Peanut Butter Jelly Time



Anyone who loves Thanksgiving should move at least 400 miles away from home and get back to me.

I love sitting in stop-and-stop traffic.

I love maneuvering luggage through subway turnstiles.

I love borrowing money to afford plane tickets.

And for what?

To eat, watch television and leave soon after.

No sandy beaches, no clear blue water…

The cost of a proper Thanksgiving Day meal puts French and Japanese restaurants to shame.

Ben: do asians even celebrate thanksgiving?

No, we spread our thanks out over eight grorious nights.

Stop asking me that question, people.

On the day after Thanksgiving ("We didn't listen!"), or "Black Friday," the holiday shopping season officially begins…at 5:00 a.m.

Yes, in America, we have a whole season devoted to shopping.

I'm convinced that most of the shit purchased on Black Friday (…at 5:00 a.m.) is purchased simply because it's cheap.

"$2 electronic pepper mill with mail-in rebate? Awesome!"

Why do we only hold food drives in November and December?

A: The food drives symbolize the bitter suffering of the Israelites in Egypt.

Surely the needy must be hungry the other ten months out of the year.

You think bums dream about non-perishable canned goods?

"Evaporated milk — boner."

Interesting how the season of shopping is also a season of giving.

We're simultaneously encouraged to acquire stuff and to donate stuff. What results is just more stuff in the world.

I wouldn't be surprised if, in the year 3000, Earth looks like a katamari from space.

"Recycle, reduce, reuse, and close the loop!"

Remember that television jingle?


During the broadcast of a basketball game at Stanford, an ABC announcer once remarked: "Being on campus makes me want to wear some Birkenstocks, hug a tree and eat some granola."


Whatever. I call the area "home."

Stanford filmmakers mock UC Berkeley students
Racist…or hilaracist?