Goonies Never Say "Die"

Jon: Hi everybody! Hornblower's at band camp this week, so taking his place today is Ignorant Dave from down the street.
Dave: 'Sup, faggots?
Jon: We have a lot to cover in today's post. First off, my friend and I went to Canter's Deli last Friday where I ate the largest matzah ball I've ever seen.
Dave: Fuckin' Jews. Always makin' money off the world's matzah balls.
Jon: Hey now! There's nothing wrong with matzah balls.
Dave: You're just sayin' that 'cause you're a fuckin' matzah ball slut. Always symphathizin' with the matzah balls. What has a matzah ball ever done for you, Yu?
Jon: Filled my tummy with matzah meal goodness. Moving on… I went to Best Buy yesterday to buy the Goonies DVD and it was SOLD OUT. Apparently, not only do concert tickets sell out quickly in Los Angeles, so do mass-produced children's movies. I visited a bunch of entertainment media stores before stumbling upon a copy at Tower Records in Westwood.
Dave: Fuckin' Goonies. Always takin' jobs from us hardworkin' Americans.
Jon: Dave, the Goonies are a fictional group of kids. Besides, what are you complaining about? You have tenure.
Dave: Fuck off, gook! No wait. Fuck off, gookie! Hahaha.
Jon: Clever…
Dave: I know you are, but what am I? Hahaha.
Jon: Ignorant Dave, ladies and gentlemen. [pause] I have a question. Why is it that when I don't have a car, gas prices go down?
Dave: 'Cause you're a bad driver.
Jon: What does that have to do with lower gas prices?
Dave: I dunno. But you're a bad driver, you eat your dog, and you have a small dick.
Jon: Yes yes. You know what else is wrong with me? I'm an insect magnet. At work on Monday, I noticed that I had itchy red spots all over my arms and head. My co-workers speculated that it might be chicken pox or poison oak. I decided to consult a physician. The red spots turned out to be insect bites. Now that's a lot of insect bites. What do insects see in my blood? Is it really that delicious? I've tasted my blood before and personally, I don't think it's all that tasty. In fact, it's rather salty.
Dave: That Mexican lasagna they have in the dining halls is salty too. Fuckin' 'spics. Always fuckin' up the Mexican lasagna.
Jon: Dude, Mexican lasagna is not authentic Mexican food. I don't think anybody really knows how to make Mexican lasagna. Anyway, back to me. I think I have hemorrhoids. Sometimes, it hurts to sit down and when I wipe my ass, there'll be blood on the toilet paper.
Dave: I guess you have a small dick in the front AND in the back. Hahaha.
Jon: Shut the fuck up! Hemorrhoids are no laughing matter. Remind me to go buy some ass creme tomorrow.
Dave: Mmmm. Ass creme. My momma used to buy me chacolut ass creme with spankles every Sunday after church.
Jon: Get a hold of yourself, man! You're disintegrating into a bad southern stereotype.
Dave: Yes, massa.
Jon: In other news, the 100 album covers for Jonathan Yu's Money, Cash & Hoes Game are up. To play, e-mail me ( a list of album covers you've identified, making sure to include the artist and the album title for each cover. The deadline is September 1.
Dave: Nigga please! Nobody visits your website, you stupid chink, and nobody's gonna play your lame ass game. Who do you know that's actually playing? WHO? Greg and……Greg. How's that for competition? It's so exciting, I can't control myself.
Jon: Well, more money for me then, pending that Greg's a total schmuck when it comes to music.
Dave: Don't worry. Mutts aren't too bright.
Jon: True. Yet, the force is strong in this one. He managed to snag Katy, didn't he?
Dave: He likes wrestling though!
Jon: Hey, don't talk shit about wrestling! Summer Slam was awesome!
Dave: It's fake! It's…not real!
Jon: So is Narnia, but nobody has a problem with that.
Dave: I have a problem with Narnia…
Jon: Dave, you have a problem with a lot of things – the French, Canadians, Tara Reid, controlling your bladder, crack…
Dave: You wanna DIE, honky?
Jon: Ummm, I'm not a…"honky." You're the "honky." I'm what you would refer to as a "slant-eyed midget."
Dave: Okay… You wanna DIE, slant-eyed midget?
Jon: Bring it on.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *