If it takes shit to make bliss, well I feel pretty blissfully

Two firsts today: I saw a black person in the Sunset Canyon Rec Center pool and I saw a black person wearing a (The) Used shirt.

I want to rent a knight costume for Halloween so I can be "the chink in the armor."

I saw a trailer for Christmas with the Kranks.

Tim Allen: We wants it. We needs it. Must have penissss. They stole it from us. Sneaky little moviesss. Wicked, trickssssy, falssse!
Tim Allen: No! Not Christmas movies.
Tim Allen: Yes, Christmas movies. False. They will cheat you, hurt you, lie.
Tim Allen: Christmas movies good for my career.
Tim Allen: You don't have a career anymore. Nobody likes YOUR movies…
Tim Allen: Not listening. Not listening.
Tim Allen: You're a liar and a girlie man.
Tim Allen: Nope.
Tim Allen: Mur…derer…!
Tim Allen: Go away!
Tim Allen: Go away? AR AR AR!
Tim Allen: I hate you. I hate you!
Tim Allen: Where would you be without me? Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. I saved us. The chauvinism. The cars. It was me. We survived because of me!
Tim Allen: Not anymore.
Tim Allen: What did you say?
Tim Allen: Christmas movies look after us now. We don't need you.
Tim Allen: What?
Tim Allen: Leave now and never come back.
Tim Allen: No!!
Tim Allen: Leave now and never come back!
Tim Allen: Ar ar ar Arrrgh!!!
Tim Allen: We… we told him to go away! And away he goes, my penisss. Ho ho ho! Tim is free!

I saw a commercial during Adult Swim for Zoobooks. Remember Zoobooks? What a shitty magazine.

—Each and every month, watch your budding animal-lover turn away from the television and eagerly curl up on the couch to make new discoveries about another exciting animal. Be prepared for a lot of "Mom, Dad — did you know that I could be having oral sex with my classmates instead of reading about the same stupid animal for 20 pages?

At least Ranger Rick had variety.

My favorite kiddie magazine was Zillions. Nothing enthralls children like consumer reports.

The name Encyclopedia Brown has a porn star quality to it. If I was a child sleuth with a catchy name that combined a reference book and a color, I'd be Atlas Black.

—Thesaurus Green
—actually no
—MLA Handbook Maroon

currently annoyed by:
—that stinging feeling you get when you inhale pool water through your nose
—old (usually jewish) people who talk during movies
—akiva goldsman's screenwriting
—people who ride an elevator one floor up, especially when stairs are nearby
—newspaper websites that require registration
—pad thai
—my second cold this month