Primitive Root Wiener

Today is my 39th birthday.

While contemplating whether to post about it, I realized that I totally forgot about Adam Riff™'s 21st anniversary last month.

And last year, I totally forgot about Adam Riff™'s fuckin' 20th anniversary.

Shit, when was the last time I acknowledged Adam Riff™'s anniversary on September 10?

[rummages through archive]


Is this what being married is like?

gg that was me

Wikipedia » Jon Miller (American sportscaster) » Personal life »

Miller was involved in a seven-year marriage with Roberta Creeron in the 1970s, which produced two daughters.

In 1986, he re-united with his childhood babysitter, Janine Allen, who had also married and divorced and had one daughter. The couple married in 1987 and have one son together.

We don't talk enough about how Jon Miller left his wife for his childhood babysitter.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

41. Scrabble of my eye (Only Murders in the Building, S01E07)

Stray Observations

  • "If you ever raise your fist at me again, I'll treat you like a nigga on the street." (BMF, S01E01)
  • "She like the E.F. Hutton of crack." (BMF, S01E01)
  • "Did you draw all these dicks?"
    "People grieve in their own way." (Y: The Last Man, S01E05)
  • "But I need this software and years of data and samples – 15 years' worth – before you're too old to be reproductively interesting." (Y: The Last Man, S01E05)
  • "When you were on The View, you called me strident."
    "None of that matters now. This place is a Rachel Maddow fever dream." (Y: The Last Man, S01E05)
  • "Why this place? Your apartment seemed nice enough."
    "I didn't have enough Jim Crow-era stained glass at my place." (Y: The Last Man, S01E05)
  • "Greek guys have the best eyes." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E07)
  • Gut Milk in wine glasses (Only Murders in the Building, S01E07)
  • "He's not good for you."
    "Oh, I wasn't aware boys were supposed to be good for you." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E07)
  • "Not that I don't enjoy our hangs. The quiet and the loud ones." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E07)
  • "I made an Excel spreadsheet documenting every sexual encounter." (American Crime Story, S03E04)
  • "He's watching G.I. Jane with Chelsea, and he cannot be disturbed." (American Crime Story, S03E04)
  • "Oh, God, everything he gets me is so ugly."
    "I'll just say one word: Arkansas." (American Crime Story, S03E04)
  • "It was when he gave me the Annie Lennox CD, which, I mean, just to say it, that's completely a make-out album. Like, it's not even subtle." (American Crime Story, S03E04)
  • Vernon Jordan slapping Monica's ass (American Crime Story, S03E04)
  • "Birthdays are for children."
    "Ugh, I don't get it. Did you have a bad experience in childhood or something?"
    "I'm German. You have to bake the cake yourself." (American Crime Story, S03E04)
  • "Our first time together after the election, he was…so excited to see me that he, you know…he finished. But I didn't even notice. I mean, no one did. I went out to dinner that night with friends. When I got back home, I changed. And I, uh, assumed it was guacamole. And then I realized…"
    "Are you saving it?"
    "What? No. Ew. Don't be disgusting. I just haven't gotten any of those clothes dry-cleaned 'cause I haven't needed to wear them. What? Do you get your clothes dry-cleaned, like, every day?"
    "I just…I use Dryel." (American Crime Story, S03E04)
  • "Paula Jones. Could she help me?"
    "Help you with what? Dating within your own bloodline? (American Crime Story, S03E04)
  • "So you really think the secret to taking down Ultron is here?"
    "It's Russia, Hawkeye. Secrets were the national pastime." (What If…?, S01E08)
  • "Your countrymen never heard of PDFs?"
    "Hard copies are harder to steal, easier to destroy. But code, code is slippery, and it never dies." (What If…?, S01E08)
  • "Come on. Don't try to make this fun, Nat. My will-to-live meter is flatlining, okay?" (What If…?, S01E08)
  • "Charles Xavier" file (What If…?, S01E08)
  • "I've ruined a lot of laptops this way. It's true. Just ask S.H.I.E.L.D. IT." (What If…?, S01E08)

(What If…?, S01E08)

  • "You cannot compute the power of my will." (What If…?, S01E08)

(What If…?, S01E08)

