Fact or Crucifixion?

Total Request Live (TRL) is MTV's flagship program, a daily one-hour music video countdown wherein viewer requests via e-mail and phone lines determine which videos get played. Fun. The following "requests" were sent to TRL on May 2, 2001:

Hey Carson! I luv you man. I also luv rock an' roll! Remember me? Hehehe. Scoobie-doo-wop-bop-a-bing-bang-boom! Yo my name's Jesse Camp and I want my job back 'cause I don't gots no more money and I can't buy me jack and…uh…eh…woooooo! Hehehe.

I wanna request a lobotomy because I don't get cable and that's the only way I can experience what it's like to watch TRL.

I wanna request Britney Spears' "Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know" because even after 36 straight days on the countdown, I still haven't seen the video in its entirety.

I wanna request that Carson Daly stop dressing like a queer.

I wanna request Dream's "This Is Me" because they're great singers and Melissa is sooo hot…and I want to screw her brains out in the back of a Honda Civic…and then piss all over her face…and make her lick peanut butter offa my taint. Wooo!

I wanna request that John Norris do something about that hair of his.

I wanna request Limp Bizkit's "My Way" because I have absolutely no taste in music.

I wanna request that my execution be broadcast live on TRL.

I wanna request O-Town's "All Or Nothing" because I'm a mindless capitalist whore who'll support anything the record companies tell me to, even a boy band deliberately manufactured to exploit people like me.

I wanna request that the teenage girls of America get a life and find something better to do than vote for the same videos every fuckin' day.

I wanna request Sigur Rós' "Svefn G Englar" because I know there's no chance in hell that you guys will actually play it.

I wanna request those two hot chicks sitting behind Carson in room 303 at the Plaza Hotel in 20 minutes.

Woooooooooo! Woooooooooo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Wooooo! Woooooooooo!

Want more? Get Jonathan Yu's Soggy Biscuit 2.

I apologize to Eric (yet another adversary of mine who I have never met) for naming my tour the I Hate Belle And Sebastian tour. Sorry. In deference to you, Mr. Eric, the tour has been renamed the I Hate Annoying British Pansy Rock…And Gnats tour. It's more subtle, don't you think?

And now, a day in the life of Adam Riff™:
8:00 am
Papa Riff®: Adam Riff™! Wake up! You're gonna be late for school!
Adam Riff™: Yes, massa.
12:00 pm
Jamba Juice Employee: You sure you don't want to try our new pork boost with your Strawberries Wild?
Adam Riff™: Yes, massa.
1:00 pm
Woj: Do you think we should proofread this "Three Ring Circumcision" column before it goes to press?
Adam Riff™: No, massa.
7:30 pm
Bruce Vilanch: Am I the hottest, sexiest wanker on Hollywood Squares?
Adam Riff™: Yes, massa.
10:00 pm
Jon: Suck my dick.
Adam Riff™: Y- Hey, wait a minute…
Just then, a dark green Ford Explorer crashes into the room.
Jon: Oh, for crying out loud! Not you again!
Rory B: Ah, shut the fuck up, Jon! I've had enough of you and this insensitive shit you call a post. Now bow down, bitch, and get what's comin' to you!
Jon: [whimpering] Yes, massa.
Rory and Adam Riff™ proceed to beat on Jon until he is a bloody mess.
Rory B: Oops!…I did it again. Hehe. Sucka.
Rory and Adam Riff™ head to the local Denny's.
Jon: [vengefully] You'll never get away with this! Damn you, class of 2001. Damn you all to hell! [collapses]

Editor's note: I give too much credit to Rory Brown. Let's hope he delivers at Wrestlepalooza.

Who will win the fatal four-way hell in the cell main event and sole possession of Jonathan Yu's soul? (out of 189847 votes)
Jonathan Yu • 7938 votes • 4%
Rory Brown • 6138 vote • 3%
Adam Riff™ • 166667 votes • 88%
Britney Spears • 9104 votes • 5%
Something is rotten in the state of California.

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