Everybody needs a little devastation • Adam Riff™

Against my better judgment, I visited The Mall on Friday.

I was looking for a plain black hoodie with a white zipper. I found one, but it was a size too small.

In the food court, in almost every stroller I saw sat a child too big for a stroller. It was like Wall-E: The Early Years.

"Hey, little girl."
"Hi."
"You like riding in a stroller?"
"Mm-hmm."
"Cut her legs off."

I waited for a fish burrito beside a grandmother eating McDonald's with her granddaughter.

"Hey, little girl."
"Hi."
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"I dunno…"
"Nothing like your irresponsible grandma, I hope."

I love The Mall.

Children never question why Santa Claus is at a shopping mall a week or two before the busiest day of his year.

If I saw my accountant at a mall on April 8, I'd be suspicious.

"Santa's here to evaluate children one last time before finalizing his lists. It's like the NFL Combine!"