  • "It's like I'm living with present day Randy Quaid." (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E08)
  • "Now, I'm going to take this block of CTown cholesterol and masturbate to my Wisconsin ex-boyfriend-uh!" (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E08)
  • "Surround sound, baby! Isn't it dope?"
    "Yeah! Dope!"
    "Porn sounds sick on it!"
    "Yeah, I bet!" (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E08)
  • "Who's up for some Twister?"
    "I love Twister. Helen Hunt was so good in that. You remember that sitcom Wings?" (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E08)
  • "You know how we always say that New York isn't all that?"
    "We don't always say that."
    "Yeah, well, okay, if I'm gonna be acting, I need to go where the jobs flow like a river after a storm. LA. Los Angeles. Hollywood. It's been in front of me this whole time!"
    "Oh, yeah, for sure, dude. LA. Uh, if you can make it in that city, you can make it anywhere."
    "That's in New York."
    "Yeah." (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E08)
  • "Hobbies: cocaine" (American Horror Story, S10E07)
  • "Hobbies: dealing with a breakup" (American Horror Story, S10E07)
  • "But you have sex on Saturday."
    "That doesn't seem kosher."
    "Yeah, well, I only bottom on Saturday. That way, he's the only one doing any work." (American Horror Story, S10E07)
  • "Baby, when's the last time I ate your ass?"
    "I don't know, like, a week ago?"
    "I think I have Giardia again."
    "What the fuck is Giardia?"
    "It's when you eat ass…"
    "My ass is always spotless."
    "…and you get infected with invisible microbes or some shit. It's very common. I got it once senior year of high school."
    "When you were on the down-low with the quarterback, you ate the quarterback's ass?" (American Horror Story, S10E07)
  • "My love, the first time I met you, the first time I heard you speak, I felt like I was hearing music for the first time, like the way it feels when you're 12 and you hear a song that instantly makes you into an adult."
    "Have we been watching Garden State?" (The Premise, S01E04)
  • "No, it's a fucking urban myth, like ghosts or large penises." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E06)
  • "Lars Murderbone, Orlando Sentinel." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E06)
  • "So, hearing from one of my 'goyles out in Queens…" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E06)

(What We Do in the Shadows, S03E06)

  • "Why did you yank me early?"
    "That's what she said. I just found out about that series of jokes." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E06)
  • "Poutine" Supreme shirt (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
  • "You know, we used to believe that trees competed with each other for light. Suzanne Simard's field work challenged that perception, and we now realize that the forest is a socialist community." (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
  • "Yeah, well, like my father used to say, a sad white man is still a white man." (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
  • "Let's go kill two birds with one stone."
    "All right, yeah. Let's go…murder some birds with a rock." (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
  • "I had a torrid affair with Sam."
    "You and…"
    "…uel L. Jackson?" (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
  • "And now we're in a bit of a limbo situation."
    "Great party game, horrible relationship status." (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
  • Banksy (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
  • "You spelled 'favorite' wrong." (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
  • "If you excuse me, I'm gonna go hit one of my favorite British words, and my absolute favorite Diamond Phillips, the loo." (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
  • ♫: Radiohead – "Karma Police" (Ted Lasso, S02E11)
  • "There's no such thing as a bassoon solo. That's why I chose the instrument." (Ten Year Old Tom, S01E01)
  • "I'm just trying to help, because I know bassoon players are basically celibate."
    "I think you got your facts wrong."
    "They basically live like monks. Bassoon players, they get nothing." (Ten Year Old Tom, S01E01)
  • "The whole thing's very stressful. I'm used to more of a bassoon atmosphere." (Ten Year Old Tom, S01E01)
  • "Listen, rule number one of drug deals: Don't get your mom involved." (Ten Year Old Tom, S01E01)
  • "Let's start with $6,000 worth of Klondike bars."
    "We don't keep that many Klondike bars in stock. If you buy that whole shelf, it's $40."
    "Call someone."
    "Call Klondike?"
    "What, you scared? Give me Klondike's number. I'll call them."
    "I'm not scared to call Klondike."
    "This guy's scared to call."
    "This is such a weird challenge from two children." (Ten Year Old Tom, S01E01)
  • "You're officially a man now. You sank your first ice cream truck." (Ten Year Old Tom, S01E01)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Underground Railroad
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Other Two

Looking ahead:

To imagine hell is privilege

RFDS is an Australian drama television series which centres around the lives of workers for the Royal Flying Doctor Service of Australia.

