The Day the Whole World Went Away

I suppose now isn't the best time to talk stocks.

Well, well, well. What can I say?

Michael Jordan should NOT return to professional basketball.

Oh and we got reamed yesterday.

It was the worst attack on American soil since the release of Pearl Harbor and gave the country a new date to live in 'famy. It was also the day I scammed a cheap sushi restaurant and went shopping for a new TV.

Three planes commandeered by unknown hijackers slammed into the Pentagon and New York's landmark World Trade Center, demolishing the twin 110-story towers that were once the tallest buildings in the world and possibly burying thousands of people in now geographically-incorrect New York City tourist merchandise. A fourth hijacked plane crashed in a wooded area near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, scaring the shit out of local Amish.

Not knowing if more attacks were on the way, authorities evacuated key television stations of all entertaining programming.

You know why Osama Bin Laden is such an angry guy? 'Cause Osama ain't been laid in a long, long time. Ha ha ha.

All kidding aside, watching people fall to their doom while our President runs away is not my idea of a good time. What troubles me the most – more than how clever the hijackers were, more than the pervasive Curtis LeMay rhetoric – is the lack of regard for the victims. What should have been a wake-up call for America only exacerbated our jingoist erection. Here in Los Angeles, the primary concern was shutting down Disneyland and shopping malls, lest another symbol of U.S. financial clout be attacked. So Aaliyah is eulogized to death (no pun intended) while collateral damage in the thousands goes unnoticed, lost and gone forever as the requiem of Dan Rather drones on in the background, at least for now. Command and Conquer was right: "A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic."

Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger told CNN: "This is comparable to Pearl Harbor and we must have the same response and the people who did it must have the same end as the people who attacked Pearl Harbor." Terrific. In response to Pearl Harbor, the U.S. built homegrown internment camps and dropped the atomic bomb for the first and only time in history. How will we top ourselves this time?

I know! In a day and age when nuclear weapons are more or less banned from civilized warfare, I have masterminded a plan to once and for all send a message to the world that tolerism will not be terrorated, er, you know what I mean.

step one: Find out who did this and extradite them to the U.S. I'm sure we can do this. We're always extraditing foreign war criminals to the U.S.

step two: If we find a pony, we can train it, train it to bite of their wieners.

step three: On an episode of Fear Factor, videotape the pony biting off the wieners of the bad guys while that tool who hosts the show taunts them. "Are you scared? What are you thinking right now? Scary, huh?"

step four: Feed the wieners to starving children in Africa.

step five: Back in America, have White House chefs cook the wienerless. President Bush is to then eat them in front of a worldwide television audience and throw up moments later on the Japanese Prime Minister. Don't think we've forgotten about that.

step six: Have Bush get on a mic and cut a searing promo.

"And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and fuuurious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I eat you and feed your wieners to starving African children. Go America!"

Maybe I'm giving Bush too much credit. The guy can't even read a teleprompter correctly, let alone cut a good promo. Knowing Bush, he'll probably opt for a more conservative line of action, and yes, I have also masterminded a conservative plan. I call it "Plan B."

step one: Accumulate as many explosives as humanly possible.

step two: Sink the country that bred the bastards who did this. That's right. Sink the whole country, like Atlantis. Make the world a better place. That's one less country for us to deal with, one less place for evil to breed.


When I first heard the news, my initial reaction was "Dammit! I wanted to watch Love Cruise tonight! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Am I a cold heartless robot? Maybe… Bless me, father, for I have sinned, and you…you have just unleashed an anti-mideasterner monster in the minds of "most Americans."

October 11, 2001 – Las Vegas

Unknown hijackers commandeered the Manhattan Express roller coaster at the New York-New York Hotel & Casino today, derailed it and slammed into guest rooms behind the World Trade Center facade, demolishing the one-third actual size replica twin towers and possibly burying thousands of people alive.

While no group has claimed responsibility for the attack, suspicions centered on an implacable L.V. foe – exiled Donald Trump, who is being sheltered in Atlantic City by his money.

Explosions lit up the night sky at the Aladdin Hotel & Casino across the street, and reports said there were missiles flying across the Desert Passage. But a Trump spokesperson denied involvement and said the attack appeared to come from a Vegas opposition group.

What should be the next timeless classic to be completely re-imagined with fight choreography by Hong Kong legend Xin-Xin Xiong?
(out of 67 votes)

The Autobiography of Malcolm X • 0 votes • 0%
The Bible • 5 votes • 7%
Charlotte's Web • 1 vote • 1%
The Kama Sutra • 4 votes • 6%
A Separate Peace • 46 votes • 69%
Walden • 11 votes • 16%

Kung fu blitzball! Whoo!