Capitalism Stole My Virginity

Comedy Central is making a host of original programming changes. Among them: the cable channel has cancelled The Chris Wylde Show and hired radio comic Sal Iacano, Jimmy Kimmel's "Cousin Sal" on KROQ, to replace Nancy Pimental as co-host of Win Ben Stein's Money. It has also added Carmen Electra and comedians Brad Wollack and Arj Barker to Battle Bots. Out with the trash, in with the…trash.

A special screening of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone Sunday was greeted by a small band of protesters from a U.S. interest group accusing Coca-Cola Co. of using its sponsorship of the movie to peddle junk food to children. In other news, the November 16 afternoon screening of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone at the Mann Village will be greeted by a small band of protesters from a U.S. "interest group" accusing J.K. Rowling, Scholastic, and Warner Bros. of peddling stupid fuckin' gay kiddie magic shit to children.

Nine bare-breasted women briefly halted logging work near California's contested Headwaters Forest on Friday in a protest against what they said was unconscionable logging of redwood trees. "To log the hole in the Headwaters is like raping a virgin, because the Headwaters Forest Preserve is supposed to be kept intact and virginal," said Dona Nieto, a California activist who has staged several "Strip Tease for the Trees" protests. Hmmm. Note to self: if ever faced with a life-or-death situation involving castration, be sure to have some of these girls around.

Malcolm in the Middle has made the cut for Super Bowl XXXVI. Fox will run a special hourlong episode of the Emmy-winning family comedy following its February 3 telecast of the NFL's championship game. Malcolm creator/executive producer Linwood Boomer declined to reveal many specifics about the episode, but said it will revolve around a family excursion to Hal's company picnic. Moreover, Boomer said the show is hard at work lining up high-wattage guest stars for the episode.

NBC has been plugging the fuck outta its Jennifer Lopez concert special on November 20th, going so far as to have Al Roker tie the special to Shakespeare in Love the other night during its telecast of the Academy Award winning movie (note the "award winning" part) and then world premiering Ms. Lo's new video "Ain't it Funny" on network television.

"Jennifer journeys to the sultry island of Puerto Rico to perform with her trademark energy and distinct voice before sold out crowds of exuberant fans. Her first concert! Her first network special! Don't miss a beat of this exclusive NBC event!"

I can't believe NBC actually paid for a Jennifer Lopez concert special. CBS has Michael Jackson, HBO has Britney Spears, NBC has a former fly girl who used to suck Puff Daddy P. Diddy's cock. Eh. I'm sure many people will still tune in, just with the mute button on.

Speaking of people with upcoming concert specials, here's a coupla blurbs I found in Spin magazine:

Jennifer Lopez featuring Ja Rule – "I'm Real (Remix)"
But she's totally not. There's a realer version of this song out there, in the form of Mya's "Free" – matching melody, same sentiment, but with actual singing! J. Lo's just doing the hustle, intent on reciting every pop homily in scribbed grammar before they deport her back to Cinemascope, leaving behind nothing but transcendental sex appeal and a vacant party atmosphere.

Britney Spears – "I'm a Slave 4 U"
But she's totally not! Why would she say that?

What's up with Shakira's voice? It sounds like a cross between Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera recorded at a turkey-calling contest.

I think I'm-a explicate the buttons on the sidebar. I take great pride in trying to branch out beyond the sick Ogre-Jansson-Wanker link orgy. First, we have Airtoons, the only non E/N site featured. God, I hate the term "E/N." Everything/Nothing. What the fuck? Why not just reclassify this genre of sites as "digital egos," because that's what an E/N site really is – Joe Bloggs' 15 MB of fame. Whoo! Airtoons was, strangely enough, the site that actually drew me into the world of slick binary dicks. Airtoons linked me to Robotskull which linked me to Lameking which linked me to Punogre which linked me to WankerCounty which was in Footloose with…Kevin Bacon! If I link WankerCounty, I guess I should also link WankerCounty's bitch, Funky Fresh. Likewise, if I link Punogre, I guess I should also link TheHoowa, the Indian version of Punogre (the guy even looks like Ogre!). Next, we have Absent-Minded, the latest project by a kid named Mek, who used to run Kunfusion, one of the first Me sites that I visited religiously. Granted, Absent-Minded is not for everybody (Slipknot fan in the house), but I enjoy Mek's work. Then again, I also enjoy TV dinners and Kid Rock. [pause] Hoe Hater hasn't updated in ages. It's become the Nick-at-Nite of the internet. Oh well. Get your kicks at Just Plain Dan instead. Not to brag or anything, but I once met Dan in person! How cool is that? Yeah, he and I went to high school together. Nowadays, Dan masquerades as a hippie college student. Don't hate him 'cause he likes Macs though. He's funnah. Finally, there's a button for [cough] Telcobox. Why, you ask? Well, I wanted to have easy access to a shitty site so that I have a place to go and feel better about myself whenever I have an off post. Plus, it's such a pathetic immature little button that I couldn't resist. This doesn't mean that the TB fuckers are off the hook for jamming the fax machine at my home in MOUNTAIN VIEW last week. What were you guys thinking? My dad called me up in LOS ANGELES asking me if I knew why a bunch of blank pages were being sent to him. Heeeeeelarious. [sigh] Arizona, California, Florida, Georgia, Maine, Michigan, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. Wow. Screw the President. My buttons unite the country!

Attention! Jord has NOT left the internet! He is still alive and sends his best wishes:

XBox. Sounds like a term for former girlfriends. That would make current girlfriends…Gamecubes.

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