Biblical Hermeneutics

"don't mistake jon yu with that other guy with talent…john woo."

Gee, I've never heard that one before. I'm hurt.

Fuck off, Rob (or should I say "rednow sselkcid"?). I'm in no mood for your perverse psychology right now. Keep it up and I will unscrew your head and shit down your Sunshine State neck. What?

In fact, I wrote a little poem for the Telcobox people to express just how much I adore 'em. Taking a cue from Theodore Geisel, I call it "Green Eggs and Assholes."

I do not like this Telcobox
I think the staff can suck my…well…
I do not like this Warplayer
His "girlfriend," or his gelled-up hair
I do not like this fag Scudco
Go blow the pres of Del Taco!
I do not like Ubiquity
Who sucks at talkin' shit 'bout me
I do not like Agent Stickboy
Whose chats with Qwo merely annoy
I've never met this guy Loafer
Though females would rather go for
Some six-packed cutie like Unruly
Just kidding! Fuck you and your movies!
And finally, to Bo(o)rishOne:
The tampon goes INSIDE your cunt

The end.

So now then.

I have something to get off my chest. Honestly, I can't believe I got suckered into getting breast implants.

It's amazing what you find during a close read of a newspaper. Buried in the latest LA Weekly, I saw a tiny ad plugging a taping of the HBO concert series Reverb with Goat Punishment (a.k.a. Weezer) at the Knitting Factory this Wednesday. Secret Weezer show + small club + low ticket price + television exposure = orgasm to the infinity power. If only I wasn't already committed to seeing Tenacious D at the Wiltern that same night. Damn…

I spent most of Thursday night / Friday morning wired on Red Bull and No-Doz writing a paper and this weekend, I get to do it all over again because I have a seven-page research paper due on Monday. Whoo!

I hate how college classes assign research papers and then quarantine all researchable library books in reserves. How do you expect me to write a research paper if I can't check out any books for research? Why must I, an unemployed college student, bankroll the costs of writing a paper when I already pay $4000 a year for tuition? I squandered 10 good dollars today on a ream of reserve material photocopies! What's up with that? Moreover, with two pages left to photocopy, my copy card ran out of money. I went over to the lady behind the counter and asked if she had change for a twenty. She told me "no" and directed me to the Young Research Library, where a cashier was available. Fuckin' A! All I needed was 15 goddamn cents, but I had to walk all the way over to the YRL and all the way back to the Arts Library because UCLA photocopiers are stupid and only accept payment in the form of a University copy card. [sigh] Okay, so my adventures in photocopying aren't as interesting as, say, sticking my hand up my ass, but this the extent of my social life.

I want to go see Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone with a bunch of goths.

How did Survivor diet Friday go? Well, I had to survive on powdered dorm milk alone. See, I had trouble acquiring fresh blood. I'm too much of a wuss to slit my wrists, and my hemorrhoids proved uncooperative today. I tried asking girls on my floor for menstrual blood and was surprisingly turned down across the board, kinda like my love life. I was desperate for blood when it occurred to me that if I floss really really hard, my gums would (God willing) bleed. Again, another bad idea. I spent about a half-hour assailing my mouth with dental floss to no avail, though my gums now hurt like fuck. Survivor diet Friday: good wholesome fun.

I don't think anybody cares, but here are my predictions for the WWF No Mercy pay-per-view this Sunday:

triple threat match for the wwf championship
Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Kurt Anglevs. Rob Van Dam
Kurt Angle wins after Vince McMahon screws RVD, thus setting up the WWF championship match at the Survivor Series PPV next month. A screwjob finish restores Kurt Angle's slowly cooling face heat while building major face heat for RVD.

wcw championship
The Rock vs. Chris Jericho
Chris Jericho wins and moves one step closer to his eventual heel turn. I see Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley somehow involving herself in the outcome of the match. With both Austin and Rock out of a title belt race, the long-awaited Austin/Rock rematch will main event Survivor Series.

ladder match for the intercontinental championship
Edge vs. Christian
Edge wins. Usually, matches involving construction equipment signal the end of a feud, and seeing as how the battle of the blond-haired brothers went nowhere…good riddance.

The Undertaker vs. Booker T
Eh. Who cares? There's nothing at stake.

Test vs. Kane
See above.

first ever lingerie match
Torrie Wilson vs. Stacy Keibler
Everyone's a winner! I still don't understand what makes a lingerie match different from a bra and panties match. Oh well. Almost naked is almost naked.

wwf tag team championship
Dudley Boyz vs. Big Show & Tajiri
Dudleys retain, although Tajiri attracts some major face heat. The Dudleys always retain.

wcw tag team championship
Hardy Boyz vs. The Hurricane & Lance Storm
Hardys retain. Storm really deserves a belt, but for some reason, Vince makes him lose all his matches. Plus, Hurricane already has the European Championship belt. Two belts, especially on a purely comedic character, just won't happen.

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