Skymed follow the triumphs, heartbreaks and tribulations of budding nurses and pilots flying air ambulances in remote Northern Canada.

Dueling Commonwealth flying medical shows!

George Clooney's filmography in reverse:

Untitled Jon Watts film (will stream exclusively on Apple TV+)

Ticket to Paradise (Will stream exclusively on Peacock)

The Tender Bar (will stream exclusively on Amazon Prime Video)

The Midnight Sky (streaming exclusively on Netflix)

Catch-22 (streaming exclusively on Hulu)

Manifest destiny.

Rory: He's the soccer of actors.

Lotion Squelches

[browsing IMDb]


Gilbert Gonzalez (Adrian Martinez), feels isolated from the world. He is 39, a virgin, obese and lives with his sarcastic, overprotective mother, who owns the Manhattan brownstone. Fearful of life and people, yet starving for human connection, Gilbert takes photos of women secretly, wherever and whenever he can. Enter Jana, (Dascha Polanco), a tenant in the building and the source of innumerable fantasies. Jana is a contradiction — beautiful but haunted by her own insecurities that inhibit her from standing up to her ex-boyfriend Tony, (Raul Castillo), an Iraq war vet with PTSD. Gilbert dreams of rescuing Jana but doesn't believe she could ever love him, especially if she knew about all the secret photos. This love triangle becomes a battle for human connection which is increasingly difficult in our digital and disconnected world.

What is this synopsis?

Not an Artist

Pappas (A young woman) is accepted into a residency program created by the wealthy enigmatic benefactor "The Abbott" (RZA) for high-potential artists suffering from creative constipation.

What is this cast?

It kills canker sores and useless thoughts

[browsing Roku]

What is WOW Presents Plus?

Is this a gay streaming service?

"The official streamer of all things drag."

Ah so…

World of Wonder is an American production company perhaps best known for its contributions towards LGBTQ programming.

Their most well known production is RuPaul's Drag Race.

In 2018, World of Wonder launched a streaming service called WOW Presents Plus. The service contains a multitude of original series, mostly starring alumni from the Drag Race franchise. [source]

$4.99 a month? That's the same price as Peacock and Paramount+ (which also carries Drag Race), and only a dollar less than Hulu. I know Drag Race is popular, but…

How much could A24 charge for its own streaming service?

World of Wolf: The official streamer of all things procedural.

Finally. A streaming service for gay men.

$9.99 a month?!

I suppose its (and WOW Presents Plus') target audience does have more disposable income, being childless and male.

[googles "gender pay gap"]

Koochee would have to be priced at $8.22.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

