Human Capital Stock

// Los Angeles to San Francisco

I see a sheriff's car entering the roadway and slow down. It moves behind me and flashes its lights.

Really? Goddammit.

Sheriff: Do you know how fast you were driving?
Jon: No…?

I did.

Sheriff: No?! 90 in a 65.

But everyone drives 90+ on this stretch of I-5…

Sheriff: I smell weed.
Jon: What?
Sheriff: Show me your weed.
Jon: Uhh… There is no weed in this car.

And if there was, it would be gummy and ursine.

Sheriff: Do I need to bring the dog out?

You're driving around with a weed-sni—

Jon: The dog won't find anything.

The sheriff calls his partner over.

Sheriff: I smell weed faintly. Do you smell it?
Jon: Oh, you know what? You may be smelling my air freshener. It's…sage and citrus. I didn't buy it. Someone bought it for me.

Sheriff: Can I see your vehicle registration and insurance?

I hand the sheriff my registration and insurance cards.

Sheriff: These are both expired.
Jon: What?

Shit, I didn't switch out the insurance card in my wallet.

Fuck, did I renew my registration?

Guh, how many points is this now?

Sheriff: I'm excusing your lapsed registration because DMVs have been closed. Your court appearance will be in Lamont.

Pfff! I ain't driving out to Kern County to contest a speeding ticket.

What if I received a speeding ticket while driving out to contest a speeding ticket?

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

21. Zoom Goldberg (Mythic Quest: Quarantine, S01E10)

Stray Observations

  • Alice in Wonderland (Mrs. America, S01E08)
  • Jo and C.W. videoconference (Mythic Quest: Quarantine, S01E10)

Stray Observations

  • The Last Dance Season Grade: C
  • "Pretty Girl County ain't shit." (Insecure, S04E06)
  • "Girl, we drunk. Everything is exciting." (Insecure, S04E06)
  • "Well, if you like hood niggas, you gotta go below the 10. But if you like artsy niggas, you can go to Los Feliz or Silver Lake. And if you like rich niggas, you gotta go to Ladera. If you like earthy niggas, you can go to Leimert Park. If you like your niggas with a little zest, you can go to West Hollywood. Ooh, if you like married niggas, you can go to Pasadena. Or Altadena. Really any of the Denas." (Insecure, S04E06)
  • ♫: Megan Thee Stallion – "Hood Rat Shit" (Insecure, S04E06)
  • "I need a bathroom."
    "Just go in the fuckin' woods!"
    "No, I need a proper bathroom."
    "I don't care. This is a small town, Ruby, people will see you."
    "Well, I don't care who sees me! I'm innocent, and I have my period!" (Run, S01E06)
  • "Great to nearly hear you again." (Run, S01E06)
  • ♫: Suzi Quatro – "Born to Run" (Run, S01E06)
  • "Stugots!" (Rick and Morty, S04E08)
  • "It's a good idea, Rick! A device that lets you—"
    "Save your place like in a video game but in real life so that you can try stuff and then go back to your save point—yes, Morty, I saw it on Futurama." (Rick and Morty, S04E08)
  • "Oh shit! Suicide by cop! I love these!" (Rick and Morty, S04E08)
  • "I don't respect time travel. If Ant-Man and the Wasp can do it, I'm not interested." (Rick and Morty, S04E08)
  • "That's right, you little bitch! It's The Prestige! You Prestige'd yourself!" (Rick and Morty, S04E08)
  • "Moscow Morty" (Rick and Morty, S04E08)
  • "I mean, if you're doubting if that's really acid and not just Jacuzzi-heated Mountain Dew…" (Rick and Morty, S04E08)
  • "In case of ladle" (Rick and Morty, S04E08)

(Mrs. America, S01E08)

