Let the Bodies Hit the Floor

If I can be serious for a minute, I want to address the mideast peace crisis. It's stupid. It really is. When you check the news and it reports on a different death in the mideast every day, I don't think you can call the situation anything but "stupid." Will this back-and-forth vengeance ever stop? And what, exactly, are they fighting over? Land. A fuckin' piece of land. [sigh] It seems that whenever human beings engage in war, we lose track of what we're fighting for early on, and it all ends up disintegrating into this silly game of kill-the-enemy. Look at Vietnam. For most of our men in southeast Asia, it was a case of "shoot the gook," not "protect the world from the domino effect." Now, I am by no means one of those Amnesty International freaks – manslaughter with a purpose is okay by me – but this whole mideast peace crisis is just…stupid.

Let's put the soapbox away.

I'm currently taking Psych 10 (Introduction To Psychology) to kill off my final general education requirement, and every Psych 10 student needs to be a psychology experiment guinea pig for six hours in order to pass the class. So on Monday, I participated in a study on the influence of attention and stress on how adults process sounds for three hours of credit. In theory, it sounded cool: sit in a semi-darkened room and have measurements taken of my brain wave activity and eye blinks by small recording disks attached to the surface of my scalp and taped to my forehead and earlobes while I listen to brief clicks through headphones and look at pictures of firearms, victims of violence, and people fighting. It turns out that I was part of the control group for this particular experiment, so instead of looking at cool pictures, I stared at pictures of office supplies for 30 minutes and then at a blank screen for another 30 minutes. That's right. I was secluded in a dark room hooked up to a machine listening to clicking sounds and gawking at a blank screen for HALF AN HOUR. Now I know what hell is like. What's more, I was later told that this experiment was not so much an investigation on how adults process sound but rather a study on why some people tend to develop schizophrenic symptoms. Whoo!

I was also really tired during the experiment and had difficulty keeping my eyes open. Thing is, the recording disks attached to my head were monitoring brain and eye activity, so the experimenter conductor guy could tell I was falling asleep and kept yelling at me through the loudspeaker to "keep alert!" I'm such a bad guinea pig.

As I was on my way to the Jimmy Eat World show Monday night, I saw a couple lying on the sidewalk making out. Hooray for them. Then, at the show, this couple standing right next to me forgot that this was a show and not a whorehouse and started making out. The show was sold out, so I was awfully close to all the "action." In fact, I was so close, I could smell the condom bursting. They just wouldn't stop, and to make matters worse, the girl was blond. Here I was trying to enjoy JEW while these two lovebirds, way too drunk for their own good, got it on five centimeters away from me. I think at one point, the guy accidentally felt me up. Ugh. I wanted to shoot them.

I wish I had a gun. You read that correctly. I wish I had a gun, not to go all Columbine or anything like that. There are just some times when I want to shoot people, like when I'm standing in the express line at the supermarket and the old lady in front of me insists on paying for a pack a gum with a check. Am I the only person who feels this way? Am I the only person who sat in journalism class imagining what it'd be like to pull a gun out and shut Robert Witmeyer up once and for all in cold blood? If I am, then shoot me.

Bored? Go to Google and type in "jonathan shit." Guess who's website pops up first (and second)? Search for "scapegoat wax jew" too. What do you find?

I guess one of the requirements of being a millionaire is that you have to take a failed balloon ride around the world. I don't get it. You have more money than Jesus, and what do you do? Risk your life to unsuccessfully circumnavigate Earth in a fuckin' balloon. I'll take the Concorde, thank you very much.

In Weezer news, the group will be filming a second video for "Island In The Sun," the sophomore single from their new album. The initial video for the song, directed by Marcos Siega, is currently in rotation on MTV, but the group has decided to make another video with director Spike Jonze, who also helmed the videos for "Undone (The Sweater Song)" and "Buddy Holly."

All roads lead to promo.

I know I've been slacking recently in the promo department, but that's because I'm almost finished plugging all the key elements of my special event post in the works. Today, I'd like you to meet Andy Dick – comedian, musician, addict.

Nowadays, Andy Dick can be found churning out searing indictments of popular culture on MTV's The Andy Dick Show, a sketch comedy smorgasbord that he also writes and directs. However, Dick's geeky comedic genius traces all the way back to 1992, when he got a job as a cast member of The Ben Stiller Show on Fox. Stiller would later bring Andy along for the ride, casting him in nearly every project of his: Reality Bites, The Cable Guy, even a "Backstreet Boyz" sketch on the Stiller-hosted 1998 MTV Video Music Awards. It was by himself in 1995 though that Andy Dick arose to cultural relevance, when after a short stint on the "new" Get Smart, News Radio premiered on NBC, and Dick's role as bumbling WNYX employee Matthew Brock would give him a name as well as a job for the next five years, during which time he would play with drugs, alcohol, and his band the Bitches of the Century, best known for their song "Little Brown Ring." Upon the cancellation of News Radio, Dick pursued other projects, namely, small roles in bad movies like Loser and Dude, Where My Car?, but subsequently rebounded with his current MTV show that has America in stitches, at least the part of America that gets cable television and watches MTV. It just goes to show – good things can happen to the 1984 Homecoming King of Joliet West High School. Andy Dick has two first names and is the seventh key element of my special event post in the works.

Only one key element left. Who will it be?

go • censored cartoons page
go • japanese engrish
go • jesus christ superstore
go • things i love about japan
go • virtual cow tipping

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