Older than kerosene

This spring, I decided to leave Los Angeles when my housing contract expired and move to either Seattle or Chicago in the fall with home in the San Francisco Bay Area as a layover.

After much deliberation, I chose Chicago as my next destination.

I was set to fly out there this weekend to survey apartments when my parents interfered.

"We won't allow you to move to Chicago. We're wary of your friends in the area."


Today, I returned home from the post office to find my mother conversing with a man I'd never met before in our living room.

"This is Mr. Lee. He's a fortune teller."


Yes, my mother asked a professional fortune teller to assess my future. He drove down from his summer home in British Columbia to "help" me.

Apparently, Mr. Lee had accurately read the fortunes of many of my mother's friends and their children.

While I was away, he input my name and birth date into a software program on his laptop and drew up my fortune chart.

I sat down beside him and my reading began.

Note: I kept quiet throughout the reading, so the following is all the fortune teller and whatever my mother told him beforehand.

You're best-suited to live in the northwest. Seattle, Oregon, Vancouver. Next best would be the northeast. New York, Boston, New Jersey. Any of those places are better for you than Chicago. Your luck is poor in the midwest. Don't move to the wrong location. I know you frequently make rash decisions and come to regret them.

If you move to Seattle, you'll learn a lot of stuff. If you move to Chicago, you won't learn shit. You'll spend all your time socializing.

[at this point, he offered to read the fortunes of my friends in Seattle to see if we're good for each other]

You'll meet more worthwhile people and encounter more career opportunities in Seattle.

[at this point, my mother pointed out that Chicago has cold winter weather]

A move to Seattle or anywhere in the northwest would be most beneficial to your future.

Parents 2, Jon 0.

Other highlights of my reading:

I'm a restless soul. I don't like staying at home. I'll only eat, sleep and shower in the house I live in after marriage.

Females of all ages like me because I'm easy to confide in, but I ignore them more often than not.

The only people who will help me in my life are female.

Before age 24, my educational and professional luck will be unstable.

Before age 34, I shouldn't marry. I should focus all my time and energy on education and my career.

My educational luck this year is very good. I shouldn't look for a job. I should return to school and absorb as much as possible.

I should be careful when I drive because I'm accident-prone.

Between 2007-2016, I should continue educating myself and acquiring degrees.

Between 2007-2016, I'll be lonely.

I should never be the president of anything. I should always work under someone else.

I always trust the opinions of my friends, particularly the ones who like to bullshit. Only females will never bullshit me.

I'll make the most money in my life between the ages of 45 and 54.