It's 1:00 a.m. on Tuesday, Jon. You have to work in the morning – in another state! What are you doing at Subway?

No? He probably thinks I'm a liar. I should qualify.

"In California! You have to pay sales tax if Subway toasts your sandwich in California."

Five
Five
Five-dollar footlong futon
At Subway On Craigslist

Heh.

Oh gawd… He wants to small-talk with me. Don't embarrass yourself more, Jon.

one hour earlier

new case file: Brandon (-den? -dan?)

» ailurophiliac – owns one with a Hitler 'stache, named after Shuggie Otis?
» plays The Legend of Zelda games autistically
» questionable palate – enjoys canned diced tomatoes with tomato sauce
» tea aficionado
» drummer
» towel-munching guyakk^{[citation needed]}
» can reportedly grow an absurdly voluptuous beard
» voice sounds like Jarrett Grode
» deceptively erudite – shared the dictionary entry for "phalanx" almost verbatim
» former arsonist
» won't spend money on a television, but will impulsively buy cat figurines

eight hours later

I feel sick. Cold chills – is it influenza? Fuuuck! I need to sleep! I need… I need to poop. But what if the captain turns on the fasten seatbelt sign while I'm pooping? Why are tears pouring from my eyes? I'm not sad!

one hour earlier

Should I eat? I could finally try Qdoba. The Poblano Pesto Burrito sounds tasty.

Oh. Only breakfast burritos at this hour.

Why is the neighbouring Japanese eatery selling sausage patties and scrambled eggs?

American breakfast food is so heavy.

Oooh! Salmon chowder!

three hours later

"Hey, I'm outside baggage claim. Where are you?"
"I'm about to merge onto 101."
"Just now? I need to be at work by 10:00!"

two minutes later

"Hey, a cop just pulled me over for speeding."

[pause]

twelve hours later

Guh. I'm never gonna finish. One step forward, two steps back.

It's 10:00 p.m. on Tuesday, Jon. You're salaried. Why are you still at work?

• GTA IV Fabulously Expands With The Ballad of Gay Tony