Yo momma so fat, God could not lift her spirits

Ryan Seacrest's Chubby Past!

"I was overweight," he confesses, "because I used to come home and eat a cookie sheet pan of nachos and watch Oprah every day of my life."

He tells People he was taunted by schoolmates who called him "Kubiac" after the bulky character on the TV series "Parker Lewis Can't Lose."

A sheet pan of nachos? Every day?

Ironic that he went on to host Gladiators 2000, a children's version of American Gladiators that required contestants to answer questions on health and nutrition.

Also, there are far worse comparisons than Larry Kubiac. I would've killed for a sobriquet inspired by Parker Lewis Can't Lose.

How low must public perception of Boston Market be if its latest slogan is "it's better than you remember"?

"Two flavors! Bold crunch!"

So I read on the box of Cheez-It Twisterz snacks.

Cheddar and More Cheddar, however, do not constitute two flavors.

I caught the end of an episode of Good Eats during which host Alton Brown taught viewers how to eat sushi.

1. do not add wasabi to your soy sauce (or, as Alton insisted on calling it, "sho-yu")
2. eat with your hands
3. instead of dipping, skim your sushi across the "sho-yu"

Funny, I learned to eat sushi the exact opposite way — with chopsticks and a wasabi and soy sauce dip.

Even if I had never eaten sushi before, I would call bullshit on Alton's instruction. I mean, eat with your hands? Rolled sushi, perhaps, but nigiri?

It's easy to forget that Alton Brown majored in drama.