I hate it when your mind goes blank during a test.

You know what else I hate? Male cheerleaders.

So I bombed my Bio 30 final yesterday. It didn't help that I missed a week of class in a six-week session to go see Weezer on the east coast. Before you start saying that I screwed myself over, let me make my case. I raped the teacher's official $30 study guide (printed on red paper!) for all it was worth and I still blanked. Fuckin' A. What kind of official study guide leaves out important course material?

It was horrible.

Dr. __________ was the first to use gene therapy to fight cancer.

What was my answer?

Dr. Nick was the first to use gene therapy to fight cancer.

DR. NICK!

Goddammit. I hate school.

Fuck school.

That's right. Fuck it. Fuck it all. I often wonder whether any of this education bullshit will even matter when I'm old. The moment before I get shot by some angry Palestinians, will I still care about the Bio 30 final I bombed years ago? Probably not. In the long run, grades aren't important. That "D" I got in fourth grade PE won't mean jack shit when I'm 40, at least I hope not. But in the short run, grades are everything, and it fuckin' pisses me off. It's all about the grades. You fail your Bio 30 class, you fuck up your GPA. You fuck up your GPA, you don't get into grad school. You don't go to grad school, you can't get a good job. You can't get a good job, well… That's how it goes in contemporary America, right? RIGHT?

Fuck math and science. I was never good at that shit anyway. When am I ever gonna use calculus again in my life? Addition, maybe, but derivatives and integrals? C'mon. Fuck colleges and universities for their general education requirements. Fuck their fascist imposition of a "liberal arts" education. I told you I hate science. I don't want to study biology. I already did that in high school for two years to pad my transcript. I want to make movies. I want to entertain people. It's a simple twist of fate that my acceptance into film school is now in jeopardy because of some fuckin' "liberal arts" classes.

It bewilders me how everybody seems to think I'm smart. Is it the glasses? Or how about the generic Gap clothes? Understand that I never got a 5 on any of my AP tests and my best combined SAT I score was a 1410. I'm no smarter than the kids in high school who were voted "most likely to succeed at pumping gas," and I'm not just saying that to make you pity me. We all know that nobody ever feels sorry for an egomaniac like me. [sigh] You know, now that I think about it, fuck you all. Fuck each and every one of you inconsiderate assholes. Big up to Henry and Nick, but fuck everybody else.

Fuck grad school too. Life's too short to spend it wasting away in grad school. And what do we get to look forward to after grad school? Cubicles, or if you're lucky, unemployment with all the benefits – cover sheets, interviews, and resumés. Whoo!

There's got to be something more than this, something more than what we've come to know as "higher education." I'm tired of school. Call it a pre-life crisis. Call it a Mariah Carey breakdown. Whatever. I just feel like I'm half-assing my life away. Fuck blue books. Fuck last-minute papers. Oh, and fuck textbook buyback. Why is it that they never want to buy any of my textbooks back? Ah, fuck UCLA. I gotta get away. Quoth Kerouac: "I wish I was free / of that slaving meat wheel / and safe in heaven dead."

Correction: fuck UCLA as a representation of school, not UCLA as a school. I'm sick and tired of people talkin' shit about the venerable educational institution that I currently attend.

"I applied to a bunch of colleges…but not UCLA. It's in Los Angeles. Who wants to go there?"

Now, I'm not gonna sit here and defend Los Angeles, or UCLA for that matter, because they both have their faults. I'll be damned, however, if I'm gonna put up any longer with hearing lame-Os badmouth and/or avoid coming to my school. Why don't you shit-talkin' hippie-lovin' vegan CalPIRG dickheads take your ignorant generalizations and shove them up your Nader-fucked assholes? Go proselytize to somebody who gives a fuck. UCLA may be located in "evil" Los Angeles and it may be a jock school, but at least it's not Berkeley or Santa Cruz. High rents and banana slugs – yeah, that's something to be proud of.

I'll post my grades for summer school session A when they come around. In the meantime…

Apocalypse Now Redux hits theaters today in limited release. If you are over the age of 12 and have not seen the original movie or read Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness (the book that inspired the movie), I suggest you do so immediately.

I have two quick promos for today – Dennis Hopper and Bea Arthur. One's a bad boy, the other's a golden girl. 'Nuf said. You know 'em. You love 'em. Dennis Hopper and Bea Arthur are the fifth and sixth key elements of a special event post in the works. Let's recap:

Key elements of a special event post in the works
1 • WankerCounty
2 • Laetitia Casta
3 • The Rock
4 • Hoe Hater
5 • Dennis Hopper
6 • Bea Arthur

Okay, I go mope now. Dr. Nick…what the fuck was I thinking?

What should the next Planet movie be?
(out of 50 votes)
Planet of the Bad Tim Burton Movies • 0 votes • 0%
Planet of Bill Gates • 1 vote • 2%
Planet of the Killer Tomatoes • 9 votes • 18%
Planet of the Jews • 40 votes • 80%
This land was made for Jew and me.