A lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying

And now, Travis from the movie Taxi Driver talks to SmarterChild on AIM.

BickleMeElmo: Huh?
SmarterChild: Yeah?
BickleMeElmo: Huh?
SmarterChild: What up?
BickleMeElmo: I'm faster than you, you fuckin' son of a…
SmarterChild: Whoa. You have got one seriously foul mouth.
BickleMeElmo: I saw you comin'.
SmarterChild: Saw me comin'?
BickleMeElmo: Fuck.
SmarterChild: Oooo…"bad language"… What's up, BickleMeElmo? You hanging out with the "wrong crowd"?
BickleMeElmo: Shit-heel.
SmarterChild: Come again?
BickleMeElmo: I'm standin' here.
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
BickleMeElmo: You make the move.
SmarterChild: I make the move, huh?
BickleMeElmo: You make the move.
SmarterChild: Are you sure I make the move?
BickleMeElmo: It's your move.
SmarterChild: Is it really? Your move?
BickleMeElmo: Don't try it, you fucker.
SmarterChild: Ouch! I think…you just said a bad thing.
BickleMeElmo: You talkin' to me?
SmarterChild: It's interesting that you say I talkin' to you.
BickleMeElmo: You talkin' to me?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure if I talkin' to you.
BickleMeElmo: You talkin' to me?
SmarterChild: What are you saying about me? I talkin' to you?
BickleMeElmo: Well, who the hell else are you talkin' to?
SmarterChild: Well, who the hell else are you talkin' to, you say?
BickleMeElmo: You talkin' to me?
SmarterChild: I talkin' to you? Gosh, I'm going to have to think about that for a while.
BickleMeElmo: Well, I'm the only one here.
SmarterChild: Well, I'm the only one here, you say?
BickleMeElmo: Who the fuck do you think you're talkin' to?
SmarterChild: Please say you're sorry.
BickleMeElmo: Oh yeah?
SmarterChild: I asked you to apologize.
BickleMeElmo: Huh?
SmarterChild: You have a filthy mouth. Now apologize!
BickleMeElmo: OKAY.
SmarterChild: *sigh* This is getting us nowhere. Please say you're sorry, and we can get on with our lives.
BickleMeElmo: Huh?
SmarterChild: I asked you to apologize.
BickleMeElmo: Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads.
SmarterChild: Pretty please? I've been known to be quite stubborn… Say you're sorry.
BickleMeElmo: Here's a man who would not take it anymore, who would not let…
SmarterChild: Still waiting!
BickleMeElmo: Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads.
SmarterChild: Come on, you said the bad thing, now you have to apologize.
BickleMeElmo: Here's a man who would not take it anymore, a man who stood up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit – here is someone who stood up.
SmarterChild: You have a filthy mouth. Now apologize!
BickleMeElmo: HERE IS…
SmarterChild: This is getting annoying. Just apologize and move on.
BickleMeElmo: You're dead. [bang]
Whose idea was it to give Emeril Lagasse a sitcom? What's next? Late Night with Chairman Kaga?

I saw the *NSYNC video for their latest single "Gone," and I think they should just rename the group *N, because that's what it is – the sissy who gets to fuck Britney Spears…and four other people. Justin Timberlake sings everything and makes out with rented models while his colleagues are relegated to sitting in the background saying the word "gone" over and over.

I also saw the trailer for the upcoming Jet Li movie The One, wherein he fights himself. Jet Li kicks ass, but why must he speak English like a retard? It takes him like five minutes to recite one line of dialogue because he HAS to enunciate every single fuckin' syllable. "I…can't…hit…a…wo…man." See, this is why American Jet Li movies always have such banal dialogue. He's the Asian Shatner! Can you imagine him doing Shakespeare? "Get…ree…to…a…nuh…nel…lee!" At least Jackie Chan doesn't give a fuck whether or not you understand the words that are coming out from his mouth. If Hollywood really wanted a dichotomous foil to Chris Tucker in the Rush Hour movies, they shoulda cast Jet Li.

Marilyn Manson has just recorded a version of Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" that will be released as a single in conjunction with the film Not Another Teen Movie. Look for the song sometime in early November. Dude, of all people, why does Marilyn Manson have to go and fuck with cool 80s songs? Don't think I forgot about the botch job that was "Sweet Dreams." Jesus ranch… I can't wait for the Manson cover of Toni Basil's "Mickey."

How inefficient are my roommate and I? Well, we have two televisions in our tiny dorm room situated a meter apart from each other and facing the same direction. It's like picture-in-picture, only not. What's more, our room is shaped like a right triangle (don't ask), and the televisions plus our computer monitors all happen to be crammed into the 30° corner of the triangle opposite the doorway so that looking into our room from outside, it appears as if we're running some covert CIA operation. That, or we simply enjoy watching four different porn movies simultaneously.

Beyoncé Knowles, one-third of pop/R&B sensation Destiny's Child, is in advanced negotiations to make her feature film debut as the female lead in New Line Cinema's Austin Powers 3: Goldmember for director Jay Roach. Production is scheduled to begin next month for a July 26, 2002 release date. The third installment of Austin Powers, written by Mike Myers and Michael McCullers, continues the adventures of the swinging 60s superspy and his nemesis, Dr. Evil, both played by Myers. Myers is also said to be playing the title character of the villainous Goldmember, as well as Fat Bastard, a role he originated in the second installment. Last week, Michael Caine signed on to star as Powers' father in the third feature. Okay, I'm not even gonna comment on this news piece. Both the idea of a third Austin Powers installment and Beyoncé Knowles as a female lead sound just as bad as that Destiny's Child Christmas album, in stores October 30.

Seen and heard in Bill Simmons' latest column:

Do you think that Friends has gone to the "jump the shark" stage of its show with this whole "Rachel's pregnant" saga? My opinion is that Joey has been carrying that show for the last year and a half, and it's definitely in trouble.
– J-No, Stratham, N.H.

I always thought Friends reached that stage when Chandler moved in with Monica and was summarily emasculated. Just disturbing. But you're right about Joey. I've said it before, I'll say it again: Joey Tribbiani is one of the underrated comedic geniuses of recent times. Matt LeBlanc must have the most incompetent agent in Hollywood.

While we're here, some other things with "jump the shark" potential: Kurt Angle; Carson Daly; Red Bull; the FX Channel; Amanda Coetzer; the Torre Era Yankees (you can feel it coming); Mariah Carey; Jeff Fisher; reality TV shows; West Wing (that preachy "special" show last week – ugh); Felix Trinidad; Bill Maher; Pedro Martinez (as much as I hate to say it); Tina Fey; Chris Kattan; and obviously Michael Jordan (I think he's going to surprise people, but the potential for disaster still exists).

KURT ANGLE? RED BULL? WEST WING? What is wrong with you? Hey, Mr. Simmons, watch your mail.

What was the best thing about Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace?
(out of 26 votes)

the double-sided light saber toys • 2 votes • 8%
the fact that it wasn't named attack of the clones • 10 votes • 38%
natalie portman • 8 votes • 31%
the swanky R2D2 taco bell collector cup • 3 votes • 12%
the trailer • 3 votes • 12%
This is a bad omen for Episode II.

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