Adam Riff™

31. No Homo (American Horror Stories, S01E04)

Honourable Mention

• domino's pizza sponsors nick gage slicing chris jericho's forehead with a pizza cutter (AEW Dynamite, 28 Jul 21)
• Snoop over on Peacock WIDE OPEN! (Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Snoop Dogg, 30 Jul 21)
• Equestrian or Horse Crip Walking? (Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Snoop Dogg, 30 Jul 21)

Stray Observations

• "I can't wait to fuck in Tahiti." (The White Lotus, S01E03)
• "My mother…told me I would never be a ballerina, and that was when I was skinny." (The White Lotus, S01E03)
• "Earl, can you please remind me to export my last podcast session?" (Blindspotting, S01E06)
• "I think he just needs to watch true original Black film."
  "Ooh, The Wiz."
  "White writer."
  "What? Uh-uh, Quincy Jones wrote that."
  "No, the music. He wrote the music."
  "The Wiz and Bobby Caldwell? Damn."
  "Quincy Jones was not properly credited by the white establishment for his contribution to that film."
  "Y'all wanna know the indisputable Black film, though?"
  "What?"
  "Meteor Man."
  "Nigga, what?"
  "Judge, if I may. Perhaps the Blackest film of all time. Robert Townsend superhero hood sci-fi that paved the way for Black Panther? Look, arguably, there's no Blade. There's no Kazaam. There's no Bobby and Whitney. There's no Obama. I'm serious! It had James Earl Jones, Cypress Hill. Come on, now. Motherfuckin' Meteor Man. Ain't nobody better."
  "You can say what you want, Earl, but my shit is The Five Heartbeats."
  "Oh!"
  "You already know I love me some Eddie King!"
  "Why would y'all have him watch that? He's too young to watch historical fiction."
  "Well…"
  "Fiction? You tryin' to say they wasn't a real band?"
  "Did OJ's hand really not fit in that glove?"
  "I suggested Cool Runnings. Now, that's Jamaica – sorta."
  "[groans] White writer. White director." (Blindspotting, S01E06)
• "What is the Black experience, then? Incense and brass crabs and plastic table covers?" (Blindspotting, S01E06)
• "You 2018 light-skinned. You know what I'm sayin'? You like Doja Cat Black." (Blindspotting, S01E06)
• "When that strip of fog rolls in and covers everything by the morning. [sighs] Happens every night. It's the most reliable thing about this place. It's loyal." (Blindspotting, S01E06)
• "Have you ever really watched Paddington 2?"
  "What?"
  "It's about a bear in a white neighborhood that gets the cops called on him, and then he goes to jail, and then he's a chef! This— I'm Paddington! This is hella Black." (Blindspotting, S01E06)
• "I could be a nanny. I take care of my kids right after I take care of the white ones." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E09)
• "You'd be working a regular job too if it wasn't for that little-ass amount of lean you be selling, fake-ass Ghost." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E09)
• "The Forest Whitaker joint?"
  "The nigga from The Butler?" (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E09)
• "Hands are tied, sweetie. I have to turn myself into a turkey and trick the president into giving me a presidential turkey pardon." (Rick and Morty, S05E06)
• "Careful, Dwayne. You're only vice president because I need 10% of the white vote." (Rick and Morty, S05E06)
• "Just pardon me, dick."
  "Why the hell would I?"
  "Oh, I dunno, 'cause if I move to Canada, they'll be the best country!" (Rick and Morty, S05E06)
• "I'm sick of hearing how iconic you were! Try having an historical administration after Facebook goes online, you old-timey bitch!" (Rick and Morty, S05E06)
• "Well, I'm racist." (Rick and Morty, S05E06)
• "You better not be here to take my man again. I'm poor! And pregnant! With a poor person!"
  "And I need you. And 10% of your baby. Now, look, I know it's gonna take more than some speech. But what is a speech? Isn't it just a question? And isn't that a question too? Speeches are words. Repeated words. Listed words. Repeated lists of repeated words. None of that matters. You know what does matter? Me. Asking you. 'Will you do what I say?'" (Rick and Morty, S05E06)
• "Whose side are we on?"
  "I don't know, but we've done enough to pay for college." (Rick and Morty, S05E06)
• "Heritage destroyed." (Rick and Morty, S05E06)
• "The Berlin Wall has come down."
  "It's called the PlayStation."
  "The winner is…Shakespeare in Love."
  "PlayStation 2."
  "Hurricane Katrina slams Louisiana…"
  "PlayStation 3."
  "This is Maroon 5…"
  "PlayStation 4."
  "The Cubbies win!"
  "I want a PlayStation 5."
  [gasping]
  "I wasn't sure when to pull you out. I assumed you were running through your whole life."
  "Yes. And what a life it was." (Rick and Morty, S05E06)
• "Well, I refuse to pay for this man's health care." (Rick and Morty, S05E06)
• ♫: Lil Dicky – "Me Too" (Dave, S02E08)
• Lil Dicky – "Jenkum" (Dave, S02E08)
• ♫: The Verve Pipe – "Freshmen" (Dave, S02E08)
• "David, is this a punk?"
  "Mm‐hmm, yep."
  "Am I a punk?"
  "I think you don't understand that phrase, but…" (Dave, S02E08)
• "My favorite color. It's tan."
  "No, it's not."
  "It is. It's tan."
  "You're the only person in the world whose favorite color is tan."
  "Well, then, I'm very special. Like you are."
  "Well, I agree, you are special, and I'll paint my whole abdomen tan." (Dave, S02E08)

