hard to come by like a straight guy working at starbucks


Rory: Yes, they do.
Jon: No, they don't.
Rory: Yes, they do!
Jon: No, they don't!
Jon: Rory, chickens do not have nuggets.
Rory: Yes, they do.
Jon: Where, huh? Where are the nuggets on a chicken? Enlighten me.
Rory: Uh…
Jon: You saw the scientist guys molesting that chicken. They didn't find any nuggets. Where are the nuggets? Donde esta los nuggets?
Rory: Well…um…the nuggets…um…the nuggets are the chicken's testicles.
Jon: Deep-fried breaded chicken testicles. Right. Hornblower, not all chickens are male, and even if they were, that's a lot of chickens to be castrating for one twenty-piece meal.
Rory: Shut it. If chickens don't have nuggets, then they probably don't have strips either.
Jon: Oh no no no! The strips are chicken dicks! [pause] Dumbass…
Rory: Aight. Let's ask Jeeves.
[Rory goes to the computer]
Rory: Do. Chickens. Have. Nuggets. Question mark. Enter.
[10 minutes later]
Rory: Okay, this site is no help. "Where can I find previews and/or scouting reports for the NBA team Denver Nuggets?" What the fuck, Jeeves?
Jon: Dude, get over it and come sit down. The game's about to start.
[Rory sits down]
Jon: You want a beer?
Rory: A beer would be peachy keen.
Jon: How about some chips? I made spinach quiches!
Rory: Nah… I'm okay. I got a beer and a bottle of Jergens. I'm set.
Jon: Hold up. Jergens?
Rory: Well, yeah. I'm not gonna let an opportunity like this go to waste.
Jon: An opportunity like [pause] Please tell me you're not gonna jack off to Mariah Carey singing the national anthem.
Rory: Wait no… I thought we were gonna watch playmates factor fear or something.
Jon: That's at halftime.
Rory: How long is it until halftime?
Jon: I'd say about two hours, give or take.
Rory: TWO HOURS? I can't wait that long!
Jon: Yes yes…
Rory: You promised me playmates!
Jon: You'll get your playmates.
Rory: But I can't hold it in any longer!
Jon: Oh don't be a whiny little boy.
Rory: I'm not a boy, not yet a man.
Jon: Look, just chill and enjoy the game. Time flies when you're having fun! Here. Want a quiche?
Rory: If it's not playmates, the hell are we watching then?
Jon: The Super Bowl.
[Rory gives Jon a blank look]
Jon: The National Football League championship game. Rams versus Patriots.
Rory: Football? You mean, like soccer? Because that's not a sport, especially if it involves sheep and militia men.
Jon: Damn, you know less about sports than I do.
Rory: No, Jon, I don't know much about sports, but I know I want to touch myself and a fucking soccer game is in the way!
Jon: American football.
Rory: Whaaa?
Jon: An American football game is in your way. Nobody watches soccer in this country.
Rory: …
[Rory rummages through the junk on the coffee table and picks up a random videotape]
Jon: What are you doing?
Rory: Chitty Chitty Gang Bang. This'll do.
Jon: Rory, what are you doing? It's kickoff time!
[Rory puts tape in VCR]
Rory: Fuck off, jack-off! I'm-a turn off your kickoff to get off and then I'll piss off so you can wank over your bloody American trans-species "football"! DO I MAKE MYSELF MILKY CLEAR?
Jon: [sigh] Clean up after yourself this time, okay?

No glittering review for Glitter.

A young singer, Billie Frank, is discovered by Julian Dice, a charismatic, irresistible "bad boy" DJ who soon becomes her partner, producer and lover. With Dice, Billie begins an exciting but often volatile and precarious journey as she struggles through both her personal and professional life, riding the roller coaster to superstardom.

"Bad Boy" DJ Lover: Come up for five minutes, that's all…
[no response from Billie]
"Bad Boy" DJ Lover: Five minutes!
Billie: …Three.

Oh if only Mystery Science Theater 3000 was still around.

Highlights of the director's commentary on the Glitter DVD:

"Hello, my name is Vondie Curtis-Hall and I'm sorry, America. I really am. From the bottom of my heart. I'm sorry."

"I envisioned the nightclub sequence as a lengthy deep focus single shot with an emphasis on chiaroscuro, you know, interplay between light and dark. Then I realized that nobody was gonna see this movie, so we saved time and just filmed it like a sitcom."

"I spent years at film school for this? It's because I'm black, isn't it?"

"Did she just say 'I don't do this' after having sex? That wasn't in the script. At least, I don't think… Britney better hope Paramount didn't let any ad-libbing slip in her movie."

"In this scene, I wanted Mariah to come off as an intelligent respectable human being, but she insisted on being slutty. In fact, we re-shot this particular scene after initial production because upon viewing the rough cut, she didn't feel she came across slutty enough.

"Now I know why she had that breakdown. She attended the premiere."

"Can you not point the gun so close to my head?"

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