The Good Life

when i look in the mirror
i can't believe what i see
tell me who's that funky dude
starin' back at me

I regretfully announce that the non-California leg of the I Hate Annoying British Pansy Rock…And Gnats tour has been cancelled due to extreme fatigue on my part. Between endless public transportation rides, studying for AP tests, and putting on a show every night, my body really took a beating this weekend. Oh, and my mom has a tumor in her neck.

excuse the bitchin'
i shouldn't complain
i should have no feeling
'cause feeling is pain

The fact that I felt like a stranger in a strange land didn't help. Even in my hometown, I kept thinking to myself: "What the fuck are you doing here, Jon? What the fuck are you saying 'hi' to Pat Hyland for? Why the fuck don't you go strangle Paige Price? She's right over there." I'm not exactly known for being a passive guy, but I found myself retreating into this anti-social hole while in the Bay Area, impulsively blowing off people like the Asian Safeway employee who hit on me in the Castro (don't ask) and the toy-gun-owning kid in the cow hat and his little cult gathering outside the Fro-Yo. Better to let Jose go over and get a standing ovation while I speed off in the sanctity of my crappy '85 Thunderbird to nearest the gas station.

Alex Roome had to chase me down. Goddamn Alex Roome just had to see Jon Yu. I felt so awkward, what with him right there with a big smile on his face, gawking at me as if I was some hot chick in a wet bikini. I wanted to say something interesting. I wanted to have a nice conversation with him. I came off sounding like a caveman foreigner.

screw this crap i've had it
i ain't no mr. cool
i'm a pig i'm a dog
so 'scuse me if i drool

I don't deserve this. What did I ever do to become a martyr figure? I got in trouble. Big deal. It happens all the time. In fact, my RA just documented me for "borrowing" a chair from the study lounge. Now I have to go talk to the higher-ups about the ethics of furniture theft. Goodie. Granted, troublemaking begets exposure, but it begins to border on ridiculous when I attend a high school production of Romeo And Juliet and the entire cast knows everything about me (even my personal tongue twister). I mean, Romeo knew who I was. The freshman who played fuckin' Romeo actually came up and talked to me after the show, completely oblivious to the fact that 1) I had never met him before and 2) I am in essence a bad bad man boy. I wasn't sure whether to feel scared or special. [end of coherent portion of post]

Some days, I don't know if I'm the man to save the world. That's my goal in life – to save the world. And if notoriety (good and bad) just happens to come with the job, well then, I guess I'll run with it. Carpe diem. Hey, it could come in handy one day when I want to make a horribly long movie about my life.

The Pathetic Adventures Of Rory Hornblower cast:
Rory Hornblower – unknown
Mrs. Hornblower – Lissa Keigwin
Mr. Hornblower – Ben Stiller
Kathy Dewar – Jane Kaczmarek
Hugh Riddell – Vince McMahon
Matt Neely – Anthony Michael Hall
Diane Tavenner – Molly Ringwald
Andy Paul – Andy Paul
Fat Security Guard – The Rock
More to be announced…

As much as I like to rag on Berkeley, after spending Saturday there, I realized that it is a damn good college town. Here at UCLA, we're stuck with Westwood. Westwood is Menlo Park plus. When I think about it, Berkeley may be the best college town in California. You could argue for Palo Alto, but let's face it, Palo Alto is Menlo Park plus plus.

Does everybody know what time it is? Guilt trip time! Yes, this is the superfluous portion of my post where I apologize to people whom I may have pissed off like the good hypocrite that I am. First off, I have this gut feeling that Adam Riff™ is really upset with me. So Mr. Riff™, if you're reading this, you're welcome to hate me. I'll just pencil you in on the list here between Marilyn Cooney and my roommate Ray. And for 99¢ more, you can supersize your hatred of me to include a free kick in the nuts! Then, there's the inimitable Mr. Eric, who gave me the silent treatment when I met him this weekend. See, I kinda made fun of his taste in music last week. Well, Mr. Eric, in the interest of fairness, I've uploaded my record collection so now YOU can mock MY questionable taste in music. Capiche?

1 • screw Miss Manners
3 • I smell junior college
4 • when regular Yahoo! doesn't cut it
5 • George W. Bush

What stipulation should be added to the cruiserweight championship match? (out of 508 votes)
contestants must be thoroughly intoxicated before match • 279 votes • 55%
nude ping pong playing cheerleaders • 208 votes • 41%
no smoking • 21 votes • 4%
Bar room brawl it is.

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