I am going to find all your treasures…

The Ford family couldn't have splurged on confetti or let fans rush the field? No "I'm going to Cedar Point"?

For the Saturday Night Football telecast on Halloween, Brent Musberger should dress up as Burgess Meredith (as The Penguin), Kirk Herbstreit as Frank Gorshin (as The Riddler), and Lisa Salters as Eartha Kitt (as Catwoman).

Nutrisystem is like Scientology for football personalities.


When Chevy's employees brought the ruckus to a banquet table, I overheard a man ask his wife, "Is that a wedding?"

"Yes, that's a wedding reception at a chain restaurant," I thought.

Idea: Next-Mex. Self-heating fajitas, non-spoiling guacamole…

Idea: Srirachos. A spin on chilaquiles rojos.


We were taught to shit by hugging a sturdy tree, then squatting down and shitting away from you.

My friend is so frantic and so desperate to void his bowels that he grabs the first decent looking tree and drops his pants and goes to work.

The tree he is holding onto with all its might, snap[s] and break[s] and my poor friend falls ass backwards into his own nasty diarrhea.

He immediately gets up screaming and trying to brush himself off when he looks down and sees that the diarrhea he just had came out a weird green color and this causes him to start throwing up in his own pile of green shit while he is also still covered in his own green diarrhea. [source]

Has this been dramatized in a film yet? If not, is it too late to re-shoot scenes for Couples Retreat?


Onion Article Idea: Entire staff takes buyouts at homeless newspaper.

In Sunday's episode of Mad Men, Sterling Cooper excitedly lands the Hilton account. Meanwhile, an ad for ExtenZe aired during a commercial break.


Griffin: I got the crap beat out of me 57 times in elementary school for having a crush on Al Gore. I don't agree with his politics, but that smile, I don't know. So my dad put me in the ring, made me take boxing. We paid for people to beat the crap out of me. [source]

This past summer, The Secret Life of the American Teenager introduced an openly gay high school freshman whose two older brothers are also gay.

[eyeroll]

I tuned in for Sunday's season premiere of The Amazing Race, however, and…

Gay brothers!!!

Googling "TLC gay siblings" led me to a documentary that follows three families in which all the children are gay, including a Pentecostal family with five kids, all gay.

Head asplode.


Masters of the Universe characters as hipsters
The unemployment rate for young Americans has exploded to 52.2 percent
50 Cent wrote a self-help book

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