Howard the Dork

Why bother?
It's gonna hurt me
It's gonna kill when you desert me
This happened to me twice before
It won't happen to me anymore

I write one post talking about how nobody ever visits my website and suddenly everybody's messaging me with the question "are you shutting down your site?"

No, I am not shutting down my website and never planned to. After seeking psychiatric help though, I HAVE decided to continue running my site…for me. Feel free to join the party if you want, but other people are gonna be the least of my worries from now on. It's absurd to care, really. Even my horoscope this week says so:

"It's not terrible to lose your mind (at least temporarily). What's bad is not capitalizing on it, like by escaping the stunted realities that caused you to lose your mind in the first place; or by exploring surprising emotions that may lead you to the roots of your future superpowers; or by narrating your life story into a beat-up tape recorder as you sprawl on the floor in a pool of your own tears and then selling the whole beautiful mess to a Hollywood screenwriter."

On with the show…

I guess Romeo wasn't the only person who had to die. You could say that "we need a resolution" on safe modes of transportation. Creed should invest in a private jet.

I know, I know. I'm going to hell.

The United States Olympic committee was here at UCLA on Friday touring the dormitories. If you don't know, during the 1984 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles, the athletes stayed in the UCLA dormitories, and now that Los Angeles is bidding for the Olympics again, it's back to the dormitories. First off, Sydney built a fuckin' biodegradable village for its Olympians and the best that Los Angeles can do is the UCLA dormitories? And secondly, why is Los Angeles bidding for the Olympics again? Where are they gonna build all the brand new sporting facilities that the IOC demands? I don't understand why American megalopolises think it'd be a good idea to play host to billions of people on top of the billions of people they already play host to. I heard that New York City and San Francisco were bidding for the Olympics too. Brilliant.

I saw Bubble Boy Friday night and afterward, as I walked out of the theater, some cameraman stopped me and asked if he could videotape my honest reaction to the movie. I agreed and what followed was basically me lying to the camera for a minute-and-a-half. You just don't want to get on Disney's bad side.

Class, turn to page 32 of Entertainment Weekly's fall movie preview issue. "Third Eye Blind singer Stephan Jenkins cameos [in the movie Rock Star] as an extraordinarily untalented musician." What a stretch.

I fuckin' hate automatic hand dryers. They may be eco-friendly, but it takes forever to dry anything with those machines. Gimme a paper towel and stop wasting my time.

I also hate toilet seat covers. Why don't they punch out the hole for you? When I need to take a shit, I need to take a shit, and the time required to punch the hole out brings me one step closer to shittin' in my pants.

There are some things in this world that simply don't need to be ugly, and money is one of 'em. Am I the only person who finds the "new and improved" dollar bills to be really ugly? Lame fonts, white space, and gigantic off-center dead President heads don't exactly capture the capitalist effectiveness of AMERICA. No, the new dollar bills capture the capitalist effectiveness of MONOPOLY.

Bob Dylan is hitting the road in support of his forthcoming album Love and Theft, due in stores September 11. America's favorite born-again Christian plays San Jose (Compaq Center) on October 12, San Francisco (Bill Graham Civic Center) on October 13, and Los Angeles (Staples Center) on October 19.

My brother enters 7th grade tomorrow. Can you believe it? Here in California, we can thank our wonderful Governor Gray Davis for extending the K-12 school year and eliminating teacher-in-service days. Amen. We can also thank he with the perfect hair for rolling blackouts, philandering state representatives, and a Republican winning the California governorship in 2002.

go • childcare action project
go • fetapets
go • kill your friends
go • orgasmatron
go • pop nots!
go • uncelebrity
go • unloading windows
go • weeeeeeeeee!
go • y2khai
go • youth cocktail

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