(American Horror Stories, S01E04)

(American Horror Stories, S01E04)

• "I'm fucking scared."
  "Yeah, so am I."
  "And okay. It was a boner." (American Horror Stories, S01E04)
• "Mm, rain soup." (Ultra City Smiths, S01E03)
• "Bad time to go lime, kid. You're getting close to catching a killer. Fight the lime." (Ultra City Smiths, S01E03)
• "Did you sleep here?"
  "'Perchance to dream here.'" (Ted Lasso, S02E02)
• "I named him Ted. After Ted Danson."
  "All-time great. You know, from Cheers to Curb to The Good Place. What a career. I mean, he's basically the male version of Julia Louis-Dreyfus."
  "Who's like the female version of Dave Grohl." (Ted Lasso, S02E02)
• "Old people are so wise. They're like tall Yodas." (Ted Lasso, S02E02)
• "You know, I've noticed that sometimes having a tough dad is exactly what drives certain fellas to become great at what they do. You know, I hear Bono's father was a real piece of work. But then again, so was Joshua Tree, so you know…" (Ted Lasso, S02E02)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Underground Railroad
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Girls5eva

30. Walk of No Shame (Starstruck, S01E02)

Honourable Mention

• Dave listens to Kanye West's "Blood on the Leaves" (Dave, S02E07)
• Larry Bitterman attacks Tipper Gore (American Horror Stories, S01E03)