40. Am vs. Karre (Star Wars: Visions, S01E03)

Stray Observations

  • "You know what I've been thinking about lately?"
    "When will Jesus come back?"
    "Nah, I ain't never thinking about that."
    "Your name's Apocalypse."
    "Nicknamed after the movie. My dad was in Vietnam."
    "Oh, making a movie? That's dope." (Heels, S01E06)
  • James Harrison saying "this sateen-like shit hurts my fuckin' nipples" (Heels, S01E06)
  • "That would be so cool, to have little kids sucking on your nipples." (Heels, S01E06)
  • "Barstool wants to promote my comeback." (Heels, S01E06)
  • Mick Foley (Heels, S01E06)
  • "That's a lot of ranch."
    "Uh, it's-it's Bobby's."
    "I like ranch." (Heels, S01E06)
  • "Vision out" (Reservation Dogs, S01E08)
  • "I've been seeing this spirit for a while now."
    "You mean, like, dating a spirit?"
    "No, man, I'm not dating no spirit."
    "Oh, fuck. Misunderstood."
    "All right, well, he's a Lakota warrior who died at the battle at Little Bighorn. He didn't kill Custer or, like, literally anybody, because, you know, him and his horse fell in a gopher hole. He always talks about how his nipples are always hard, but that doesn't really matter." (Reservation Dogs, S01E08)
  • ♫: John Angaisk – "Hey, Hey, Hey, Brother" (Reservation Dogs, S01E08)
  • Reservation Dogs Season Grade: C
  • "Call me 355."
    "Okay, cool. Call me Trapezoid." (Y: The Last Man, S01E04)
  • Herman's Head (Only Murders in the Building, S01E06)
  • "I'm a stranger that lied to you a bunch, and you're two randos that dragged me into a podcast."
    "'Rando' is a slang for a person of no significance."
    "I used context clues, but thank you."
    "You're welcome."
    "You could still do the podcast, though. Can learn how to use Twitter. It's not that hard. Don't do TikTok." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E06)
  • "Would you mind coming with me? Or am I too rando?" (Only Murders in the Building, S01E06)
  • Cardboard cutout of Elliot Stabler (Only Murders in the Building, S01E06)
  • "I don't remember how Herman's Head ended, but I suspect it ended with him finally finding the girl. Or the guy. I could never tell with Herman." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E06)
  • "Apparently, people still watch live TV." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E06)
  • "Women who knock rarely make history." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E06)
  • "I want to do this podcast. I have to finish this with you guys."
    "That…is so rando." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E06)
  • "Go restock the Dr. Quinn hats." (American Crime Story, S03E03)
  • "I have to arrange a tour of Andrews Air Force Base for Gerald McRaney."
    "Major Dad, Monica." (American Crime Story, S03E03)
  • "Paula, you got all of them. Even that little Jewish lady." (American Crime Story, S03E03)
  • "This is horseshit, Bob. It's the worst decision in the history of the court."
    "Well, Dred Scott…"
    "Don't talk to me about Dred Scott." (American Crime Story, S03E03)
  • "Are you excited?"
    "To meet Matt Drudge?" (American Crime Story, S03E03)
  • "Also, she's a lesbian."
    "She is not. She used to date Dinesh D'Souza." (American Crime Story, S03E03)
  • "What must it be like to be a grayscale Xerox of me?"
    "I don't see how she could be your Xerox, when, unlike you, she attended an elite law school."
    "Michigan is top ten."
    "See, that's among the saddest sentences I've ever heard." (American Crime Story, S03E03)
  • "You want to…get a Diet Coke?" (American Crime Story, S03E03)
  • "He said he still wanted to be friends and then, uh…Tony Blair called and he gave me a hug and I left and I sobbed on Pennsylvania Avenue." (American Crime Story, S03E03)
  • "'I was a good girl when I was sent to the Pentagon. I waited patiently because I believed I would return to the White House. If that does not happen I'm going to have to explain to my parents why.'" (American Crime Story, S03E03)
  • "Remember, no tears." (American Crime Story, S03E03)
  • "I have to hand this to Gerald McRaney in 20 hours." (American Crime Story, S03E03)
  • "We are not from Pasadena." (American Crime Story, S03E03)
  • "Oh, there you are, all the way down there. So tiny, I almost stood on you. How are you?" (What If…?, S01E07)
  • "Yeah, goats!" (What If…?, S01E07)
  • "Volstagg has crashed!" (What If…?, S01E07)
  • "Loki, you are the absolute best!"
    "You're my brother from another mother, man." (What If…?, S01E07)
  • "Wait, what's that boom? Did you boom?"
    "No, I didn't boom. Did you boom? You always boom."
    "I never boom. I only boom in private." (What If…?, S01E07)
  • "Oh, no, your weird rocks have all fallen over." (What If…?, S01E07)
  • "If I exert my full powers, I blow a crater in this planet. Taking down Kappa Kappa frat freak won't be worth the fatalities."
    "Ooh. What about South Dakota?" (What If…?, S01E07)
  • "Well, look who came waddling back: Mrs. the Duck." (What If…?, S01E07)
  • "Arm the nukes."
    "What? But I thought she was the nuke."
    "Just in case she gets distracted by a cat." (What If…?, S01E07)
  • "Look who's pooping the party now. It is you! You are pooping the party!" (What If…?, S01E07)
  • "Did you know that Midgard is the birthplace of the Snuggie?" (What If…?, S01E07)
