Donkeys Can Talk, People Can Fly, and a Man Named Jesus Lives Up in the Sky!

It's not so bad being trendy
Everyone who looks like me is my friend
Please don't hate me because I'm trendy
They're not gonna laugh at me again

Let's be honest. Jonathan Yu is not tech savvy. I can't code worth shit. My website looks absolutely archaic compared to some of the sites these 16-year-old suburban white kids have. I may not know much in the way of programming, but I know business and politics, especially when it comes to entertainment.

Why do I bring this up? Well, it has come to my attention that I am slowly losing my hold on the geek-from-Mountain-View-High-School-with-a-website market. You mastermind one moderately successful internet venture and suddenly everybody is infringing on your niche. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS. Hank, Dan, and Marianne, cease and desist…or else.

Or else what? Or else…damn! I don't have the legal power to shut down websites which threaten my binary existence.

I can, however, buy them out.

Yes, I'm gonna swoop in like Gordon Gekko and buy out my competition. Hank, Dan, Marianne – I am offering you each five dollars to sell your websites to me. That's right. I will pay you each FIVE WHOLE DOLLARS for the rights to your sites. Five bucks not sound that appealing? Okay… I can give you 47 pesos instead. Or if you're into wads, I can give you 224 Thailand baht too. All I'm asking for is that you each surrender and let me acquire your respective internet properties.

Now, I bet you're wondering, "Aren't monopolies illegal?" Yes. So is pre-marital sex though, and people do that every single day. Look, bust my trust if you want, but there's nothing that says a little friendly competition can't be crushed. Does the world really need 25 reality television shows? Of course not. Likewise, we could do without more students jumpin' on the online bandwagon straight outta MVHS. I mean, no good has ever come from competition, a few examples being the PlayStation 2 and the movie Battlefield Earth. I'm tired of working my ass off on a daily basis in order to stand out in an increasingly saturated hometown digital market. It's time for the Adam Riff™ Media Empire to grow, if you smell what I'm cookin'. First Dan, then…THE WORLD PUNOGRE! [panting]

So… Hank, Dan, and Marianne, you know where to reach me. I await your calls. Don't be stupid and pass up my offer, because I don't wanna have to bail out your websites during an economic slump. I think it's in your best interests to come to daddy before the Empire strikes back.

You know, while I'm at it, I've had my eye on a coupla other internet properties. Telcobox,, and Yahoo! – I've got five dollars and one word for you guys: "takeover."

Survivor diet begins Friday. What's on the menu? Cherries and beans. Mmmm…flatulent hymens.

FRANKFURT – Adolf Hitler was a closet homosexual and used his homoerotic charisma to gain power, a leading German historian said.

Lothar Machtan's book Hitler's Secret: The Double Life of a Dictator argues that an awareness of the Nazi leader's sexual orientation may help us understand his life. Its launch has caused a sensation at this year's Frankfurt Book Fair.

"There are things in Hitler's life which are puzzling. The knowledge of his homosexuality can help us to understand him better," Machtan, professor of modern history at Bremen University, told Reuters in an interview at the fair.

Hitler learned to manipulate his "homoerotic potential" and used this "erotic charisma" to gain power.

"If we look at the important circle of people around Hitler, an awareness of his homosexuality makes it easier to comprehend how a man like him without contacts or influence could become so powerful," Machtan said.

Hitler used this charisma to win the backing of groups such as the Freikorps (Free Corps) militia and the Nazi "brown shirts" who provided the muscle that aided his accession to power in the chaotic democracy of the Weimar Republic.


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