  • "I really am very hungry."
    "They're still serving food at the gay lounge." (Mrs. America, S01E08)
  • "We mean no harm. We're just walking in your shit pipe." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
  • "'Shanghai sucked. Where was the Chinatown?' 'Jason Mraz is just too weird for me.' 'Jesus actually hates horses.' 'Childhood obesity? LMFO.' 'Women are getting too tall.'" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
  • "I don't know how to play the piano, so I use a Zune." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
  • "He just told people that I live in my mother's basement. 'Actually, I live in my own basement, dumbass.'" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
  • "What is it?"
    "This thief."
    "Thief? Chop his hands off. Don't embarrass him." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
  • "I smell the death on you."
    "Oh, that's just my body spray. It's Axe." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
  • "'If my dick is a pencil, then why am I using a keyboard to write?'" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
  • "Guillermo, why is there all this dust on the floor in the shape of a body? Were you trying to make a girlfriend out of dust?" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
  • Nadja echolocating (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
  • "You remember my crew, don't you? […] Ken, the zombie of my former accountant. Some of our newer members: Neil, Patrick, and Harris. And Elvis."
    "Elvis, you traitor." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
  • "Sorry, Fred Mercury, but I am the champion." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
  • ♫: Ofege – "It's Not Easy" (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E07)
  • "She's nothing but a polyp up my bunghole. Irritating? Sure. Uncomfortable? Absolutely. Horrifying to sexual partners and oftentimes a deal breaker? Definitely. But nothing that a doctor-prescribed cream can't take care of."
    "That is…a lot of specific knowledge about anal polyps." (Harley Quinn, S02E08)
  • "Señorita, can we get four mimosas and an order of your mashed avocado?" (Harley Quinn, S02E08)
  • "How would one even procure a Mother's Box?" (Harley Quinn, S02E08)
  • "I promised myself I'd never kill an old person. I'd let the American healthcare system do that." (Harley Quinn, S02E08)
  • "If saving Gotham means I have to gun down another lady clown, then so be it." (Harley Quinn, S02E08)
  • "My God! Gaping sphincter in the sky." (Harley Quinn, S02E08)
  • ♫: Aska Matsumiya – "Vibez" (Betty, S01E04)
  • "I feel like you're a cashed-up bogan."
    "A cashed-up bogan? David, Poppy is being mean in Australian." (Mythic Quest: Quarantine, S01E10)
  • "Everybody Hurts" (Mythic Quest: Quarantine, S01E10)
  • "I gotta babysit y'all and homeschool my own kids at the same time? Carol can't. Did you know they changed math? They just up and changed how you do math." (Mythic Quest: Quarantine, S01E10)
  • "No, 'fewer' modifies plural nouns. 'Less' modifies singular. You can't have less female candidates. You can have fewer, and you should."
    "That's pretty good. You know what? I like her. She should talk more. You should talk fewer. See how stupid that sounds?"
    "If you want this to be really cool, we're gonna need more people. Preferably men." (Mythic Quest: Quarantine, S01E10)
  • "Last night was all right? As you'd imagined?"
    "To be honest, it was brief."
    "Brief is often a relief." (The Great, S01E01)
  • "Take the empress to the other ladies and speak of hats." (The Great, S01E01)
  • "Women are for seeding, not reading." (The Great, S01E01)
  • "'Man will never be free until the last king has been strangled with the entrails of the last priest.'" (The Great, S01E01)
  • "It's moose lips mousse. Is it not divine?" (The Great, S01E01)
  • "I'm lonely for family, friends, fun, ideas, strawberries."
    "And I need my cock sucked." (The Great, S01E01)
  • "Married to an idiot. This has never happened to a woman before." (The Great, S01E01)
  • "Ever since I was a child, I felt like greatness was in store for me. A great life, I felt. Like God himself had spat me forth to land on this Earth and in some way transform it. That I was here for a reason, a purpose."
    "Why did He make you a woman then?" (The Great, S01E01)
  • "Hmm. Toosh."
    "Do you mean touché?" (The Great, S01E02)
  • "Are you apologizing to me?"
    "I'm looking forward, not dwelling. It is hell to dwell. It is a saying I just made up." (The Great, S01E02)
  • "Bring in those Swedish heads. We will eat dessert under their beady gaze."
    "Would you like mine? It matches your hair." (The Great, S01E02)
  • "I promised myself a great love. That didn't work out. Then I realized…it is a great life that I want." (The Great, S01E02)
  • "The blini must be lighter, with a hint, a fucking hint, of rosemary, not a fucking ballbag of it." (The Great, S01E03)
  • "Peter the Fun." (The Great, S01E03)
  • "Empress, I will unprise my member." (The Great, S01E03)
  • "How was your evening?"
    "Avoided rape. You?"
    "Same. If anyone ever invents something easier than buttons, we are all in trouble." (The Great, S01E03)
  • "Do it well or I will cut your perfect cock off." (The Great, S01E03)
  • "It's a nice old guy, the patriarch. He was very close with my mother."
    "Should I suck your cock?"
    "Sometimes you like that when you talk of your mother."
    "Not now. A kind thought, though. Thanks." (The Great, S01E04)
  • "Have you ever fucked a horse?"
    "A what? No."
    "Well, I assumed not, but it never hurts to ask." (The Great, S01E04)
  • "Oh. I've not been in here since your father had an orgy one night and a man put a carrot in my asshole." (The Great, S01E04)
  • "A man should be friends with his wife's lover. My father taught me it is the only way things go well and do not end in bloodshed. Grigor, do you agree?"
    "See, Grigor and I love each other. This morning, I ate a fig out of his wife's pussy, and here we are."
    "It is a bond unbreakable." (The Great, S01E04)
  • "You were a pleasure I decided to take to slake my curiosity." (The Great, S01E04)
  • "I don't like eating moose lips, but everyone's always going on about them." (The Great, S01E04)
  • "To cry is very Russian." (The Great, S01E04)
  • "I will pull out your tongue and eat it with a nice salsa verde if it moves again." (The Great, S01E04)
  • [sic] Macaroon giving (The Great, S01E05)
  • "Not enough dead Swedes, so we're dressing our dead in their uniforms, so as to make a victorious pile." (The Great, S01E05)
  • "Oh, Grigor. Try this black bread with moose lips. Makes my cock hard. Which, considering your wife, is a feat." (The Great, S01E05)
  • "The fear is that it may be cholera."
    "Which I suspect he will have caught from a possessed, nocturnal animal. Probably a badger."
    "Where would he have come across a possessed badger?" (The Great, S01E05)