Stray Observations

• "Does this suck? Are you worried we're gonna get bored?"
  "No."
  "I wish we had drugs."
  "I know. I have weed."
  "Holy shit."
  "It's not very much. I don't have anything to smoke it with, though. Oh, wait. What am I talking about? I threw it in last minute."
  "We're gonna get fat. This shit makes everything delicious."
  "Oh, shit. I have Addies if you wanna be skinny tweakers. I don't like taking 'em, though, 'cause then I can't sleep and I get all jittery."
  "Oh, well, I… I brought Ambien, uh, Xanax, and a few Klonopin. But we can't use it all 'cause I need them for my panic attacks."
  "Holy shit. I totally forgot that I stashed some ketamine in here." (The White Lotus, S01E02)
• "Mom, you can't just open the doors."
  "Why not?"
  "Paula's an HSP."
  "What is that?"
  "Highly sensitive person."
  "That's not real."
  "Mom, it's a clinical diagnosis."
  "Really? Who's her physician? Lena Dunham?"
  "It's real."
  "Yeah, you could inflame my Morgellons." (The White Lotus, S01E02)
• "They're gonna regret this. Lorenzo is a gay Filipino beast." (The White Lotus, S01E02)
• "Liv, your mother is not Putin." (The White Lotus, S01E02)
• "I got one boy going on man and one man I've made a growing lie." (Blindspotting, S01E05)
• "Why are you so naked all the time?"
  "Take it easy on her today, y'all. My girl's goin' through it."
  "Uh, goin' through what? The last pair of pants? A cotton allergy? A denim protest?" (Blindspotting, S01E05)
• "Do you know what a barge is?"
  "Just that Gaston is roughly the size of one."
  "That's cute. You got kids?"
  "No. No kids."
  "Less cute, then." (Blindspotting, S01E05)
• "Man, that nigga was full of shit. This nigga's sittin' here talkin' bout', 'Aw, as a black artist, you gotta have an original voice. And as black artists, we gotta whoo-whoo-whoo.' The whole time, this nigga from New Hampshire."
  "Well, what was he saying? Would you listen to him?"
  "What?"     
  "I don't know, he's like, an expert at looking at art, and you sleep on a couch." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E08)
• "You think people will show up? 81 people?"
  "I mean, they might. I don't know, maybe. I put it on my Hinge profile, so, you know, there's gonna be a lot of listeners in here." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E08)
• "The fuck is you lookin' at, nigga? Eric Benét-lookin' ass." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E08)
• "Where does she wanna retire?"
  "Mm-mm-mm. [I don't know.]"
  "Where'd she meet her spouse?"
  "Ew, what the fuck is this shit talkin' about?"
  "I don't know why her questions are so weird." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E08)
• Olympic Diving with Bad Swimmers (Rick and Morty, S05E05)
• ♫: Jerry singing Yello's "Oh Yeah" (Rick and Morty, S05E05)
• "You have virginity?"
  "I don't know, don't all objects? Isn't a doorknob a virgin?"
  "Not mine. Never fucked a doorknob." (Rick and Morty, S05E05)
• "Goddammit, Beth, you never follow hell-demons to a second location. It's always Hell." (Rick and Morty, S05E05)
• "You're just moody you got stuck with the marlin." (Rick and Morty, S05E05)
• "We've assigned you a public defender. Her name is Alyson Hannigan. No relation." (Rick and Morty, S05E05)
• "Oh! The leather! It hurts my balls!" (Rick and Morty, S05E05)
• Crime Scene Kitchen Season Grade: C
• Desiigner (Dave, S02E07)
• ♫: Dave East – "Handsome" (Dave, S02E07)
• Denzel Curry (Dave, S02E07)
• "Hey, I got a buddy who loves shitting in the mall. What's his favorite movie?"
  "What?"
  "Paul Fart: Mall Poop." (Dave, S02E07)
