Adam Riff™

44. That boy is poisoned (Only Murders in the Building, S01E10)

Honourable Mention

• Pho Power (The Next Thing You Eat, S01E04)

Stray Observations

• "Member number?"
  "Member number. One, zero, zero. That's my member number." (BMF, S01E04)
• "Dad? Want me to ride with you?"
  "You wanna suck my dick?"
  "Is what he said to his son as the sexual assault allegations poured in." (Succession, S03E01)

(Succession, S03E01)

• "Get the Raisin. Let's go to the top." (Succession, S03E01)
• "Do we want to order some food?"
  "Food? Swallow. We're on saliva and adrenaline here, until we get on a plane. All right? No local foods. I get the shits, we're fucked." (Succession, S03E01)
• "Uh, you're the number one trending topic, ahead of Tater Tots, and the Pope followed you. Okay, no, this is not the—is this the real? No, I don't think this is the Pope. No, it's, it's a pope. It's not the Pope." (Succession, S03E01)
• "This is crazy. This is like, this is like O.J. I mean, except if O.J. never killed anyone."
  "Who said I never killed anyone?"
  "What character is that?"
  "Juice is loose, baby!" (Succession, S03E01)
• "Shiv, Roman, Gerri are gonna go back to manage New York. No need for me to go running back like a slapped girl, looks weak." (Succession, S03E01)
• "Karl, if your hands are clean it's only because your whorehouse also does manicures." (Succession, S03E01)
• "Have a problem in there, buddy? Can't find a vein?" (Succession, S03E01)
• "If it's going, you want it?"
  "I don't wanna be buried like Miss Haversham with a fucking bonnet full of clever stratagems, so, yeah! Yes! Yes, I want it!" (Succession, S03E01)
• "Well, I just, I may as well say, on a dumb level, I'd like my Twitter to be off the hook. This could all get super earnest, so I was thinking of hitting up some BoJack guys. You know? Some, some, some of the Lampoon kids…just to smash that shit, make my feed a little powder keg people need to check-in with?"
  "Like cool tweets that position you?"
  "Yeah, that would be the…straight-leg chino way of putting it. 'Cool tweets.'" (Succession, S03E01)
• "I'd lay you badly, but I'd lay you gladly." (Succession, S03E01)
• "Look, I wasn't gonna say anything, but…Brittany saw you steal a box set."
  "I did not steal any…"
  "Law & Order, season ten. I‐I know you've been strapped for cash since Eddie, but that's a fireable offense."
  "It was in the bargain bin, okay? The package was…"
  "You know, you can pretty much watch Law & Order whenever you want. Just turn on the TV, and there it is. Now my hands are tied." (Y: The Last Man, S01E08)
• "Okay, we‐we gotta break the door down."
  "Excuse me? We weigh 125 combined."
  "Oh, thank you. It's the dips." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E10)
• "So, I know this isn't easy to hear, but…we found out that Tim was having some sort of romantic thing with—"
  "Jan was fucking Tim Kono!" (Only Murders in the Building, S01E10)
• "You almost let me break my scapula earlier, and you could do this?"
  "Charles taught me. I taught him how to use Postmates, and he taught me how to do this."
  "Aw. You two, I swear. It's like watching Paper Moon for the first time all over again." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E10)
• "Jan's Lil T♥xins" (Only Murders in the Building, S01E10)
• "You overpay for your arugula every time, Uma."
  "You're one to talk, Miss Fresh Basil in February." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E10)
• "We are all Tim Kono." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E10)
• Only Murders in the Building Season Grade: B
• "You know, I have a queer kid."
  "You have a kid?"
  "Genderfluid."
  "And you're cool with it?"
  "I'm not a monster, Jake." (Chucky, S01E02)
• "Trick or treat!"
  "Oh. Aren't you girls a little mature for this type of thing? You know, when I was your age, I was high as a kite." (Chucky, S01E02)

(Chucky, S01E02)

• "Wow, Jake. You look incredible."
  "That looks so real."
  "Yeah. Who you supposed to be, though?"
  "Victim of circumstances." (Chucky, S01E02)
• "You have to ask him."
  "Ask him what?"
  "Did he fuck this intern?" (American Crime Story, S03E07)
• "I can't be fucking Richard Nixon. You know, everything you work for gone, shell of yourself for the rest of your life." (American Crime Story, S03E07)
• The Roseanne Show (American Crime Story, S03E07)
• "That thing was eating Ronnie."
  "Who's Ronnie?"
  "The one with his face eaten off." (American Horror Story, S10E10)
• "I can't believe we traded the best parts of being human – our freedom, curiosity, our need to explore – all for microchip technology and the ability to send memes around the world. What a sad race we turned out to be." (American Horror Story, S10E10)