(The Great, S01E05)

  • "He must avoid all blue food." (The Great, S01E05)
  • "I have regrets. Things I wish I'd done. I wanted to rename July after myself. Call it 'Peter.'"
    "It's a wonderful idea." (The Great, S01E05)
  • "Putting your cock in Madam Dymov does not get Catherine pregnant. Although, how fabulous if it did. By doing it to someone, you could get someone else pregnant, or fellate one man and have another feel it." (The Great, S01E06)
  • "Go seed your wife." (The Great, S01E06)
  • Lemon tops (The Great, S01E06)
  • "I mean, why make fruit that looks like pussy if He does not wish us to eat pussy and have fun?" (The Great, S01E06)
  • "They are the future."
    "Why do people say that? As if the future is, by its nature, better than the past, or a progression, rather than a setback." (The Great, S01E06)
  • "I feel like an agave muffin." (The Great, S01E06)
  • Sex with Peter's mother's skeleton (The Great, S01E06)
  • "I once walked in on you when I was young, having peacock feathers inserted into your arsehole by Lady Svenska."
    "Good luck with the Emperor. I hope it's not un‐pheasant. Oh, come on. That was a good one." (The Great, S01E07)
  • "Peter has shown you my special tongue trick. I remember the first time it was used on me. I was 14, and my math tutor was endeavoring to teach me simple addition. It left me feeling truly wonderful. And with a great respect for the number 33." (The Great, S01E07)
  • "Where one's heart lies, and who blows their lump are two very different things." (The Great, S01E07)
  • "You are a tray of old food he has left outside his room."
    "A wig that has lost its shape and been replaced."
    "And you are fucking bitches."
    "Witty. I will put that in my new book of witty sayings." (The Great, S01E07)
  • "There's an outbreak of smallpox in the servants' quarters."
    "Don't fret, dear wife. We will quarantine them, and burn them so the disease is destroyed."
    "They do not all die."
    "They do, usually. It's a big fire." (The Great, S01E07)
  • "Just tell me any change."
    "My heart is broken."
    "I meant fever, or rash." (The Great, S01E07)
  • ♫: Sharon Van Etten – "[What's So Funny 'Bout] Peace, Love and Understanding? [feat. Josh Homme]" (The Great, S01E07)