• "Fuck! Great. I'm gonna be up the entire night writing some verse that can fit over any beat, tempo that's ever existed."
  "Bro, that's what rappers do, bro. You got it. Game six."
  "Seven. It's seven, Gata. Who said six? That's… What are you talking about?"
  "Oh, nah. He closing out in six, bro. Icons can do anything. Jordan played baseball. You know what I'm saying? Bo Jackson did it all. You got it." (Dave, S02E07)
• "Back in the 1930s, do you think guys were bringing their sweethearts to watch Dracula because they liked Tod Browning's mise‐en‐scène? No, dude. They wanted Lugosi to give them a chance at some skirt." (American Horror Stories, S01E03)
• "All right, unpopular opinion: Horror films suck now. They're either low-rent shit to fill up a streaming menu or pretentious crap that puts you to sleep." (American Horror Stories, S01E03)
• "But if you read Bloody Disgusting or Dread Central, you know the other story." (American Horror Stories, S01E03)
• John Carroll Lynch → a shot of a clown burning (American Horror Stories, S01E03)
• Netflix on Hulu (American Horror Stories, S01E03)
• Tom Waits narrating (Ultra City Smiths, S01E01)
• "Good luck, guys and gals."
  "The bats are weapons. They're a little gang, the Baseball Bullies." (Ultra City Smiths, S01E01)
• "What the hell."
  "The Nixons. Major tween gang. There're tween rumbles breaking out all winter. Upper East Side, 'cause of the junior turf wars." (Ultra City Smiths, S01E01)
• "This town will bring a mom down." (Ultra City Smiths, S01E01)
• "I dance my demons down now and then."
  "Your what?"
  "My demons. I dance myself clean every night. I dance sometimes until I'm actually so physically tired, I can't lift a beer, or a cigarette, or a lime."
  "Lime?"
  "I'm addicted to limes."
  "What?"
  "Yeah, I have a bunch."
  "Of addictions?"
  "Of limes. But, yeah, demons too, so… Pumpkin carving, coke."
  "Cocaine."
  "Little bit – and Coke."
  "So, I dance myself to sleep every night to fight the demons off." (Ultra City Smiths, S01E01)
• "What is going— What is the situation here?"
  "Well, it's against the law to not have pants, right?"
  "That's right."
  "I needed money, man, for pants, so I could stop committing the crime of not having pants."
  "And what happened to your pants?"
  "Time was up on 'em."
  "On what?"
  "On my rented pants."
  "Where are you from?"
  "Mississippi."
  "Spell it."
  "M-I-S-P-S-M-M-M-M…"
  "Are you done?"
  "Sure."
  "You spelled— You just pretty much said a bunch of M's."
  "It's like you ate something delicious, man, and then you said, 'Mmm,' and then we said, 'Can you spell that?' and then you spelled 'that' but you didn't spell 'Mississippi.'"
  […]
  "What are you doing? That's just gonna make another naked guy. Why are you wearing two pairs of pants?"
  "In case of a situation like this."
  "You were prepared for this?"
  "Yeah."
  "You, like, imagined this happening, and then you prepared for it by wearing two pants?"
  "What else are you prepared for?"
  "What?"
  "You're prepared to deal with a nude purse snatcher." (Ultra City Smiths, S01E02)
• "I can use my wealth to / Go to Home Depot / And pay those guys out front to find Big / foot." (Ultra City Smiths, S01E02)
• "Dance me down, cop."
  "What does that mean?"
  "Dance in the area where I'm dancing, and dance better than me. And then I'll be, like, a little embarrassed or, like, unsure of myself. And then I'll go sit down and pretend like I wanted to stop anyway. You know, dance me down."
  "You're gonna try?"
  "Yeah. I was prepared for this."
  "For what? To dance a guy down so you ask him questions about his missing father?" (Ultra City Smiths, S01E02)