(American Horror Story, S10E10)

• "Why do you get to decide what's right?"
  "Because I'm Mamie goddamn Eisenhower." (American Horror Story, S10E10)
• American Horror Story Season Grade: C
• "That's Colin Robinson's favorite song."
  "Oh, good. You guys added 'The Hamster Dance' to the playlist." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E09)
• "You know he's not going to die. You're not going to get his money."
  "I'm gonna do the Humpty Hump later. "(What We Do in the Shadows, S03E09)
• Donal Logue (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E09)
• "Ranch for the human consort!" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E09)
• "Hey, guys. I think I'm gonna pass on the…the fuck-and-suck show." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E09)
• Colin Robinson farting (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E09)
• "That awkward moment…" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E09)
• "I kind of feel like the first 100 years of my life were wasted, so…starting tomorrow, Colin Robinson's motto is 'young, dumb, and full of cum.'" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E09)
• "He farted, not me!" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E09)
• "Hello, Guillermo. Did you bring more people to yank on my pee-pee?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E09)
• "He let out one last quiet fart, a gentle one, and then he expired." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E09)

(What We Do in the Shadows, S03E09)

• "Check out this asshole's novelty tie. Come on, Reagan, you wanna hate-watch Cosmos with me?" (Inside Job, S01E01)
• "I graduated Yale top of my frat." (Inside Job, S01E01)
• "The world is ablaze with the president's bold call to withdraw from the globe. The question remains: what does being trapped in a giant metal box mean for Wall Street?" (Inside Job, S01E01)
• "Jet fuel? Brett, you know this can't melt anything." (Inside Job, S01E01)
• "Honey, that guy is a legend."
  "Yeah, and a sweetheart. He talked me off the ledge after my divorce."
  "He talked me onto a ledge at a parkour convention." (Inside Job, S01E02)
• "Have you ever seen Akira?"
  "Of course I've seen Akira! Anime is very mainstream right now!" (Inside Job, S01E02)
• "Andre, can you synthesize a chemical compound that can dissolve a giant flesh monster thing?"
  "If it can kill you, I've made it and sold it to Monsanto." (Inside Job, S01E02)
• "Netflix paid a hundred million for it."
  "Really?"
  "Yeah. Wow. I mean, holy shit. Isn't the rainforest burning?" (Inside Job, S01E02)
• "Ooh, girl, your eyes are sunken. You look like if Steve Buscemi mated with Steve Buscemi." (Inside Job, S01E03)
• "We reptoids have had a great decade. Thanks to propaganda in the media, we have made society more tolerant of our kind, from the Geico Gecko to The Shape of Water. We even got K. Rool in Smash!" (Inside Job, S01E03)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Underground Railroad
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: What We Do in the Shadows