The New AR™TV World Drama Champion: The Great
Still the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: What We Do in the Shadows

Girls just want to have blood

Thinking about how Cineplex, already saddled with debt, now has a bunch of unusable playground equipment.

Idea: A tongue-in-cheek awards show necrology for collateral damage of COVID-19.

♫: Wiz Khalifa – "See You Again (feat. Charlie Puth)" ♫

"In Memoriam"

• Cheap Uber Pool rides
• Plastic bag bans
• Tableside guacamole
• Absentee Halloween candy bowls
• Airport spas
• Arcade rhythm games
• Asking for a cup for water and filling it with soda
• Begrudgingly letting someone else work in at the gym
• Blowing out birthday candles
• "Cash only"
• Complimentary valet parking
• Craps tables
• Destination honeymoons
• Establishing shots of Shibuya Crossing
• Haunted houses with bowls of cold spaghetti, Jell-O, and peeled grapes
• Kissing booths
• Little free libraries
• Miami's turnover chain
• Octogenarian immigrants picking through trash for recyclables
• Passing the dutchie
• Pretending to write a screenplay in public
Price Is Right contestants coming on down
• Sizzler's salad bar
• Suffering through opening acts at a concert to ensure a good spot for the headliner
• Supermen and Jack Sparrows who pose for photos with tourists
• Sushi boats
• The sweet, savoury aroma of a bacon-wrapped hot dog sold on the street by an unlicensed vendor
• Taking prom photos at IKEA
• Tech company shuttle buses in the carpool lane
• That container full of plastic chopsticks on every table at a pho restaurant
• The tiny house revolution
• Tough Mudder as a personality
• Videos of Black Friday stampedes
• Waiting room subscriptions to Highlights
• Human centipedes

Pasqually's Pizza

Four Kings is half hour scripted show about four best friends who live in the penthouse of the Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas.

Three of them are world class poker players and the fourth is a bookie who makes the line on absolutely everything.

Together they travel the world in search of the highest stakes games with the most colorful of characters.

With a loyalty and integrity level that is rarely seen, these four best friends stick together and watch each other's backs through everything that comes their way in their search for becoming world champions.

Without a COVID-19 vaccine, Four Kings is a period piece.

Set in a post-COVID-19, pre-vaccine world, however, it could be a perverse Entourage.

Oh yeah!!

Foreign countries tracking their self-isolation for 14 days after arrival – oh yeah!!

