Stay Fucking Hard

// Las Vegas, NV

[browsing restaurant menus]

Steak tartare quesadilla?

Is it filled with raw meat, like fried ice cream?

No, it's raw meat on a bed of cheese.

I book a table to try this steak tartare quesadilla.

Server: Uh… Have you ever had our steak tartare?
Jon: Years ago, and not on a quesadilla.
Server: Okay…

Our server begins walking away and then U-turns.

Server: I'm sorry. I can't let you order the steak tartare quesadilla. It's disgusting. It'll make you sick. We're taking it off the menu.

It pains me to heed her advice.

Ty: We can make it at home.
Jon: Home-made steak tartare?
Ty: Order steak tartare to go from somewhere. Spread it on a quesadilla. Bone apple tea. It's not like that fancy carpaccio I tried. Probably cheaper than $32 too.

That fancy carpaccio.

Ty: Steak tartare quesadilla challenge.

Jon: Steak tartare Crunchwrap Supreme?
Jon: No, steak tartare Mexican Pizza! Raw beef on a bed of ground beef.

Ty: Panera Charged Ceviche.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

20. The Tipping Point (The Simpsons, S35E17)

Stray Observations

  • "What will you do, child? Slay me with the Fourth of July?" (X-Men '97, S01E10)
  • </X-Men '97, S01>
  • "I guess you're forgetting I was on the track team."
    "Oh. I know you a runner."
    "That's a Chicago term for a hо."
    "I didn't know that."
    "Yeah. Ebonics, or AAVE, it changes from state to state." (Abbott Elementary, S03E13)
  • "Did you take it to HR? 'Cause when I used to date the other cashier at Cold Stone Creamery, policy stated if we didn't report it, they wouldn't like it or love it. In fact, they gotta have it reported to HR." (Abbott Elementary, S03E13)
  • </Jerrod Carmichael Reality Show, S01>
  • </Outer Range, S02>

America gone learn tonight

// Las Vegas, NV

Post-COVID-19, fewer business here are open 24 hours, and among them are…select off-Strip Tropical Smoothie Cafes?

And not, like, a 24-hour drive-through.

I walked into one located in a strip mall at 02:00 on a Saturday and ordered a smoothie.

The poor middle-aged woman working the graveyard shift at a Tropical Smoothie Cafe.

Also here are, by my count, not one, not two, but three Crumbl knock-offs.

Cookie Friday, Crave Cookies, Twisted Sugar – all selling thick, circularly-frosted discs with rotating flavors.

Four similar cookie businesses, three of them chains founded in Utah, most all of their shops closed on Sunday.

Seinfeld should have made a film about this. Mormon cookie battle royale.

Palazzo has a Mediterranean restaurant from Israeli celebrity chef Eyal Shani.

Encore has a Mediterranean restaurant from Israeli celebrity chef Alon Shaya.

Uma, Oprah.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

19. Waingro Does Stand-Up (John Mulaney Presents: Everybody's in L.A., 9 May 2024)

Stray Observations

  • "Gods abandon those who believe in them. Mutants do not." (X-Men '97, S01E09)
  • "Oh, my god! Your obsession with comparing me to Robert Carlock." (Hacks, S03E03)
  • "I have a question for you. What rhymes with 'flat tits'?"
    "I'll look it up on RhymeZone." (Hacks, S03E03)
  • "The Big Bad Voodoo Daddies." (Hacks, S03E04)
  • Shilo Sanders as Deion Sanders (BMF, S03E10)
  • </BMF, S03>
  • "I fucked a jar of mayonnaise once."
    "No, you didn't."
    "Yes, I did. Yes, I did. [pause] You ain't ever fuck no mayonnaise?" (Jerrod Carmichael Reality Show, S01E07)

I live inside my own heart, Matt Damon

The comedy world is in Los Angeles for the Netflix Is a Joke Festival.

At the end, all four comedians returned to the Bowl stage, as Seinfeld called to "bring out the greatest lineup of comedians I have ever played with in my life," and left while the theme song for his new movie Unfrosted played through the venue.

Craig Horlbeck:

It's funny that Netflix is kind of cornering this comedy market. Can you name a really funny television show that Netflix has created or a funny movie on Netflix?

Unbreakable Kim—no, NBC sold that to Netflix…

Big Mouth is polarizing…

Oh! I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson!

Netflix's funniest show being a bunch of comedy sketches is on brand.

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

18. Prime Time (X-Men '97, S01E08)

Stray Observations

Stray Observations

  • "Am I really supposed to pick that up now?"
    "Well, a civic-minded homosexual would."
    "Christ. You're right." (The Sympathizer, S01E03)
  • "Bastion's evolutionary war lasted 300 years."
    "So another dystopia where Logan's the last to die." (X-Men '97, S01E08)
  • "Take a seat, Logan."
    "Aw, Daddy's home." (X-Men '97, S01E08)
  • "I knew Mengele. He could've been so much more, but he settled on being a Nazi pup." (X-Men '97, S01E08)
  • "You have a Porsche?" (X-Men '97, S01E08)
  • "He must have been the one who sent those flowers that were on her desk. Of course. Look at his beard."
    "What does his beard have to do with anything?"
    "That's a date beard."
    "What is a date beard?"
    "I-I'm just saying he grows a really nice beard, you know? And that's…that's the kind of beard that you want to be on a date with." (Abbott Elementary, S03E11)
  • "You know, you talk a lot for a librarian. I can barely hear what others are plotting."
    "And I don't even think it's even about the hentai anymore." (Abbott Elementary, S03E11)

(Abbott Elementary, S03E11)

(Chucky, S03E08)

  • </Chucky, S03>
  • "Enjoy Montreal."
    "Oh, I won't. It's Paris in the ears, but Hartford on the eyes." (Hacks, S03E01)
  • </Shark Tank, S15>

Adam Riff™ Clip of the Week

17. Shabbat (Knuckles, S01E03)

Stray Observations

  • "Flowers are only flowers because they fall But thankfully, the wind." (Shogun, S01E10)
  • "No translator." (Shogun, S01E10)
  • "How does it feel to shape the wind to your will?"
    "I don't control the wind. I only study it." (Shogun, S01E10)
  • "Let your hands be the last to hold her." (Shogun, S01E10)
  • </Shogun, S01>
  • "Perhaps the Professor's vision for the future was too nearsighted and begging for your tolerance was our first mistake." (X-Men '97, S01E07)
  • "I'm sorry. I have nothing."
    "Same, sugar." (X-Men '97, S01E07)
  • </American Horror Story, S12>
  • "Knuck, knuck. Knuck, knuck. You gotta say, 'Who's there?'"
    "Who's there?"
    "Knuckolas Cage."
    "Please stop." (Knuckles, S01E01)
  • "Can I get you anything, honey?"
    "Yes. Bring me your largest challah bread." (Knuckles, S01E06)
  • </Knuckles, S01>
  • </Baby Reindeer, S01>