43. Not *NSYNC… (Dear White People, S04E04)

Stray Observations

• "Rock, tell Wonder Boy here what I call personal problems."
  "Excuses. And just like assholes, everybody's got one. (BMF, S01E02)
• Snoop Dogg (BMF, S01E03)
• "Yo, did you just call her a ho?"
  "If the corner fits." (BMF, S01E03)
• "You know, America is a beautiful country. It'll be a shame if you didn't get to see all of it. What you say, Filmel? When the doctors let you go, how about…you get in that janky-ass car of yours and you take a road trip for the rest of your fuckin' life, huh?" (BMF, S01E03)
• "Friends do a lot of things, but a sponge bath ain't one of 'em." (BMF, S01E03)
• "It's still too early for me to have sex."
  "Ain't nothing wrong with your mouth, though."
  "When was the last time you ate my pussy, huh?"
  "Yo, come on. You was pregnant."
  "With your baby, nigga."
  "I told you that's against my religion."
  "Oh, okay. But sucking your dick ain't." (BMF, S01E03)
• "I didn't think you were ready for the big-time, and I didn't want to watch you drink yourself to death in six months."
  "Oh, for fuck's sakes, Jack. Watch Ric Flair's 30 for 30. I would've been fine." (Heels, S01E08)
• "What's wrong?"
  "Uh, I think I shit my pants a little."
  "Oh…"
  "Mm, I guess I shit my pants a lot. This is a shame I cannot bear. If I get up, I'll never live it down, so I must play dead." (Heels, S01E08)
• Heels Season Grade: C
• "Why help us? What's in it for you?"
  "I don't know, maybe hell isn't other people." (Y: The Last Man, S01E07)
• "Uh, I'd like to point out that when I offered to help, everyone sent me home to get stabbed." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E09)
• "My kids are too scared to sleep in their own rooms. So now, I share my bed with people who are actively shitting themselves." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E09)
• "Do you think his sex toys could reveal anything? Like a…girl guy? Guy guy? They them? They girl? Guy them?" (Only Murders in the Building, S01E09)
• "And here you are, in the apartment, with your creaky‐kneed stunt double, and your sad little melancholy omelet." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E09)
• "Okay, look… I-I am sorry, but I do not see the need to use profanity."
  "That makes one of us." (American Crime Story, S03E06)
• "You into vintage?"
  "No, I'm into retro."
  "Oh, what's the difference?"
  "About 10 bucks." (Chucky, S01E01)
• Devon Sawa playing twins (Chucky, S01E01)
• "Apparently, she's Botox curious, she's into Pokémon porn, and look what she keeps googling: 'Why do my farts smell so good?'" (Chucky, S01E01)
• "It doesn't bother you that everybody thinks you're fucking weird, huh?"
  "You don't care that they think I'm weird. You just care that they know I'm a fag." (Chucky, S01E01)
• "Well, now you know how I felt during the war. I was stuck here leading scrap metal drives while you were carrying on with that trollop in army HQ. By the way…he loved my fudge." (American Horror Story, S10E09)
• Stanley Kubrick (American Horror Story, S10E09)
• "It's nice to reminisce with someone other than Steve Jobs." (American Horror Story, S10E09)
• "Maybe someday I will use internet to research my middle name."
  "What's your middle name?"
  "Bukkake."
  "What?" (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E09)
• "Praise the moons for Bukkake!" (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E09)
• "But I will always love you, Nora Bukkake Lin."
  "No, my-my-my name wouldn't be– I wouldn't have that Bukkake–"
  "But we're married. I give you–"
  "Last name. I get your last name."
  "Oh!"
  "Yeah, yeah."
  "I see. Then you would be an Aynusslahfer." (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E09)
• Old people videoconferencing (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E09)
• Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens Season Grade: C
• "I think he might be having a midlife crisis. But he's immortal, so I guess…maybe more like a crisis-crisis." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "Why are you dressed like a Playmobil figurine?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "Have a great, unenlightened eternity. Farewell! Auf Wiedersehen! Good night, Seattle, and good mental health!" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• ♫: Barenaked Ladies – "One Week" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "Now, when doing your taxes, women act like you don't understand." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "How to smile. This is especially important for the women when you're an expert about something, and a man is explaining it to you. Strained eyes but really big smile." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "'In case any of you dumb idiot assholes care – assholes with one 'S,' – uh, where I've gone, it's here.'"
  "Give me that."
  "All right, but you may want to wash your hands. That has a full room of butt wind on it." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "You covered my friends in garlic powder!" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "You just punched Jeremy."
  "Fuck Jeremy!" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "If I wasn't a human, I'd be crushing your dick and slamming it on the floor." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "You're not a human, master!"
  "I'm not? Then how do you explain this? ♫ It's been one week since you looked at me / Cocked your head to the side and said, 'I'm angry' / Five days since you laughed at me. ♫ I know the whole fucking song." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "Silver rope-lined seat belts" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "I think I did something really drastic."
  "Oh, you pierce your pee-pee?"
  "No, but–"
  "Tattoo your pee-pee?"
  "You guys–"
  "Tell us more about your pee-pee. You've never been so interesting." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• "No, there's no need to do that, Colin Robinson, because I am not brainwashed. I am perfectly sane. I was just having fun with my new friends."
  "That's, uh, basically what Patricia Krenwinkel said." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)
• ♫: Timothy Fleet and Wayne Murray – "Sos" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E08)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Underground Railroad
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: What We Do in the Shadows

42. Building a Better Butt Plug (The Premise, S01E05)

Honourable Mention

• Butt plug pitch (The Premise, S01E05)
• Best Buy (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• Hard Seltzer (Saturday Night Live, S47E02)