• "You forgot about me, didn't you? Sorry I missed that middle part there. I have another job." (Ultra City Smiths, S01E02)
• "Twitter is going bonkers. Look."
  "Oh, God. Did we really make Michael Jordan cry?" (Ted Lasso, S02E01)
• "The team's playing well, Ted, just a little unlucky, that's all."
  "'Unlucky.' Yeah. Man, I love the way y'all use that word over here. Back home, if a team was playing poorly, we don't call 'em unlucky. What do we call 'em, Coach?"
  "New York Jets." (Ted Lasso, S02E01)
• "Football is death!" (Ted Lasso, S02E01)
• "So this chap I've been seeing, John."
  "Stamos?!"
  "No…" (Ted Lasso, S02E01)
• "Rule number one: Even though it's called 'girl talk,' sometimes it needs to be more like, 'Girl, listen.'" (Ted Lasso, S02E01)
• "You suffered an unlikely and tragic coincidence. Not too dissimilar from those seen throughout Paul Thomas Anderson's 1999 opus, Magnolia."
  "Is that Tom Cruise with a little tiny ponytail?"
  "No, Dani. I think you're thinking about The Last Samurai."
  "He's got a little tiny ponytail in Magnolia too, Coach."
  "Thank you, Coach. My apologies, Dani. Tom Cruise was rocking a little tiny ponytail in both those films." (Ted Lasso, S02E01)
• "Hey, fellas! Line up for Midnight Poutine!" (Ted Lasso, S02E01)
• "What are the yips?"
  "Are you kidding me, you two? We don't say the Y-word out loud, you understand? It's like saying 'Macbeth' in a theater, or 'Voldemort' at Hogwarts, or…"
  "'Soccer' in England." (Ted Lasso, S02E01)
• "And now, we're nose-to-nose with one another, and half of me is thinking, 'Just kick this jerk in the balls, and when he bends over, give him a knee to the nose and be done with it, 'cause screw this guy. And the other half of me is thinking, 'But it's Martin Short.'" (Ted Lasso, S02E01)
• "Look, I'm all for whatever it takes to help Dani get back to being a hundred. But this whole idea of bringing in someone from the outside to help us get him there, I don't know, it just kinda puts a little knot in my belly. I'm not sure why."
  "Sounds like it might be your favorite Gin Blossoms song."
  "'Follow You Down'?"
  "No, 'Hey Jealousy.'"
  "No, 'Hey Jealousy' is their best song. My favorite song of theirs is 'Follow You Down.' You don't know that story?" (Ted Lasso, S02E01)
• ♫: Aimee Mann – "Wise Up" ← Magnolia callback? (Ted Lasso, S02E01)
• "Dr. Sharon helped me remember that even though football is life, football is also death. And that football is football too. But mostly that football is life!" (Ted Lasso, S02E01)
• "Your favorite film is Schindler's List?"
  "Oh, no. That's— This is not my badge. 'Cause it's a pretty obvious choice, no offense. Again, I'm not Mike. That's not my… I actually haven't even seen Schindler's List."
  "You've never seen Schindler's List?"
  "No. No. I've seen Son of Saul. That's devastating, isn't it?" (Starstruck, S01E01)
• "Reese Witherspoon!"
  "No, it's not Reese Witherspoon."
  "Natalie Portman!"
  "What is this game?"
  "A celebrity is coming to dinner, but will they fit through the door?" (Starstruck, S01E01)
• "I am actually glad you brought this up, though, because I am seeing someone new. I wanted you to be the first to know. He's called the Babadook. He's got a top hat. He's really good with kids." (Starstruck, S01E05)
• "It's more than a crush."
  "Okay, Mandy Moore." (Starstruck, S01E05)
• "It's my own fault that I'm here. And that I'm me. And this is my life. And then, I have bod poser." ← "bad posture" callback (Starstruck, S01E05)
• Starstruck Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Underground Railroad
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Girls5eva