  • "With power, you can protect those without it. However, like everything else, it is impermanent." (Star Wars: Visions, S01E07)
  • Star Wars: Visions Season Grade: C
  • "Finally, I was the last one, and it was one spot left. They had to pick me, right?"
    "What the hell? That's a goddamn cactus!"
    "I was devastated. I had to just stand there behind the fence and watch them play, having so much fun. Even worse, that fucking cactus made a big catch."
    "Cactus! Cactus! Cactus!" (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E07)
  • "I mean, I'm digging the port tawny, but I know y'all got the Remy Martin. Every Chinese function has Remy Martin." (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E07)
  • "Anyway, thank you, Doug, for that fully disgusting story that no one asked for."
    "What? You got one better than spicy dick?"
    "A thumb could tell a better story than spicy dick!"
    "At least I was in my stories. Got a couple of R.L. Stines here." (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E07)
  • "Oh, I wish we had some beef bourguignon!"
    "You can eat while watching porn?" (Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens, S02E07)
  • "The gays might stop coming." (American Horror Story, S10E06)
  • "You know, I stopped Burger King from opening in this town. I can stop you too." (American Horror Story, S10E06)
  • "Chicken-shit little bitch." (American Horror Story, S10E06)
  • "Look, I know this sucks, okay? I know you got a raw deal. But you are not monsters. You're a bunch of Laurence Fishburnes. Fishburne turned down Pulp Fiction because his agent told him he'd be working with John Travolta – a has-been. Now, look, you all made a very bad call, but it is not the end of the story. Fishburne went on to beat out Sam Jackson for The Matrix. The moral of the story is that sometimes there are second chances." (American Horror Story, S10E06)
  • "Care for some baby charcuterie?" (American Horror Story, S10E06)
  • "So either you up your offer by a lot, or, if you prefer, you can just suck my dick." (American Horror Story, S10E06)
  • "What's an 'ussy'? U-S-S-Y. Ussy, is that like a selfie with a bunch of people?"
    "Read the sentence."
    "It says, 'I'm going to win the contest, then I'm going to make him lick my ussy real good.' Ussy, what's ussy?"
    "I think that's maybe a typo. They forgot a P." (The Premise, S01E03)
  • "Do you know what the chemist did then?"
    "He put it on his dick."
    "That's exactly what he did. He put it on his dick." (The Premise, S01E03)
  • "Your talent Jesse…your fame, the light music that shines through you."
    "That's my opium dick." (The Premise, S01E03)
  • "These are my yellow books. These are my red books. These are my purple books, my green books and…of course, you know, my blue books. Yeah, I love reading." (The Premise, S01E03)
  • "How did this happen? It's on LeakedMeat!"
    "It is?"
    "Yes! This sucks."
    "I know, I love that site! Now I can't go on without seeing my brother's hole…again?" (The Other Two, S02E09)
  • "Hey, guys. A butthole has recently been brought to my attention. No. Hello. Some of you have seen a lewd photograph of a bottom. It's too formal. Hey, y'all. Okay, obviously not that." (The Other Two, S02E09)
  • "'Skypoint Airlines is homophobic. @CaryDubek, I stand with you and your hole'? No, Busy! Don't stand with my hole." (The Other Two, S02E09)
  • "I'm wearing it in orange, but it also comes in brown and bad yellow." (The Other Two, S02E10)
  • "Justin Bartha doesn't want to lose on camera, so we're gonna have you guys tie." (The Other Two, S02E10)
  • "You looked so beautiful during the dead daughter segment. I'm literally getting hard just thinking about it." (The Other Two, S02E10)
  • "Hey, stick around, 'cause up next, Jeff Probst is here to sing a song off his new rock album, Survive." (The Other Two, S02E10)
  • Practicing nurse callback (The Other Two, S02E10)
  • "Cary, it has been a long, hard road, but you never gave up and it's all gonna finally pay off for you tomorrow, March 13, 2020. Anyway, in Gay News, Laura Dern fell." (The Other Two, S02E10)
  • The Other Two Season Grade: B
  • "Charmaine wanted one, but you can't sell them to women because, it's…"
    "A men's only pillow."
    "Says so on the box." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E05)
  • Ghost Face mask (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E05)
  • "My techniques and my methods might be a bit old-fashioned."
    "May I approach the bitch?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E05)
  • "If I may quote my favorite comedian, Monty Python, 'We better get a bucket.'" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E05)
  • "And he's got an enchanted nutsack as well, apparently." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E05)
  • ♫: Philip Bailey and Phil Collins – "Easy Lover" (Ted Lasso, S02E10)
  • "When I get home, I will set them on fire, and their memory will burn in hell."
    "Jesus, Dani."
    "Jesús has no place in the conversation of these damn shoes." (Ted Lasso, S02E10)
  • "Are you going to charge me for this session?"
    "Of course I am."
    "For the house call."
    "I appreciate your integrity." (Ted Lasso, S02E10)
  • "Sam, you're so kind and loving and…wise. But…"
    "Oh, no. I hate big buts, and I cannot lie." (Ted Lasso, S02E10)
  • "I thought he was black. That's Rick Astley?" (Ted Lasso, S02E10)