Stray Observations

• "But the thing is, you don't ever play the dope game – it plays you." (BMF, S01E02)
• "I ain't been soft since I came out my mama pussy." (BMF, S01E02)
• "And dope boys gossip more than women at their hair salons." (BMF, S01E02)
• "Re-package it? We cannot have roach legs in the damn work." (BMF, S01E02)
• [screams, breathing heavily]
  "I got neighbors, my nigga." (BMF, S01E02)
• Coney Island washroom sex (BMF, S01E02)
• "Thanks, baby. See you tomorrow?"
  "Same place, different position."
  "Mm."
  "Man, she got ass for days, don't she?"
  "Yeah, she got a whole bunch of other shit too, nigga." (BMF, S01E02)
• "Who prints a flyer on cardstock?" (Heels, S01E07)
• "Says the guy who kept the belt for himself by deep-dicking me six ways from Sunday."
  "Can we please scour the Earth and find a new metaphor for betrayal?"
  "I agree, Willie. I've always considered deep-dicking to be a reward of sorts, a gift, something desired with anticipation, longed for, if I may stretch the metaphor." (Heels, S01E07)
• "I gave you a gift, Jack, the gift of my ass. And you don't look a gift ass in the mouth, 'cause that mouth is my asshole." (Heels, S01E07)
• "Mickey's a softie. I-I mean, just a bighearted pastry bag of a man." (Heels, S01E07)
• "And write for the times. I mean, why do you think the Real Housewives are so popular, huh? Women can be terrible to other women. So let's give them the opportunity to be terrible to each other in the DWL ring." (Heels, S01E07)
• "He's my brother. I won't screw him like that."
  "Like he screws you? You familiar with rule 34? Rule 34 is the internet principle that posits that for any fictional character, someone somewhere online has drawn them having sex."
  "Like Hentai, the Japanese shit?"
  "Yes, like Hentai, but Hentai has evolved. I bookmarked this. It's disturbing, but do you notice anything?"
  "Is that me fucking Jack?"
  "No, that's Jack fucking you."
  "What the fuck, man? Look, I got no problem with gay shit, but don't show me that fucking shit. That's twisted. That's my brother, man."
  "Why do you think I call my promotion Dystopia? We live in a fallen world, a world of smut and shit and violence and people who traffic in and revel in dark, twisted shit."
  "Why are you so obsessed with dark and twisted shit?"
  "Have you ever had the displeasure of having a fat French-Canadian priest put his soft hands on your 12-year-old cock? I have. It'll give you a point of view about the world."
  "That's fucked up, man."
  "Yeah. And those drawings, that's how people see you, kid: getting fucked by Jack and kind of enjoying it." (Heels, S01E07)
• "Ah, I'm sorry, can I have the room…"
  "Why?"
  "…for a sec? You're just so fucking hot. I just—I gotta call my mom." (Heels, S01E07)
• "What the hell was that?"
  "That's this dude Bob Wired. He hits people with barb wire." (Heels, S01E07)
• "Mom, I think I got into the fight because I'm sad. Sometimes I feel like my spirit is broken." (Heels, S01E07)
• ♫: A capella "Karma Police" (Y: The Last Man, S01E06)
• "Hey, is this, uh…is this Radiohead?"
  "Every Sunday. The great dead men."
  "I saw Radiohead live. Yeah, my sister took me. She wanted to show me there was more to music than Weird Al."
  "Rest in peace, Weird Al." (Y: The Last Man, S01E06)
• "Okay, look, I know you've got a crush, but…"
  "What?"
  "Every time I turn around, you're making googly eyes at her."
  "I have an expressive face." (Y: The Last Man, S01E06)
• "Yummy. Body of Christ." (Y: The Last Man, S01E06)
• "When Campbell appointed me, you called me a xenophobe and a bigot."
  "Forgive me. Maybe you just play one on TV. Whatever sells catheters, right?" (Y: The Last Man, S01E06)
• "Do you know that I was the first director to use a real cadaver on stage? In Tuesdays at Bernie's. It was my dual adaptation of Tuesdays with Morrie and Weekend at Bernie's." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E08)
• "Hey, we're dying for the next episode!"
  "We may be too!" (Only Murders in the Building, S01E08)
• "Are you guys okay? Oh, do you want a Splenda?"
  "Jan, please, we're focused on staying alive here."
  "Okay, no Splenda. You know, there's some not-so-great studies." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E08)
• "I cannot function with all this pressure and nothing to dip." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E08)
• "Okay, as I said to Paula Abdul during our production of Hedda Gabler…" (Only Murders in the Building, S01E08)
• "Well, I wouldn't put it like that."
  "Oh, I would, because your input is destructive, and your pizza rolls are chewy." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E08)
• "Well, I go nuts for Christmas. I know it's maybe not your thing."
