Over the weekend, I attended the wedding of a childhood family friend — Google lawyers in love.

Helen was the "mature" one in our mutual circle — when we saw Robin Hood: Men in Tights at a cineplex, she ditched us to see The Secret Garden — so I was flabbergasted when the wedding officiant donned a viking helmet, prayed to Thor, and ordered the groom to mix a "unity martini."

A comedy wedding!

While waiting for the ceremony to begin, I heard string instrumental covers of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and Linkin Park's "In the End."

The couple's first dance ended as a Bollywood dance number.

Attention DJs: You cannot dance to "Bizarre Love Triangle."

Two cakes decorated as unopened candy (a Snickers bar and a Kit Kat bar) sat opposite the wedding cake for no apparent reason.

I see a white guy with a fauxhawk at every wedding I attend.

• No guy ever takes off a shirt like that.
• The Wieners Circle