The Merchant of Tennis

I'm Forest. Long-time reader. First-time writer.

Let's get to it.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a charity tennis competition at UCLA's Tennis Center between Will Ferrell and Mats Wilander, the noted Swedish tennis pro. Rainn Wilson was there just to round out the trio of oddly-named celebrities. Really Funny. Good Time. Etc.

As I was leaving, I faced a bit of a dilemma. The goodie bag they were giving out had these preposterous Bjorn Borg-themed men's boxer briefs emblazoned with a pink tennis ball pattern. As you would imagine, they picked the prettiest UCLA girl to dress up in a tennis costume and hand out these shorts.

"What size are you?"


"Are you a medium?" Thank God.

"Yes. Well, if you think so, I must be a medium. Heh." Crisis averted, but I am in no way a medium. So I expected to have one more awkward gift lying around my apartment, waiting to be re-gifted. But when I got back home, I saw she had given me a small anyways. I love LA.

In a previous post, Jon compared my brother to Paul Sedaris (aka 'The Rooster'). I initially took offense to the post, but I'm slowly coming around. My brother called me the other day:

"Dude, are you home? I want to share the good word."

"Naw, man, I'm not. What's up?"

"I totally got laaaaaaaaaaaid." This was good, I guess, but my brother didn't know any girls. Let alone any who would sleep with him. So I asked him how he met her and he proceeded to blow my mind:

"On Craigslist.

"Also, she's black."

"And she's in high school."

"She rode the bus over to my apartment."

"And she's a virgin."


I asked how he got her to (my god) lose her virginity to him on the first time over. He said he just watched a movie with her and they fucked afterwards. The movie?

"Schindler's List."


  1. John 15 May 09 at 22:34

    "You cannot be serious!"

  2. Ben 17 May 09 at 05:07



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