  "Oh, please. We're L.A. Jews. I've been going to Christmas parties since I was born." (American Crime Story, S03E05)
• "Come on. Kavanaugh, huh? You don't think we should just quit?"
  "I never like to take 'no' for an answer." (American Crime Story, S03E05)
• "Did he force you to kiss his penis?"
  "No. He asked."
  "Well, did you kiss his penis?" (American Crime Story, S03E05)
• "Uh, you filed an affidavit claiming that President Clinton's penis has a distinguishing characteristic. Is that correct?"
  "Yes. Um, it's got sort of a…a U-turn in it."
  "Oh, you also made a statement that, uh, the president's penis is small." (American Crime Story, S03E05)
• "We have tapes."
  "And thank God we do too, 'cause a jury would fucking hate that lady." (American Crime Story, S03E05)
• "Nobody messes with Vegas." (What If…?, S01E09)
• What If…? Season Grade: C
• Steve Jobs (American Horror Story, S10E08)
• "Oh, most people who are here are one and done, but then there are a few like me who are on the annual plan."
  "Annual? As in you've been through this more than once?"
  "Yeah, and I thought Circus Circus was hell on Earth." (American Horror Story, S10E08)
• The LINE LA (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E09)
• "Where are we going next, though? Ripley's Believe It or Not? The Rock Hard Café?"
  "The Rock Hard Café?" (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E09)
• "It's impossible to mess up jook. I mixed it with a shit twig before."
  "A what?"
  "Uh, a twig with a little bit of shit on it." (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E09)
• "This is wine we make from our own summer squash."
  "And eagle semen."
  "Mm."
  "We call it nature drip here." (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E09)
• "My mom used to take me to the movies too."
  "Oh!"
  "Well, not movies. Live theatre."
  "Oh, wow!"
  "Well, not live theatre. Public executions." (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E09)
• "Everything I have is riding on this butt plug." (The Premise, S01E05)
• "Veblen good" (The Premise, S01E05)
• The Premise Season Grade: C
• "Count Bakula" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• "This is ultimately what power-sharing and coexistence is all about."
  "A real Israel/Palestine situation."
  "Yes, a win-win." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• "Honestly, Nandor, I don't want to sample virgin dogs. 'Vampire ice cream'? It's just cold blood." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• "If she wants to go out there, get kidnapped by a Turkish horde of gangsters and sold off as mincemeat, fine by me. Rolled up, turned into kofta, then I'm fine with that." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• Carmel car service jingle (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• Scabby the Rat (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• "Is this stuff any good or is it just shit?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• "Now, will you be wanting the extended warranty coverage?"
  "I won't be talked into any extended warranty."
  "Got it. Now if you just punch in your email—"
  "Nor will I punching in my email address. I won't be talked into any kind of Best Buy membership card or charge card." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• "Nothing to be nervous about. It's not the first time a beautiful woman has shit on my shoes." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
• "Oh, Heather." (Ted Lasso, S02E12)
• "Fuck you, Piers Morgan." (Ted Lasso, S02E12)
• "You know, fellas, we make a lot of choices in our lives every single day, ranging from, 'Am I really about to eat something called Greek yogurt?' to…" (Ted Lasso, S02E12)
• "Follow the money!" (Ted Lasso, S02E12)
• "Will it be Macy Greyhound or Tina Feyhound?" (Ted Lasso, S02E12)
• "You live, you learn, right? Thank you, Alanis." (Ted Lasso, S02E12)

» "Looks like a Renaissance painting portraying masculine melancholy." (Ted Lasso, S02E12)

• "Chris, is time running out on Richmond's chances to control their future?"
  "Only if you think of time as linear, Arlo."
  "Yes, Chris. I do." (Ted Lasso, S02E12)
• "You Nigerian motherfucker! You Yoruba trash. You medium-talent piece of shit."
  "Medium-talent?"
  "I will dedicate my life to destroying you, you fucking asshole! I will buy your childhood home, and I will take a sh1t in every room. And then I will burn the place down. Yeah. Then, I will sit there, and I'll eat kenkey, and I'll poop on the fucking ashes." (Ted Lasso, S02E12)
• Ted Lasso Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Underground Railroad
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: What We Do in the Shadows