Sic Semper Tyrannis

I don't know when it started. I think it was last August. I was bored, anchored in front of the television sifting through 900 channels of unwatchable crap, when I stumbled upon something I'd never thought would interest me. But there I sat, completely engrossed in footage of a 1996 Olympic gold medalist fighting with an intimidating white steroid-pusher (who, by the way, needed a haircut and a shave) over the affections of whitey's wifey. The acting was sub-par and the production value of the program was awfully cheap, but I ate up every minute of it. What is this fascinating show I was watching, you ask? [sigh] WWF Raw Is War.

Yes, wrestling. Okay, I'll be honest. In high school, I used to think the kids who liked wrestling were idiots too. But ever since that fateful August night, I've become obsessed with this paradigm of sports entertainment, acquiring a new found appreciation along the way for the workers and fans who made Vince McMahon a billionaire. I mean, where else can you get your fix of action, comedy, drama, horror, romance, and sports in one place, on one night…for free? Let's see Jeff Kent don tights, jump off the step on a 12-foot ladder above the step that says, "do not step above this step," and blade himself to pretend that the metal folding chair he fell on actually busted his head open – all for the amusement of the masses.

And so, I am pleased to announce the inception of Jonathan Yu's Wrestlepalooza, the granddaddy of imaginary sports entertainment events on the internet. It all goes down May 9: 22 exciting matches (with the possibility of more being booked) featuring your favorite celebrities and a little help from my friends.

Get to know the Wrestlepalooza lineup all this week. Check the card every day to see the latest additions to what is shaping up to be an amazing showcase of fake debauchery.

In the past weeks, I have unsuccessfully tried to make an adversary out of Rory Brown, who turns out to be the most passive guy in the world. I have unsuccessfully tried to get Adam Riff™ to hate me, going so far as to trademark his name. I have even unsuccessfully tried to get Britney Spears. Well, at Wrestlepalooza, Jonathan Yu, Rory Brown, Adam Riff™, and Britney Spears will play in the main event – a fatal fourway hell in the cell match. Four human beings with absolutely nothing in common, locked in a 20-foot-high steel cage, every person for his or her self, all in search of the elusive three-count pinfall and sole possession of Jonathan Yu's soul. That's right, buddy. I'm putting my soul on the line for entertainment purposes.

Now, in real life, I'm sure that Rory Brown would beat the living shit out of me, and even though I've never met him, I'm sure that Adam Riff™ could kick my ass too. Remember, however, that Wrestlepalooza is not real; it's a figment of my imagination. I haven't figured out how the winners will be determined yet. I want people to send feedback to (which I'll happily post and take into consideration), but knowing my readers, I don't think I'm gonna get any responses, so I'll probably end up engineering wins and losses myself. But if you really want to see, say, Adam Riff™ cut my balls off, put 'em in his mouth, and chew 'em up like teriyaki chicken, drop me a line. Help us make this Wrestlepalooza the best one ever. We're here for the people. Who knows? You might even find yourself in a match. Stay tuned.

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