Turds of Justice

Holiday weekend ramblings as I prepare to depart:

1. The dentist charged me half-price for cavity fillings.

2. Newspapers sold out like Xbox 360s on the day before Thanksgiving. I pictured women camped out beside vending machines and copies of the Chronicle selling on eBay for upwards of $1000.

3. At one point, the masseuse rubbed me with what felt like sandpaper.

I assumed he was using the back of a hand but wondered how someone who works with oils and lotions for a living could possibly have rough hands.

Rory: Perhaps he used his cheeks, his stubbly cheeks

4. Every time I return home, there's a new cordless phone on the family work desk. I'm beginning to suspect that my mother is actually X-Man Rogue.

5. My parents refuse to turn on the heater in a house that doesn't retain heat.

My father: "Turn on the heater? But it's 63°!"

Feels like 36°.

Even when the temperature drops at night, the climate is still warmer outdoors than in.

6. My mother inquired whether or not I'd be home for Christmas. If she continues boycotting the heater, I might be better off staying in Chicago.

7. All anybody (in California, at least) ever has to say about Chicago is that it's "really cold."

I could tell someone that I rape and murder puppies in Chicago and they'd probably remark, "You must be a cold human being…because Chicago's, like, really cold and shit."

8. My father grabbed a chunk of my slacks.

"This fabric is so thin. Buy some thermal underwear or your dick will shrivel up."

"Does your dick ever shrivel up?" my mother asked.

9. I received a fortune cookie fortune that read: "Remember to share good fortune as well as bad with your friends. [smiley face]"

Satan: "Yeeesss, share your bad fortune with others…"

10. My brother watches Grey's Anatomy.