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Underground Railroad
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: The Other Two

He crew too, we both crode

Emmys Idea: A show can only win once in its "big five" categories.

So instead of three or four shows winning everything, 2021 might have shaken out more interestingly and inclusively like this:

Outstanding Comedy Series

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
Jason Sudeikis (Ted Lasso)

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
Jean Smart (Hacks)

Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series
Susanna Fogel (The Flight Attendant)

Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series
Meredith Scardino (Girls5eva)

Outstanding Drama Series
The Crown

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
Regé-Jean Page (Bridgerton)

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series
MJ Rodriguez (Pose)

Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series
Jon Favreau (The Mandalorian)

Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series
Misha Green (Lovecraft Country)

Outstanding Limited or Anthology Series
The Queen's Gambit

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited or Anthology Series or Movie
Paul Bettany (WandaVision)

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Limited or Anthology Series or Movie
Kate Winslet (Mare of Easttown)

Outstanding Directing for a Limited or Anthology Series or Movie
Barry Jenkins (The Underground Railroad)

Outstanding Writing for a Limited or Anthology Series or Movie
Michaela Coel (I May Destroy You)

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

39. Social Justice Sex Tape (The Premise, S01E01)

Stray Observations

  • "You're the one who had to have Church's. KFC would have been fine."
    "Well, excuse me for considering my digestion." (Heels, S01E05)
  • ♫: Oscar Lang – "I Feel Good" (Heels, S01E05)
  • "You got a DUI in Manhattan. Do you know how hard that is to do?" (Y: The Last Man, S01E01)
  • "Look, can you just tell her, if I knew you were here, I would have just raided a Gap?" (Y: The Last Man, S01E02)
  • "Um, how many other men have you found?"
    "We found plenty of men. None with a Y chromosome…" (Y: The Last Man, S01E03)
  • "They named you after a dead clown." (Y: The Last Man, S01E03)
  • "Wait, you brought a gun."
    "Well, you always bring a gun to a gunfight." (Reservation Dogs, S01E07)
  • "Was the guy that invented plastic, was that his last name?" (Reservation Dogs, S01E07)
  • "'An innocent girl, a harmless driver, what could possibly go wrong?' That's the tagline from License to Drive."
    "Oh. Okay."
    "The second of the Two Coreys trilogy."
    "Even though they worked together many times after Dream a Little Dream, all their subsequent movies went straight to video." (Reservation Dogs, S01E07)
  • "You fucker!" (Only Murders in the Building, S01E05)
  • "[gasps] Strawberry lube! Oh wait, that gave you a reaction last time."
    "[laughs] Oh, this one."
    "We've got bubblegum lube." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E05)
  • "Rolling deep with cacti today." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E05)
  • "Let me call you back. My cousin just picked up two white boys." (Only Murders in the Building, S01E05)
  • "What flavor do you have there?"
    "Uh, vegan sea salt oil?"
    "Jesus. When did ice cream become a hand lotion?" (Only Murders in the Building, S01E05)
  • "I'm bored. You're boring. That's the problem with you Republicans."
    "You're a Republican!"
    "Mm, I'm a conservative. You're all too nice. What does that get you? It, it gets you Dole."
    "What's wrong with Dole?"
    "Um, he lost? Idiotic American females couldn't wait to reelect their fat boyfriend. (American Crime Story, S03E02)
  • "Paula, I see you've had a makeover. How long have you had the braces?" (American Crime Story, S03E02)