29. Racial Chat Room (Dave, S02E06)

Stray Observations

• Steve Zahn's penis (The White Lotus, S01E01)
• "It's just…so disturbing that it's in my balls, and that they get big like this. It's very Gogol." (The White Lotus, S01E01)
• "Like she actually cared about the working poor. She was a neoliberal war hawk."
  "She was a neolib and a neocon."
  "I'm sorry, did you say Hillary Clinton?" (The White Lotus, S01E01)
• "Just sneak out the back with your art guy. You can finish the meeting at, like, a Golden Krust? I don't know, there's, like, three in walking distance." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E07)
• "Yo, but didn't he get expelled? How he get inside? So they just letting anybody in the school?"
  "He's white." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E07)
• "(kevin's been listening to t.i. interviews)" (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E07)
• "It was also the perfect medium to capture the subject's, uh, chura-scaro, so…"
  "Chiaroscuro."
  "I've heard it both ways." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E07)
• "She told me if she catch me hanging out with you again, she's sending my ass to Nigeria, and I'm not trying to end up like Donovan." [pan to Donovan's shirt] (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E07)
• Clip-on tie (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E07)
• "Dan, the kid didn't sneak through a crack door. He walked through the entrance. He's white." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E07)
• Callback to "Bro, I bet nothing is even about to happen to White Marcus. Like most cops probably just going to take his ass to Burger King or some shit." (Flatbush Misdemeanors, S01E07)
• "Okay, let's go see this latest piece of Marvel shit you kids are jizzing over." (Rick and Morty, S05E04)
• "You're not being very scientific, Morty. Measure twice, cut once. Especially with semen." (Rick and Morty, S05E04)
• "Now, how do we deal with these…orgasogoblins? No takers? Okay. These…cumplestiltskins? No? Dumb? These, uh, skeet boogins?"
  "Oh, yeah, yeah, skeet boogins."
  "Really? Skeet boogins? We'll use it as a placeholder and beat it later." (Rick and Morty, S05E04)
• "Are you out of your mind bringing an armed sperm in here?" (Rick and Morty, S05E04)
• "The sperm made a catapult? Are they getting smarter?"
  "No, you're getting dumber because that's a trebuchet."
  "Nobody knows the difference!"
  "They're reloading that textbook trebuchet!" (Rick and Morty, S05E04)
• "Fools! You can't beat me! You didn't bring a woman that can kickbox!" (Rick and Morty, S05E04)
• "Take three steps back, Amazing Johnathan." (Rick and Morty, S05E04)
• Easy button (Rick and Morty, S05E04)
• "Oh, I've been dubbed many names by many people. A ruler, a conqueror, He Who Remains, a jerk." (Loki, S01E06)
• "Why aren't we seeing this the same way?"
  "Because you can't trust…and I can't be trusted." (Loki, S01E06)
• "I'll see you soon." (Loki, S01E06)
• Loki Season Grade: B
• "But I'm telling you, I will not be eating there."
  "You think the IKEA recipe says 'onions, carrots, celery, and horse'?"
  "I'm not saying that it's part of their recipe, but I think there's clearly
  a lack of oversight."
  "Hey, Siri, are IKEA meatballs made of horse?" (Dave, S02E06)
• "Honey, if you think it's gonna make you happy dating women in the industry, let me tell you, you've got another thing coming."
  "Another think coming."
  "What?"
  "Another think."
  "What are you talking about?"
  "You said 'another thing.' It's another— The expression, 'another think coming.'"
  "Think?" (Dave, S02E06)
• "This bitch…" (Dave, S02E06)
• "Is my body acne on camera?" (Dave, S02E06)
• "This the third fucking revelation of Sremm! We used to work at fucking Olive Garden, eating breadsticks and drinking fucking…water!"
  "We came all the way up." (Dave, S02E06)
• "@ChampagnePapi is following you" (Dave, S02E06)
• "Dude, Maya's a professional actress."
  "No, she's not. She's a model. Also, she's barely even a model. She just did one ad for Sprouts." (American Horror Stories, S01E01)
• "Whose blood is this?"
  "I don't know. Hers, maybe? Time of the month?"
  "Oh, right. It would also explain how bitchy she's been."
  "You want to get blitzed on Xanax and edibles and watch The Crown?" (American Horror Stories, S01E01)
• A Netflix show in a Hulu show (American Horror Stories, S01E01)
• "I really think we should have a session about this. I got some time between 4:00 and 6:00. There's another therapist here, so I'm just fighting for office hours." (American Horror Stories, S01E01)
• "Unless it's free, we don't have the money to pay him. We have almost no extra cash. And while you may be great at sucking dick, with all the work we have left to do, a couple BJs aren't gonna make up the difference." (American Horror Stories, S01E02)
• "I want in on that too."
  "What?"
  "Your marriage. I don't want to sleep in the same bed as you guys, or put my toothbrush on the counter next to yours, but I want mouth and ass privileges." (American Horror Stories, S01E02)
• ♫: Yeah Yeah Yeahs – "Heads Will Roll" (American Horror Stories, S01E02)
• "I'm sorry. I'm possessive." (American Horror Stories, S01E02)
• "I've been whoring all morning and the whistle's dry." (The North Water, S01E01)
• "The money does what it wants to. Doesn't care what we prefer. Block off one passageway and it carves a new one." (The North Water, S01E01)
• "It is a grave mistake to think too much. Why board the Volunteer? Why sealing?
  Why whaling? There is no reason and that is its great genius, the illogic of it, the near idiocy. Perhaps life cannot be puzzled or blathered into submission, but should be lived through and survived in whatever fashion a man can manage. Maybe cleverness will get you nowhere. Maybe it is only the stupid, the brilliantly stupid, who will inherit the earth." (The North Water, S01E01)
• "I am not on no Mother Teresa type shit, all right? I'm actually the most selfish person you'll ever meet. For real, for real. Check it out, check it out, check it out. A. I love cooking. B. I adore Black folks. C. I get to do what I like to do, all day every day. Now tell me what's not more selfish than that right there." (Betty, S02E06)
• Betty Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Underground Railroad
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Girls5eva