originally published on WankerCounty as "JCVR: make sure you tell people to go fucking see the movie"
"There is so much Hatorade being drunk out there." – Fred Durst
More than any other film this summer, Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones will be judged — dollar for dollar, review for review — against the AMAZING Spider-Man.
[sigh]
Why couldn't AOTC have come out last year against The Mummy Returns?
While much of the ire at Phantom Menace was directed at Jar Jar Binks, he's not around long enough in AOTC to lope and shuffle his way into true, wholly annoying status. This apparently gave critics ample time to find other things that bugged them about the new movie.
Having seen the movie now, I would like address their complaints:STAR WARS MOVIES ARE ALL ABOUT BAD ACTING, CLUMSY DIALOGUE, AND KICKASS CGI, YOU FUCKSTICKS!!! GET IT IN YOUR HEADS!
That said, why DON'T we compare it to the AMAZING Spider-Man?
| arachno vs. attack-clo | |
| Spider-Man | Attack of the Clones |
| synopsis: norman osborn is a misanthrope | synopsis: who wants to kill senator amidala? |
| tobey maguire's junior-high-school-level acting | hayden christensen's junior-high-school-minded character |
| kirsten dunst shows nipple while fighting bad guys with a purse | natalie portman shows belly while fighting bad guys with a hair dryer gun thing |
| actor who plays lead villain was jesus | actor who plays lead villain can be linked to anyone in hollywood in an average of 2.59 steps, three less than kevin bacon |
| bad guy flies around blowing shit up | good and bad guys fly around blowing shit up, and not stupid shit like a military test site or a gondola station but cool shit like asteroids and spacecraft |
| cult figure vows to fight evil after watching "father" die while another cult figure vows to fight good after watching father die | cult figure vows to fight good after watching mother die while another cult figure vows to fight good after watching father die |
| eight action sequences divided more or less evenly throughout the movie | seven action sequences, four in the fourth quarter |
| fastest movie ever to gross $100 million (three days) and fastest movie ever to gross $200 million (nine days) | first movie designed specifically for digital projection, thus handicapping its box office profits |
| gobby nicks spidey's forearm | dooku cuts ani's whole fuckin' arm off |
| has michigan stank on it | has california stank on it |
| "hero" song gives new meaning to the word "gay" | sam jackson gives new meaning to the color purple |
| "i don't see how that's my problem." [groan] | "i call it aggressive negotiations." [groan] |
| "i want to see spider-man. that looks really good," says christina applegate | "i'm more excited about star wars, because star wars and raiders of the lost ark are two of the first movies i fell in love with," says THE ROCK |
| macy gray lip-synching to one of her songs | unparalleled visual effects and sound |
| memorable appearances by j. j. jameson | "memorable" appearances by jar jar binks |
| peter parker gets the girl with hard work and rejects her | anakin gets the girl with little work…and fucks her to the result of two kids! |
| prominently features no black people | did i mention sam jackson already? |
| relive the movie by buying cell phones, dr. pepper, and reebok shoes | relive the movie by eating official star wars cereal and brandishing your very own purple light saber |
| spidey sense tingles | the force whoops your ass |
| "it's all i have to give." "don't mess with new york. you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us." "the itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout. down came the goblin to take the spider out." |
"i hate it when he does that" "i've got a bad feeling about this." "i've been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life." |
| with great power, comes great responsibility | with great power, comes a thursday release date |
| "you're taller in real life." "i hunch." |
blasted for its ridiculous love story |
| green goblin | yoda |
| bonesaw | yoda |
| the whole movie | YODA |
"We'll never see another Star Wars, no matter how much we want to," writes Kenneth Turan in the Los Angeles Times.
Dude, how many sequels re-capture the exact same magic of the first movie? You really think Matrix 3 will rock as hard as the first one? AOTC hits theaters 25 years after A New Hope. Of course it won't be the same! Deal with it. Have a clear conscience. You're gonna see the damn thing anyway.
You know what? Fuck this. Why am I letting critics get to me? These are people who earn money giving opinions, and I'm supposed to respect them? Who can't give an opinion on something? Who can't do that? WHO? Sheeit… Here's an opinion: wastes of life critics are.
In times like these, we can only rely on the judgment of one man, and one man alone. "Attack of the Clones is a lot of fun and there's a lot of great action sequences." God bless you, Richard Roeper.
