Previously on Adam Riff™:
A USB symbol-shaped floater in my right eye has been irritating the feck out of me. I wish I could just rip it out, along with the solar lentigines on my left cheek and ear.

Jon: For you, the hole puncher I borrowed.

B: You smell like peanut butter.

Jon: Oh. Heh. I renewed my driver's license today, and didn't want the irritating specks on my left check and ear to appear in the photo.

B: So you covered them with peanut butter?

Jon: Dots punched out of Band-Aids only made them more conspicuous.

B: [pause]

I hate paying the same price for an induction cut that other men pay for fancier haircuts. Men's haircuts should be priced like cab rides. $5 initial price + $0.75 per minute.

Jon: This foundation is too light. I look like I have vitiligo.

B: I'll mix in some Hershey's Syrup.