Our Top Stories

ACLU, U.S. clash on drug regulations
Judge will decide whether doctors can prescribe medicinal crack
Fate of local crack clubs in jeopardy

Carson Daly counts down his days as an MTV VJ
Reign at number one not expected to last
After 5 more appearances on TRL, popular host to be retired

Chevron to buy Texaco for $34 billion
Proposed purchase will create cabinet of Bush administration

Costumed man on horseback arrested for breaking and entering
Intruder allegedly trespassed into apartment complex and proceeded to peddle contraceptives to a couple about to make love

Dow closes below 10,000 mark
Nasdaq ends down 43
Governor Mel Carnahan falls 5 miles

Emeril Lagasse's heart goes "Bam!"
Clogged arteries decide to kick it up a notch
Healthy diet of lard and Oreos finally catches up with celebrity chef

Man dies from over inhalation of noxious fumes
Deodorant didn't give him the protection he needed against his worst smelling sweat

Minnesota Twins prepare for Subway sandwiches

Presidential candidates debate Palestinian-Israeli conflict
Bush: "Yassir Arafat – major league asshole."
Gore: "Palestine and Israel need to put their differences into an iron-clad lockbox. I am reminded of the story of Winifred Skinner, an old lady who collected deposit cans to pay for medication and was shot last week for being a kike. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just say 'kike'? I-I meant 'Hebrew.' That's the word the polls say I should use, right? Yes…'Hebrew.' In fact, did you know that I invented the Hebrew people? Oh, it's true."

Proposition 16 controversy continues
Proposal to legalize Mandy Moore divides state contingent of adolescent boys

Riot breaks out over parking at the Special Olympics

Santa Claus caught trick-or-treating in Garden Grove
Nick: "Okay, so our Christmas present fund is a little low this year."

U.S. housing crunch temporarily relieved
Navy to rent out watercraft at below market value prices
Says Clinton, "What could be more fun than living on a submarine or a Destroyer?"

WWF superstar The Rock taken down by NRA superstar The Gun
Witnesses smell what The Rock is cooking: gunpowder
Finally, The Rock has come back to the grave

Yankees win World Series for $20 million
In other news, Palestinians sign Roger Clemens to a 3-year contract

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