(American Crime Story, S03E02)

  • "Wow. Uh, bold design choice."
    "What? I like anime." (What If…?, S01E06)
  • "Hey. Hey. If we could miniaturize an arc reactor… No, that's a dumb idea." (What If…?, S01E06)
  • "I'm sorry, are you allowed to say that to people in my tax bracket?" (What If…?, S01E06)
  • "Why wear the uniform of your own oppressors? Fight for them? Die for them?"
    "Kid, you've gotta be part of the system to change the system."
    "Nah. You can burn it down." (What If…?, S01E06)
  • "The difference between you and me…is that you can't see the difference between you and me." (What If…?, S01E06)
  • "Power, unearned, can be a very volatile force, cousin. It'll get the best of you, eventually." (What If…?, S01E06)
  • MasterChef Season Grade: D
  • "I am real. Like J. Lo featuring Ja Rule." (Awkwafina Is Nora From Queens, S02E06)
  • "This is the longest I've held something that wasn't a cocktail or a grudge." (American Horror Story, S10E05)
  • "The studio's planning a whole Speed Racer expanded universe." (American Horror Story, S10E05)
  • "Good luck in your universe. Motherfucker!" (American Horror Story, S10E05)
  • "You don't feed off your brother." (American Horror Story, S10E05)
  • "Newborn makes veal taste like horseshit." (American Horror Story, S10E05)
  • "Shouldn't we check the window?"
    "No, we have to go around to the back door."
    "Are you sure?"
    "Yeah, I used to be a freaking methhead. You don't think I know how to break into a goddamn house?" (American Horror Story, S10E05)
  • "Hey, man, I'm sosorry to bug you. Um, we actually haven't had a chance to meet yet, but I'm just a huge fan of your activism. You actually quote-tweeted me once."
    "All right, cool, man…" (The Premise, S01E01)
  • "So Ethan, what led to your decision to masturbate to this sex tape?"
    "I guess I was lonely and I had some work I was avoiding doing so I was procrastibating, I guess."
    "So the woman on the tape identified as Vanessa Delacorte is…um…well, there's really no other way to say this…much more attractive than you?"
    "Objection. Opinion not fact."
    "Overruled. I'll allow it as fact." (The Premise, S01E01)
  • "So Ethan, what led to your decision to masturbate to this sex tape?"
    "I guess I was lonely and I had some work I was avoiding doing so I was procrastibating, I guess." (The Premise, S01E01)
  • ♫: String "Back That Azz Up" (The Premise, S01E01)
  • "I went through more than 10,000 of Mr. Streiber's tweets and I just want to understand the psychology and credibility of that type of individual. This one calls for abolishing the police. This one calls for more law enforcement at a Tame Impala show. 'Never trust the government,' 'never trust the pharmaceutical industry,' and then 'the government is doing an amazing job rolling out the vaccine.' You're an idiot if you don't get it. This one says MJ is the GOAT, this one says LeBron is the GOAT. You can't have two GOATs. And what do you all think of this one? 'Maybe more cops will go to jail if they didn't put the stupidest people in America on juries.'" (The Premise, S01E01)
  • "Everybody is dragging me for not being a perfect person. I've really done everything I can think of to do. I posted that black square, I deleted that black square, I reposted the black square, and then I redeleted the black square." (The Premise, S01E01)
  • "The justice system wants to fuck people like Darren. And the social justice system wants to fuck people like me." (The Premise, S01E01)
  • "She's kind of cute."
    "Yeah, 'kind of' is generous."
    "What about her?"
    "What a ten world, no sevens." (The Premise, S01E02)
  • "I followed her for, like, a week. That's longer than I followed Jameela Jamil." (The Other Two, S02E07)
  • "See, the reason I still follow her is because her boyfriend is hot, and he doesn't have his own account—or, you know he does, but he's straight, so it's all photography." (The Other Two, S02E07)
  • "God, ever since mom posted that Deadline article, everybody thinks Night Nurse is still happening."
    "Which is great. You get all the credit for being in a movie without having to actually film it. Like Angelina Jolie and all those Maleficent movies."
    "Yeah, there's no way those were real, right?"
    "No. They are 100% just posters." (The Other Two, S02E08)
  • "Of course Dean's straight! But you're not gonna say a word because we need him at events like this. You think Gus Kenworthy is coming to this shit if it's just Billie Jean King? No. Plus, if he leaves, who do we flirt with?"
    "Um, all the other gay people?"
