"Do you think the market sells Swedish Fish?"
6:12 pm. Ikea.
"Doubtful."
[pause]
"I need to pee. Where's the restroom?"
6:25 pm.
"I shit my pants."
"What?"
"I just SHIT MY PANTS!"
"Again?"
1989. Oak Elementary School. Los Altos, CA.
"Mrs. Peterson, I had an accident."
1995. Aboard a 12-hour flight from Taipei to San Francisco.
"Jon, what's this brown stuff all over your slacks?"
2003. Subway restaurant. Somewhere in Ontario, Canada.
"It happened on my way in."
"How? I thought you went to pee."
"I thought so too! But as I was peeing, it just kind of…evacuated…like a nocturnal emission."
"How much?"
"About two tablespoons."
"Chunky or creamy?"
"Both?"
[pause]
"Did you feel the need to poop at all beforehand?"
"NO! I… [sigh]"
6:30 pm.
"Thanks again!"
"You're welcome. Again. Heh."
[pause]
"What was that about?"
"Oh she asked me to help her senile father in and out of the restroom. I spent longer than I expected in there and exited the stall to see him trying to open a mirror."
10:00 pm.
"Christ."
"What?"
"I just drooled on the floor. Haha. I was screwing this in when all of a sudden a dollop of saliva plummeted from my mouth."
[pause]
"You sure you aren't retarded?"
"Dude…"
11:00 pm.
"I'm retarded. I forgot to buy slats."
"Well, I have work tomorrow, so I can't drive you."
"Hakuna matata! Hakuna matata, bro. Public transportation will suffice."
At the Woodfield Mall bus stop, I stood transfixed on the head of the gentlemen sitting in front of me.
He had a mullet with a comb-over on top.
"What kind of person wears his hair like this?" I thought.
I soon received an answer when he finished a can of Mountain Dew and disposed of it on the sidewalk.
Wind forced him to keep combing over his balding spot.
I'd never used the camera in my phone before but couldn't let this photo-op slip by.
I switched to camera mode, aimed and…
My phone emitted a very audible "snapshot" noise three feet behind his ears.
In a panic to divert attention from myself, I forgot to save the photograph.
Enjoy this image of Bill O'Reilly's head in a falafel instead:
