Elopement on Horseback

"O leve sire shrewe, Jesu shorte thy lif! / Yit prechestou and saist an hateful wif"

Jesus ranch! How do you read this shit?

Nytol will help you get your Zs, but Chaucer will do it a whole lot quicker.

My roommate is funny. He owns two sets of speakers: B-level speakers for his computer and A-level speakers for…the bathroom. If you go in our bathroom and look under the sink, you'll find two double-D-cup-sized speakers hooked up to a portable CD player. You can always tell when Matt is in the bathroom because the door will emit muffled dirty South rap music.

My roommate also sleeps a lot. He's like a bear that loves hibernation, lapsing into consciousness every once in a while to attend class, have a smoke, and read about sports on the internet. I've been at school for two weeks now and have yet to see him eat. Mmmm…sleep.

For some reason, our room becomes uncomfortably hot at night. Every morning, I wake up sweatier than a female AIDS victim in labor. There's a time and a place for being moist and 8:00 in the morning in bed is not it. [sigh] I have a sordid history with sleep.

From May 31, 2001:
"It doesn't help that I mouth breathe. It's great to wake up with morning breath plus! I suppose this could account for why I snore so loudly. I also sleep on my back. Now, I realize that sleeping on your back facilitates snoring and you're supposed to sleep on your side to mitigate the noise level, but alas, I can't. Why? Because in order to breathe, my mouth is open, and when I sleep on my side…I drool. All over the place. There are days when I wake up and my entire upper body is awash in damp jizz drool."

Drool, sweat, snoring, and morning breath. Ladies, come and get me. Whoo! Oh, I forgot to add that when I sleep on my side, my ears get hot. Flipping the pillow over to the cool side doesn't help. You see, I have big ears that stick straight out, and sleeping on my side is like putting a frying pan on a stove. I'm the human Dumbo. My sense of hearing is acute, but I've never been able to run a mile in less than nine minutes because my ears disrupt my otherwise Kenyan aerodynamics. To illustrate what I'm talking about, here's a self-portrait of me:

The people who operate the UCLA network have decided that MP3 downloading is not a priority among students, so while internet access remains zippy, MP3 download speeds have dropped below 28.8 standards. Fuckers. Actually, I don't really care. I think I'm the only person who still buys records anymore. I enjoy the material actualization of music. My embarrassing record collection continues to increase with every Tuesday.

I saw a flyer today for an LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgender) rap group audition. Apparently, the Insane Clown Posse is looking for new members.
Special birthday post tomorrow.

Link before you think:
go • nair for men
go • oatmeal for women
go • panties for men
go • abtronic
go • balloon girls
go • exploding whale
go • fags and their dogs
go • jump the shark
go • the keeper menstrual cap
go • mary-kate and ashley magazine
go • origami underground
go • ultimate gay and lesbian cars

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.