"I don't want a girlfriend," he said. "I'm totally happy and satisfied with my life right now. Check this out."

He reached under his bed and pulled out a long, glass bong. He held it out to me.

"Look what I did. I modified it," he said proudly.

I took it from him and looked closer. There was something stuffed into the mouthpiece.

"Is that a Fleshlight?" I asked.

"Yeah, I glued it in there. I hot glued it."

"So you smoke weed through a bong that has a fake vaginal opening at the end? You put your mouth on the vagina and take bong rips?"

"Yeah, totally. The smoke can still squeeze through it. I also have sex with it a lot."

I quickly handed the monstrosity back to him.

"Like I said, I don't want a girlfriend. I have everything I need right here," he said. He looked lovingly at the bong and kissed the fleshy mound before carefully sliding it back under his bed.

I left shortly after that. I had a really bad stomach ache.

As I drove home, I realized that I hadn't thought to inspect the bong more thoroughly to see what liquid was in the bottom of it. I was thankful that I hadn't. [source]