Tom is acting crazy about balls

My nine-year-old nephew discovered Magic: The Gathering this year.

While driving him home from school one day, I note that I played Magic when it debuted [true] and [because I like fucking with people] that I had a Black Lotus.

He doesn't know what a Black Lotus is, and just begins quizzing me about Magic.

"How do you a tap a card?"
"Turn it sideways."

"What are the five card colours?"
"Uhh… Red, green, blue, black, and…pink."
"Wrong! Pink is not a colour."
"Pink was one of the original colours."

"What does a Mountain card do?"
"I…don't know."
"Did you really play Magic?"
"Yes, but it's been over 20 years since I last played!"

And I only played it briefly, before foolishly getting in on the ground floor of Jyhad.

The next time I drove my nephew home from school:

"Pink was never a Magic card colour! I looked it up."


He then asks me if he can have my Black Lotus, which I assume he also looked up.

"Uhh… Maybe for your birthday," which is in November. "And only if I can find it. It's somewhere in storage."

Two months pass without any more Black Lotus talk, when this week:

"Do you really have a Black Lotus?"
"Can I have it? A Black Lotus is only worth two cents nowadays."
"I told you. Maybe for your birthday."
"Well, can I at least see your Black Lotus before then to verify that you have one?"
"If I have time to trek to storage and find it."
"Where's storage?"
"Southern California."

"All right, I'll show it to you in July."
"No! I'll be in Taiwan then. [he spends summers in Taiwan with his maternal grandparents] I want to see it by the end of May. And if you don't show it to me by then, you have to give me five dollars."
"And for every month after May that passes without me having seen your Black Lotus, you have to—"
"I'm not paying you interest on failing to show you a Magic card!"

"Why don't I just give you two cents to buy a Black Lotus?"
"There's also tax and shipping…"
"Okay, I'll give you five dollars and two cents – but not until your birthday."

Later that day, I figure that if a Black Lotus is only worth two cents nowadays, I should just buy one and pass it off as my own.

I check eBay.


Lil' fucker lied to me.

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