Arrested Development

7-3, eh?

I missed the game to eat dinner with family. Not gonna lie – I participated solely to collect red envelopes. I couldn't pass up free money for a free meal.

"What is this?"
"Oyster lettuce wraps."

Dinner consisted of 22 courses. I may have consumed an entire ecosystem.

Chinese dinners normally conclude with a steamed fish. Last night, however, the fish was followed by two jumbo crabs, a seven-pound lobster and six different desserts.

Elder relatives expectedly pushed me to finish what wasn't eaten because "I'm young."

"Another lettuce wrap?"
"No thanks."
"C'mon… You're young!"

B subdued her children with Yan Yans.

"How can you feed him that? It fell on the floor!"
"I wiped it with a wet nap. Besides, five-second rule."
"I think wiping a biscuit stick with a wet nap negates the five-second rule."
"Wet naps are non-toxic, Jon."

When did Meiji begin printing text on Yan Yan sticks?

Idea: Adult Yan Yan sticks, like adult fortune cookies.

—dirty yanchez

"When do you return to Japan?"
"Next week."
"Did you see Eddie yet?"
"No. He moved to…Kentucky?"
"No, North Carolina. Bought himself a mansion."
"Oh. Good for him…"

One, two, three…four hundred. That's 80% of my auto body repair deductible…

seven significant purchases
People Hugging the New Joanna Newsom Album

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