    "Ew." (The Other Two, S02E08)
  • "And the whole heist ends up with everyone at the Brooklyn Bridge."
    "Is that meaningful? Have we ever been there together as a squad?"
    "Uh, yeah."
    [title sequence] (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E09)
  • "It's a trip down memory lane."
    "Not a problem. I have the memory of a—the thing with the big nose and ears."
    "Prince Charles." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E09)
  • "For the record, I'm not a cannibal anymore. My new passion is needlepoint embroidery. Look at these. Two parrots in love. A turtle with a monocle and a top hat." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E09)
  • "Okay, you got me. I was gonna eat you. That's still my thing. It's even affected my needlepoint. Look at this. Liver. A heart. Butt. An arm. Mmm." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E09)
  • Cannibal needlepoint (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E09)
  • "Yeah, I got to stop trying to recapture the magic of the original and move on. Anyways, back to the eighth annual heist." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E09)
  • "I got it off Ukrainian Etsy. They sell arts and crafts and tactical gear." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E09)
  • "Hey, Bill. Rough year?"
    "Yeah, the pandemic was really hard on my industry."
    "Which is?"
    "Nursing home seductions." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E09)
  • "That's what you get for being a nerd who wears seatbelts. Cool people die gruesome, preventable deaths." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E09)
  • "I come over and we watch sports. We are obsessed with college swimming." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E10)
  • "A six-month subscription to the Rosetta Stone?"
    "That's my present for Peralta."
    "Your present to me is school?" (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E10)
  • Cheers finale (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S08E10)
  • Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season Grade: C
  • "Have you got a little secret, you little sick fuck?"
    "Yeah, come on, you stinky bitch. The library is open." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E04)
  • "I am playing a game called The Big Bang Theory game. So hypnotic. Really has me in its grips. Two Leonards and a Raj. I need three Rajs!" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E04)
  • "'Bazinga' is the war cry of Sheldon, their tall leader." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E04)
  • Colin getting got caught up in the hotel information channel (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E04)
  • "Bat! Ugh, a fucking sparrow. The lamest of all birds." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E04)
  • "This Big Bang Theory. is really very good. Very faithful to the slot machine." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E04)
  • "Laszlo can be a real Leonard sometimes, can't he?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E04)
  • "Look at that. You got a couple Koothrappalis, a Hofstadter, and four Wolowitzes. Oh, and Penny. Not bad." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E04)
  • Discworld (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E04)
  • "But now, thanks to modern science, Nandor understands that we're all just temporary aggregations of dust and fluid camping out on a big rock that's just one of an infinite number of equally unspecial big rocks that make up part of this vast and uncaring universe." (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E04)
  • "This is science."
    "But this is a turtle!" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E04)
  • [escalator]
    "Uh, how does it…?"
    "You have to step on it."
    "I'm on. I'm on!"
    "What is happening? Am I flying?"
    "Just hold on to this."
    "Possessed by witches!" (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E04)
  • Empty polaroids (What We Do in the Shadows, S03E04)
  • "Shut up, Thierry Henry." (Ted Lasso, S02E09)
  • "In all my happiest memories, I'm single. That troubles me." (Ted Lasso, S02E09)
  • Coach Beard dancing to ♫: Martin Solveig and Dragonette – "Hello" (Ted Lasso, S02E08)
  • ♫: Blur – "The Universal" (Ted Lasso, S02E08)
  • "Lee Byung-hun's in it." (Squid Game, S01E06)

(Squid Game, S01E09)

  • Squid Game Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Underground Railroad
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Girls5eva