—Sod it. Set the time machine to just after Brett Ratner was fired.

—More show, less masturbation.

—We open with the Academy president, then a montage of all the "best picture" nominees set to This Will Destroy You's "The Mighty Rio Grande," then MC Terry Crews.

—It's past time to scrap the "best original song" category. No performances of negligible "best original song" nominees. Instead, we fill the telecast with performances of sexier soundtrack highlights from the past year. I picture, in this order:

• Bruno Mars – "It Will Rain" (from Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 1)
• The National – "Think You Can Wait" (from Win Win)
• Karen O, Trent Reznor, and Atticus Ross – "Immigrant Song" (from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)
• Carey Mulligan – "New York, New York" (from Shame)
• College feat. Electric Youth – "A Real Hero" (from Drive)

—Set the "in memoriam" necrology to the "A Real Hero" performance. If The National are unavailable, book Teenage Fanclub to perform "The Concept" (from Young Adult).

—No montages besides the "best picture" nominees one at the beginning, and no comedy sketches or dancers or acrobats. Instead, we world premiere footage from upcoming 2012 releases throughout the telecast. Give viewers reasons to be as excited about cinema as the Academy is. I want to unveil footage from The Dark Knight Rises, and Rian Johnson's Looper, and Quentin Tarantino's Django Unchained, and Wes Anderson's Moonrise Kingdom, and John Hillcoat's The Wettest Country, and Andrew Dominik's Cogan's Trade, and David Chase's Twylight Zones, and Alfonso Cuarón's Gravity, and David O. Russell's The Silver Linings Playbook, and Peter Jackson's The Hobbit, and Ang Lee's Life of Pi, and Baz Luhrmann's The Great Gatsby…