And Jeremy Piven.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

20. AJ Styles and Daniel Bryan brawl in Vince McMahon's actual office (WWE Money in the Bank, 10 May 20)

Stray Observations

  • "That bitch did not come to my celebration dinner. I pre-ordered a seafood tower for four."
    "That is a lot of mercury for three people." (Insecure, S04E05)
  • "That's a ban on the Badu." (Insecure, S04E05)
  • "Niggas always steppin' and repeatin.'" (Insecure, S04E05)
  • "I'm sorry it hasn't popped off yet. So many white people showed up, but I have faith in us." (Insecure, S04E05)
  • Aminé (Insecure, S04E05)
  • "What part of England are you from again?"
    "I am from Poppycock. It's in south central London, just a biscuit's toss and a fanny away from Benny Hill." (Insecure, S04E05)
  • "Look at you, out here tap dancing for the whites."
    "No, they're supposed to be here. They're sponsors."
    "I'm talkin' about her."
    [tap dancer on stage] (Insecure, S04E05)
  • "Wait, she keeps crying? What have you tried? Yeah, yeah, sometimes she just don't fuck with Peppa Pig." (Insecure, S04E05)
  • "Yes, come through, blacks." (Insecure, S04E05)
  • "Don't let somebody else's boices jeopardize your baracter." (Insecure, S04E05)
  • "Lesbian bouple moved in." (Insecure, S04E05)
  • "Nigga, you stay needing one little-ass favor." (Insecure, S04E05)
  • "Niggas can't have nothin'!" (Insecure, S04E05)
  • ♫: SiR – "You Can't Save Me" (Insecure, S04E05)
  • "I know she's got fucking kids, Fiona."
    "You knew?"
    "That's why I couldn't sleep with you on the train."
    "Why? 'Cause you thought that I would have a flappy vagina?" (Run, S01E05)
  • Phoebe Waller-Bridge's American accent (Run, S01E05)
  • "Who makes a Pornhub account?"
    "The algorithm learns your preferences better that way. Plus, if you get in kind of a cool enough relationship, you can sort of follow each other and check out each other's kinks, you know?" (Rick and Morty, S04E07)
  • "Congratulations on making it into print media. Real bright future there." (Rick and Morty, S04E07)
  • "Rick, I've watched enough Pornhub to know what a studio apartment looks like." (Rick and Morty, S04E07)
  • World Trade Center (Rick and Morty, S04E07)
  • "So you did a 9/11?"
    "Almost did a 9/11. We went with a Pearl Harbor." (Rick and Morty, S04E07)
  • "Sorry, Morty, we tried pussin' it. Time to go in hot." (Rick and Morty, S04E07)
  • "Let's lick tits." (Rick and Morty, S04E07)
  • "Morty, stop talking to your sister about jerking off. Everyone pretend podcasting isn't boring." (Rick and Morty, S04E07)
  • "Do you suffer from Alzheimer's? Do you suffer from Alzheimer's? Do you suffer from Alzheimer's?" (Rick and Morty, S04E07)

He's judging Restaurant Wars in Canada too? (Top Chef Canada, S08E05)

  • "And we have to get pro-family bakers, or we'll be stuck with a bunch of liberal recipes in our cookbook and force-fed ERA brownies, abortion cookies, and lesbian pies 'til kingdom come." (Mrs. America, S01E07)
  • "I am not a pirate." (Mrs. America, S01E07)
  • "I'm sick of shrinking our dreams to appeal to the middle." (Mrs. America, S01E07)
  • "You need to understand that to love completely requires learning to hate properly." (Mrs. America, S01E07)
  • "Very masculine. That's right. Scare him with your circles." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E06)
  • "I had agreed to meet the Devil at an intersection of roadways, where we'd do a deal where I would become a much better guitarist." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E06)
  • "You can do some impersonations."
    "[imitating Borat] My wife!"
    "There you go. Henry VIII." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E06)
  • Pool cue lightsabers (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E06)
  • "Since then, I've found out there's an indie band also called Jackie Daytona operating in Texas. I listened to their music, and I'm pretty confident there's no conflict. And I have to say this, 'cause someone called 'Mark from Clearance' told me to." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E06)
  • Whiskey and mayonnaise (Harley Quinn, S02E07)
  • Harley and Poison Ivy kiss (Harley Quinn, S02E07)
  • Shark Tank Season Grade: C
  • "Maybe we can just crush up some oregano and, like, put it in the oil and then just inject it back into the cartridges, like, make it stretch over a few pens."
    "No, that's not gonna work. Oregano's got, like, a seriously distinct flavor. You think people are trying to smoke pizza?" (Betty, S01E03)
  • "Karl does twisted shit like that, man. He's like the fucking booger man." (Betty, S01E03)
  • Written by Moshe Kasher? (Betty, S01E03)
  • ♫: Mogwai – "Sine Wave" (ZeroZeroZero, S01E02)
  • ZeroZeroZero Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Watchmen
The New AR™TV World Comedy Champion: What We Do in the Shadows

