Somewhere in hell, Curtis LeMay is laughing his ass off.

I'm sure you've all heard the news by now: Max Keeble's Big Move bombed at the box office this weekend. No…seriously, President Bush basically declared war on Afghanistan today in an effort to please American history textbook publishers clamoring for exciting events in the late 20th, early 21st century. Senators close to the investigation of the September 11 attacks said that terrorists could well try more strikes at America as U.S. military action continues in Afghanistan. Hmmm.

It costs $2000 to completely annihilate one square kilometer of land with conventional weapons, $800 with nuclear weapons, $600 with nerve gas, and $1 with a biological agent. One measly dollar.

What if, say, smallpox "magically" returned to America? Yes, the World Health Organization declared the virus eradicated in 1980, but remember, the last existing live strains of smallpox were then split up for safekeeping. One set was shipped to America. The other set wound up in Moscow (during the Cold War!), and top Russian scientists would later admit to having manufactured and weaponized smallpox in the 80s under the guise of pharmaceutical company Biopreparat. I smell a black market. Oh, smallpox is out there, waiting to be used. And why not? The virus is extremely communicable via the respiratory tract, kills a third of its infected, and has no cure. You either survive or die trying. Moreover, the practice of vaccinating people for smallpox came to a halt after its alleged eradication. America, for one, began destroying its supply of vaccine. Today, only 5-7 million vials of smallpox vaccine remain in our country, and despite being highly-concentrated, diluting the vaccine 100 times is still not enough to treat an outbreak in one city. Granted, we could simply make more vaccine. Genetic engineering, however, has made it possible to combine smallpox with other viruses, resulting in combination strains like ebolapox that have no known vaccine.

A spectre is haunting America – the spectre of bioterrorism. Unlike regular warfare, rules of engagement don't apply, and there's nothing we can do about it. We're sitting ducks for the asymmetric threat. Heil Bin Laden!
Sgt. Hartman: Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little Communist shit twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant?
[silence]
Sgt. Hartman: Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it? Out-fucking-standing! I will P.T. you all until you fucking die! I'll P.T. you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk. Was it you, you scroungy little fuck, huh?
Jon: No…sir. Uh…it was…Ro-rory…Rory said it.
Rory: Dude, what the fuck are you talkin' about? You're the one who was goin' on about how we're all gonna die from chicken pox and shit.
Sgt. Hartman: Well, what have we got here? A fucking comedian?
Rory: Who the fuck are you? And no, I'm not a comedian. I'm Jewish.
Sgt. Hartman: For your information, I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman!
Rory: And I am trying to watch Golden Girls, so could you keep it down?
Sgt. Hartman: What did you say, maggot? From now on, you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewer will be "sir"! Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?
Rory: Somebody needs to get laid…
Sgt. Hartman: Oh? I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and fuck my sister.
Rory: If you don't beat me to the chase, that is.
Sgt. Hartman: What's your name, scumbag?
Rory: [rolls eyes] Rory Hornblower.
Sgt. Hartman: Bullshit! From now on, you're Private Snowball! Do you like that name?
Rory: Look, I don't have time to play your silly games. I'm missing Golden Girls. I gtg.
Sgt. Hartman: You did not just do that. Tell me you did not just use a lame AIM acronym.
Rory: rofl.
Sgt. Hartman: You little scumbag! I've got your name! I've got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers and I will teach you! Now get up! Get on your feet! You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!
Rory: Hey, the tampons are in the upstairs bathroom. Help yourself.
Sgt. Hartman: You piece of shit!
Rory: [sigh] For Allah's sake, I HAVE ASTHMA.
Sgt. Hartman: You…you-you're asthmatic?
Rory: You like apples? Well, how do you like them apples?
Sgt. Hartman: …shit. Okay, I'll be on my way then. [exits]
Rory: lol. Nothing is funnier than Golden Girls.

I say let the war go on until Sunday, March 17, 2002, when we can settle it once and for all on neutral ground at WWF Wrestlemania X-8 from the Skydome in Toronto.

Last Man Standing Street Fight
for the WTC Championship
Osama Bin Laden vs. Kurt Angle

The objective is simple: score a 10-count pinfall. No disqualifications, no mercy, one unforgettable match. Whoo! Can you imagine the buyrate? Take note, Vince.

Give links a chance:
go • apple design and prototype
go • get (some) real
go • happiest potties on earth
go • meatmation
go • pooping: a primer