Okay, I'll be honest. Most of the acceptance speeches were pathetic. There was a lot of exclamatory outbursts and "oh, I haven't seen any of these movies." Leave it to people who have written for the Mountain View High School Oracle to make up for the lack of substance. Guess who said what in the following matching game.
2 • Sonny Batra
3 • Seth Freedland
4 • Chad Holmes
5 • Andrew Johnson
6 • Josh Karlin-Resnick
7 • Adrianna Kaspar
8 • Sarah Madden
9 • Jae Min
10 • Fleurise Montecillo
11 • Erica Palay
12 • Martin Roark
13 • Alex Roome
14 • Jose Antonio Vargas
15 • Jonathan Yu
A • "Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you all. I win. Oh yeah, suck my motherfuckingly large penis, bitch. Yeah that's right, I'm fucking talking to you. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Peace…"
B • "I want to thank Jennifer "J. Lo" Lopez for that wonderful ass. It's truly been an inspiration. I also want to thank Jonathan Yu for having this kind of money to throw around. And, as always, the lovely Michelle Kwan for winning her 4th world title Saturday night. If she loses the Olympic Gold to some Russian next year, I'll start a Cold War. Thanks!"
C • ""
D • "SUCK MY LARGE SHLONG, ya beeatches."
E • "I'd like to thank the academy and Jon for being such a funny, funny man! Thanks for the money too."
F • "Dulce et decorum est, (to not) pro patria mori."
G • "I would like to say, first off, that Gladiator was a truly horrible movie in every respect. And Björk got shafted. Guess that's it. The rest of you can cry yourself to sleep when I use this $120 on laundry."
H • "Thanks for the drug money, mom."
I • "I hate the senior thesis! Down with busy work! Up with clitoris! Thank you."
J • "I won because…oh wait…I'm smart."
K • "Well, I would like to thank all of the little people, but seeing as how I am a fairly little person myself…let's see. I'd like to thank all of the associated ___bat people, the Junior High Losers Club, and associated other inanimate objects including Phyllis and Zippy the Magic Evil Plan Elf. And by the way Zippy, Passover is just around the corner."
L • "I want to thank myself, without whom none of this would have been possible. Thank you, me."
M • "Wow, I am in total shock. As a recently laid-off engineer, it's nice to finally see some money again. Maybe this will help me pay to pack my bags and leave California. Thank you very much."
N • "I, Martin Roark, pledge allegiance to Jon Yu and the commie bastard God for swear words and good music. And may Weezer's next record be good. I also like Emily, my girlfriend."
O • "It makes me feel…like a fish."
Answers
A-9, B-14, C-7, D-13, E-15, F-2, G-5, H-10, I-3, J-1, K-11, L-15, M-4, N-12, O-8