Sexy Kirby with tall legs

We don't talk enough about Alex Rodriguez's CNBC show in which he "mentors celebrities who have fallen on hard times and need help getting back on their feet."

Something else we don't talk enough about:

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

19. ♫: The Weeknd – "I'm a Virgin" (American Dad, S17E02)

Honourable Mention

  • Dreams (Saturday Night Live, S45E18)

Stray Observations

  • "Conservative incumbent Jesse Helms won a fourth term, defeating liberal black Harvey Gantt." (The Last Dance, S01E05)
  • "Free will does exist, Caleb. It's just fucking hard." (Westworld, S03E08)
  • "It took money to build this world, Caleb. It'll take money to tear it down." (Westworld, S03E08)
  • "I'm surprised you were so easily seduced, but then again, you are a man." (Westworld, S03E08)
  • "I am done worshipping other people's gods." (Westworld, S03E08)
  • Westworld Season Grade: D
  • "You going to the swimming pool, guys?"
    "No, I'm going to Hooters. Watch some tits and ass." (The Last Dance, S01E06)
  • "I think he only dates Abigails."
    "No, why? He's at a firm with negroes. There is no way."
    "Think about it, y'all. He went to Princeton undergrad, he plays guitar…"
    "Oh, my god. He's been here two weeks and ordered six salads. He loves salad." (Insecure, S04E04)
  • "God bless them, but never marry a teacher. How are you miserable and you get summers off?" (Insecure, S04E04)
  • "Damn, Jada. I see you out here Red Table talking."
    "[laughter] I'm Willow!" (Insecure, S04E04)
  • "Your grandma taunts you by text in the middle of the night?"
    "That's new."
    "She's been a nightmare since the new tariff." (Run, S01E04)
  • Lady Yoda (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
  • "Jesus! The 'tickets, please' guy is cut! He's got those things. What do you call them? Um, cum gutters." (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
  • "You okay, dad?"
    "Is this real?"
    "I doubt it, but you get what you get when you eat dinner in an arcade." (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
  • "Morty, do you know what the Bechdel Test is?"
    "The what?"
    "For God's sake, Morty, the formula for measuring female agency in a story proposed by lesbian cartoonist Allison—what the hell are they teaching you in that school?!"
    "Why is lesbian part of her job title?!"
    "Oh, now you're progressive?!" (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
  • "Your special time is your power. It makes you strong like a boob." (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
  • "Fight them with your heavy special time." (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
  • "You are, like, 90% cum gutter." (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
  • VeggieTales (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
  • "He gets to spend eternity in every writer's hell: the Bible." (Rick and Morty, S04E06)
  • Black-ish Season Grade: C
  • "Well, isn't that something? You wanna join Women Who Want to be Women."
    "That…that's the name of your organization?"
    "WWWW for short."
    "Is that shorter?" (Mrs. America, S01E06)
  • "Billy likes to say that we educate men and women through college to be precisely equal, but then the men go off to do interesting things." (Mrs. America, S01E06)
