Shuck That Corn

Ever have one of the moments when you're taking a test that you studied endlessly for and your mind just goes blank on a question? It's really annoying.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am now one non-cumulative blue book final and a 10-page paper away from salvation. Whoo! (That's right. I'm appropriating the catch phrase "whoo" from Kurt Angle and Ric Flair. You got a problem with that?) Whoo!

A few brief announcements before we continue: Next Wednesday, I will have a little graduation present for the class of 2001. Also, I updated the concert calendar to include the KROQ Weenie Roast and the U.S. All Tomorrow's Parties engagement curated by Sonic Youth. Finally, go Sixers! I know, that sounds kinda pathetic coming from a guy who doesn't know jack about sports, but I watched game 1 of the NBA Finals and it is the opinion of this writer that Ahmad Rashad needs a haircut.

So now then.

What did I learn during my freshman year of college?

Asians don't use birth control.

Calculus blows.

Dining halls love to serve pasta.

Drunk kids are never funnier than when they're stoned.

Every time is nap time.

Folding a polo shirt is harder than it seems.

Handicapped people should not ride the bus.

Not having to do homework over winter break rules.

People know when you're jacking off in the shower.

Pizza for every meal isn't as ridiculous as it sounds.

TAs don't need to speak English to be hired.

There is no such thing as a rough draft.

UCLA and Hurley clothing make up 85% of the collective student population wardrobe.

You shouldn't drink a Molotov cocktail.

And finally…

You like your parents a lot more when you don't have to see them every day. I remember going home for winter break and discovering that Stephanie Chen's little sister had somehow told my mom that I had naked women (the Thanksgiving Special header) and other blasphemous content on my website. I was like, "Oh shit!" But you know what my mom had to say to me? "Just be careful." That's so cool, especially in the aftermath of "the incident." Gotta love Asian parents.

I realized last night that I am a real asshole to women. You know, it's not good idea to call a girl a "nagging cunt" and then refer to her mom as a "smelly Armenian whore," even if you're just joking around. For some reason, women choose to take me seriously. One thing you have to understand though about Jonathan Yu is that 99% of what comes out of my mouth is bullshit.

"Lois, that's why God invented breasts. So we could have something to look at while you're talking." • how Peter Griffin gets in trouble with women

"I just can't figure out this stupid sex with their two stupid X chromosomes." • how Jonathan Yu gets in trouble with women

I need charm, the kind of charm that all British men exude. Somebody should find a way to bottle that English charm and mass produce it. One day, I hope to be able to go to the local Costco and see giant bottles of imported charm sitting on the shelf next to oversized cans of concentrated sleep and bulk packages of Maruchan's Instant Orgasm.

In the news, a Los Angeles jury ordered tobacco giant Philip Morris to pay more than $3 billion to a lifelong smoker, the largest single individual award in a case against the industry. He was diagnosed in 1999 with lung cancer, which has spread to his lymph nodes, back, and brain. He took up cigarettes in 1957 at age 13 and was smoking at least two packs of Marlboros every day for more than 40 years.

So this is how it's gonna be, huh? Well, in that case…Jae Min, did I ever tell you that you're my bestest friend? Oh it's true, it's true.

I feel like giving away some money. Introducing Jonathan Yu's Money, Cash & Hoes Game! Over the next 100 days, I will post a different album cover on the website every day. At the end of the 100 days, I will then give you an e-mail address where you can send your answer list. The objective is simple: identify the most album covers (artist and title of record) and win $1 for each correct answer. The album covers will be archived.

go • bush or chimp?
go • curry
go • hardware (and software) destruction haven
go • puppetry of the penis
go • wigger of the week

How can we improve this website? (out of 182 votes)
bring back the fake headlines • 125 votes • 69%
get off your ass and finish Wrestlepalooza, dammit! • 4 votes • 2%
more about your pathetic life • 16 votes • 9%
more about pop culture • 12 votes • 7%
more graphics • 1 vote • 1%
nude ping-pong playing cheerleaders • 3 votes • 2%
it's perfect as it is • 21 votes • 21%
You want fake headlines? Go watch Entertainment Tonight.

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