  • "You wanna get ahead climbing on the shoulders of men, Phyllis, fine. Just know they're looking right up your skirt." (Mrs. America, S01E06)
  • "I just wish you'd said, 'She's not outspoken. She's the normal amount of spoken. She speaks about as much as any man.'" (Mrs. America, S01E06)
  • "We're all secretaries to them." (Mrs. America, S01E06)
  • "Under President Ford, America is on a steady course. Keep him."
    "'Keep him'? That's the best they could do?" (Mrs. America, S01E06)
  • "We're all secretaries to them." (Mrs. America, S01E06)
  • "So, we have decided to rotate our artworks. This was part of a bigger thing called 'The Guernica.' I just cut off the bit that has got me in it." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E05)
  • "Recognize this? It's my vulva." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E05)
  • "He's a wild card, that one."
    "What are you talking about? He's not a wild card. He's the card you get on the top of the deck that has the instructions on it, so you throw it away." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E05)
  • "He's in death mode so as to preserve energy." (What We Do in the Shadows, S02E05)
  • "I knew a vegetarian once. She die." (Betty, S01E02)
  • ♫: Basement Jaxx – "Magnificent Romeo" (Betty, S01E02)
  • "You read The Alchemist, right?" (Betty, S01E02)
  • "Gretchen‐Darth Mall" (Solar Opposites, S01E01)
  • "Schwifty live jazz" (Solar Opposites, S01E01)
  • "I don't even know what's real anymore. Is Friends real?" (Solar Opposites, S01E01)
  • "Look at this place. It's Trim City!" (Solar Opposites, S01E01)
  • "Put your sin in me."
    "His catchphrases need work."
    "Y'all ready for bisque?" (Solar Opposites, S01E01)
  • "Did you dump Diet Coke in her exposed brain?" (Solar Opposites, S01E01)
  • Nintendo Switch (Solar Opposites, S01E02)
  • "It worked. We have pee data on everyone in the neighborhood!" (Solar Opposites, S01E02)
  • "And now, back to Solar Opposites. Unless you spring for expensive Hulu, then there was no commercial break and this doesn't make a whole lot of sense and is probably quite jarring." (Solar Opposites, S01E02)
  • "Old people only drink Coke and they never shower." (Solar Opposites, S01E02)
  • "This is just like the movie Green Room!" (Solar Opposites, S01E02)
  • "Do you really want to elect a man who's been inside your balls?" (Solar Opposites, S01E02)
  • "Did they make a True Lies 2?" (Solar Opposites, S01E02)
  • "The only good ceremony involving children is the Jewish one where they cut off the penis." (Solar Opposites, S01E03)
  • "This is just like the time when I married Ansel Elgort." (Solar Opposites, S01E03)
  • "I wanted to be on Kimmel." (Solar Opposites, S01E03)
  • Penn and Teller (Solar Opposites, S01E03)
  • "I'm as famous as a magician can get. Think the third Hemsworth brother." (Solar Opposites, S01E03)
  • "Girls of the Pac-10!" (Solar Opposites, S01E03)
  • "Benihana, bitch." (Solar Opposites, S01E03)
  • "I Now You See Me'd you!" (Solar Opposites, S01E03)
  • "My plan is to just slip into the seat, do nothing, then eventually, it'll seem normal that I'm there. It worked for Hulu." (Solar Opposites, S01E04)
  • "Aiden, Braden, Jaeden, Mark." (Solar Opposites, S01E04)
  • "He's filling up our DVR with Madam Secretary." (Solar Opposites, S01E04)
  • "This town has a real problem with unexplained high-concept injuries." (Solar Opposites, S01E04)

(Solar Opposites, S01E04)

  • "Brace yourself. I saw this on Starz." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
  • "Hey, can you please trap Jesse in the hell dimension? She sucks ass."
    "No. That dimension is for work enemies and Ansel Elgort only." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
  • "An intense psychological mind game, not unlike the Academy Award‐winning film Suicide Squad." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
  • "I don't mean to live más right now, but instead of thinking outside the box, maybe they should be thinking outside the [vomits]." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
  • "2Pac is like oxygen because we need him to live, while Sisqó is more like plutonium because he was kinda just a one‐hit wonder that we've forgotten about." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
  • Molecular biology textbook dumb-ray'd into the Bible (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
  • Gronk jersey (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
  • "Fuck you, spider." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
  • "Whoa, Terry, let's watch all the Resident Evils." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
  • "After this, let's do reverse cowgirl in the theatre. Then we're ass‐eating in the chem lab."
    "But I'm wearing open‐toed sandals." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
  • "We caught the teachers eating each other's asses, so they gave us A's in all our classes." (Solar Opposites, S01E05)
  • "Think about it. Tig. Old. Bitties."
    "I‐I definitely understand. It's announcing that the bitties are aged."
    "Oh, my favorite bitties are tig." (Solar Opposites, S01E06)
  • "I just need to find a glass ceiling and shatter the crap out of it. Otherwise, Jill Soloway made I Love Dick for nothing." (Solar Opposites, S01E06)
  • "Everyone on the internet is always fighting about who can be president or who can bust ghosts." (Solar Opposites, S01E06)
  • "Dig old bicks" (Solar Opposites, S01E06)
  • "Ah, football is amazing. Apparently, we can watch jets battle the color brown."
    "This is a color brown house. We are color brown fans under this roof." (Solar Opposites, S01E06)

(Solar Opposites, S01E06)

  • "Chads, we got a girl on the team!" (Solar Opposites, S01E06)
  • "I'm the first woman to mansplain jazz. It's, like, all about syncopation." (Solar Opposites, S01E06)
  • "You know what I do when I'm out of ideas? Cocaine. And then I get, like, a million ideas at once." (Solar Opposites, S01E06)
  • "Don't worry, you won't be bored. I made you a cuck‐bot for company. I didn't try to make him look like Ted Cruz. It just happens with these things." (Solar Opposites, S01E06)
  • Kramer (Solar Opposites, S01E07)
  • "Let us reflect on all the bowed one's kind words and wondrous deeds: The time she gave us beef jerky."
    "All thanks to Jesse."
    "The day she changed Yumyulack's phone alarm to not be Maroon 5." (Solar Opposites, S01E07)
  • "I guess I'll have to force Jesse to like me with Craig T. and Nelson." (Solar Opposites, S01E08)
  • "Oh, god, I made love to a lot of equations in here."
    "Oh, you fucked math?" (Solar Opposites, S01E08)
  • "Hey, man, I can't live with a dude this basic. I bet he has a true crime podcast. Like, he does one. Listening, cool. Doing one, yee‐hee…" (Solar Opposites, S01E08)
  • "I thought you said frozen yogurt was ice cream for narcs." (Solar Opposites, S01E08)
  • "You turned him into a Game Boy cartridge."
    "Just forget what you saw here, sir."
    I can't! It's so specific!" (Solar Opposites, S01E08)
  • "I mean, how are we sure that we're not in a The Matrix or a Matrix Reloaded?"
    "Because there would be green numbers floating around and leather sunglasses."
    "Well, it's gotta be something. Okay, and I can figure this out. I mean, we could be in an eXistenZ‐type sitch."
    "Stop it! Last week, you thought we were in an eXistenZ because the drive‐through gave us an extra order of fries. We can't be in an eXistenZ every time you're freaking out."
    "We've gotta be in some fucked up Strange Days Altered States Lawnmower Man Horton Hears a Who thing."
    "Maybe we're in a Tron."
    "Don't egg him on. This isn't a Tron." (Solar Opposites, S01E08)
  • Solar Opposites Season Grade: C

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Watchmen
Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Dave

Dr. Reason Machete

The hot new literary mag on the scene is Taco Bell Quarterly, a magazine in which every single piece of writing is inspired by Taco Bell.

Unaffiliated with Taco Bell itself, Taco Bell Quarterly is perhaps the only place where writers can publish poetry about Taco Bell's discontinued dessert menu, essays on the Crunchwrap Supreme and queer politics, and short stories about a skeleton cop who wants a spicy bean burrito. [source]

So first world it hurts.