Laces Out

The Beastie Boys played their first show in more than two-and-a-half years on October 28 at New York's Hammerstein Ballroom, at the first of two New Yorkers Against Violence benefits, which the rap trio organized.

Hitting the live stage for the first time since the Tibetan Freedom Concert in July 1999, the Beastie Boys played a 40-minute hip-hop set, running through a smorgasbord of tunes such as "Intergalactic," "Root Down," "Sure Shot," and "Pass the Mic" with DJ Mixmaster Mike providing the beats. The rust was apparent, with group members Adam Yauch and Adam Horovitz asking to stop the music at points because they didn't remember lyrics. But the minimalist set-up allowed them to touch on material spanning their career and easily segue from one song to the next.

The following day…

Mike D: [sigh]
Adrock: [sigh]
MCA: [sigh]
Adrock: Matlock is the shizzle.
Mike D: You got that right.
Adrock: Andy Griffith, man…total genius.
Mike D: Yee. [pause] Hey, I just came up with this beat. Check it out. Da da. Da. Da da da da. Da da da.
Adrock: Hmmm. Da da. Da. Da da da da. Da da da.
Mike D: Yeah, except you gotta give that third "da" some major vibrato. Da da. Da-o-a-o-a-o-a.
Adrock: Da da. Da-o-a-e-a-o-a?
Mike D: Close. You like it? You like my beat creation?
Adrock: Yee.
Mike D: How 'bout you, Yauch?
MCA: Free Tibet!
Mike D: I'll take that as a "yes." What do you guys say about using this beat on the next record?
Adrock: Record? What's a record?
Mike D: It's what we used to make. Remember?
Adrock: You mean, like, License To Ill and Paul's Boutique? Those things?
Mike D: Yeah. Records. How about we make a new one?
Adrock: ANOTHER RECORD? But we just made one!
Mike D: …in 1998.
Adrock: No, I'm talking about the latest record, the one released after Hello Nasty.
Mike D: The greatest hits record?
Adrock: Yee.
Mike D: Dude, that's not a real record! That's us milking our fans with a do-it-yourself mix CD.
MCA: Free Tibet!
Mike D: You stay out of this, Yauch. All I'm saying is that I think it's time we go back into the studio and work on something that we can drop on our loyal fans in, say, 2005.
Adrock: Is that enough time to make a record?
Mike D: Maybe. Let me call Mike to see what his schedule is.
[Mike D uses telephone speed dial]
?: Hello?
Mike D: …..mom?
Mike D's Mom: Michael! How are you? Did you get the George Foreman grill I sent?
Mike D: Yeah…
Mike D's Mom: It's so nice to hear from you. How was the show at the Hammerstein Ballroom?
Mike D: It was…uh…good.
Mike D's Mom: I wish I could have been there to see you. Unfortunately, I was busy baking a lemon pound cake.
Mike D: Oh…
Mike D's Mom: You absolutely must have a nosh of this pound cake. It's out of this world.
Mike D: Really…
Mike D's Mom: So, how's Tamra?
Mike D: She's…good.
Mike D's Mom: If you ever need me to babysit…
Mike D: Mom, we don't have kids.
Mike D's Mom: Ah. I see. Well, maybe sometime you and I can go to the mall together and buy you some new cl-
[Mike D hangs up]
Mike D: Since when does speed dial number one direct to my mom? It's that janitor boy Tony. I just know he's behind this. Fuckin' A!
[Mike D uses telephone manually]
?: Hello?
Mike D: Mike!
Mixmaster Mike: Mike! 'Sup?
Mike D: Yo, the boys and I are thinking about making a new record and we want to know what your schedule is.
Mixmaster Mike: My schedule? Fuhgeddaboudit! I'm booked like the Bible.
Mike D: What do you mean? You just played with us last night at the Ballroom.
Mixmaster Mike: Yeah, but that was for old times sake.
Mike D: Old times sake? And what, pray tell, is your "real time" project?
Mixmaster Mike: I'm going on tour with Dream Street.
Mike D: Dream Street? The pop music male bait phenomenon? That Dream Street?
Mixmaster Mike: Yee.
Mike D: But you're supposed to be our man, Mike!
Mixmaster Mike: Look, I gotta pay the bills, and I can't do it sittin' on my ass shittin' out BS side projects.
Mike D: [pause] All righty then. I officially disown you from the Beastie family. Peace.
[Mike D hangs up]
Adrock: What'd he say?
Mike D: He's busy.
Adrock: Busy? With what?
Mike D: He's going on tour with…Dream Street.
Adrock: The pop music male bait phenomenon? That Dream Street?
Mike D: Yee.
Adrock: Dammit! We're gonna have to find us a collaborator. [pause] What about Moby? He's into spiritual new age Buddhist shit too, right?
Mike D: Nah. He's into spiritual new age Christian shit.
Adrock: Eh. How about Max Martin?
Mike D: The Swedish guy?
Adrock: Yee.
Mike D: You know, that actually might w-
Adrock: HOLD UP.
Mike D: What?
Adrock: I just had a vision. Buddha was talking to me and he told me to use his words as lyrics on our next record.
Mike D: Whoa. What did he say?
MCA: Free Tibet!
Mike D: Shut up, Yauch! Seriously, what did he say?
Adrock: People, how you doing? There's a new day dawning. For the Earth Mother, it's a brand new morning.
Mike D: Adam, those are lyrics from "Jimmy James." Stop tweakin' so much.
Adrock: WAIT. Buddha's not done channeling his lyrics to me.
Mike D: [groan] What is he saying now? "I'll stir fry you in my wok"?
Adrock: Shhh… I'm picking up his rhetorical signal. He's saying, "Don't you get it bitch? No one can hear you. Now shut the fuck up and get what's comin' to you. You were supposed to love me! Now bleed, bitch, bleed! BLEED, BITCH, BLEED! BLEEEEED!"
Mike D: Oh, for Christ's sake…
[enter Tamra Davis]
Tamra: Hi, honey! I'm home!
Mike D: Tammy D! Did you get what I wanted?
Tamra: Yup. Gerber bananas and sweet potatoes and Depends.
[Mike D looks at the Depends]
Mike D: Tam, I asked you to buy the Depends with the button straps. These are regular Depends!
Tamra: I'm sorry, Mike. I really am. Why don't you go buy your own disposable undergarments?
Mike D: Ahem. My leg is broken.
Tamra: And how did you break it? Riding that stupid bike of yours. How many times to date have you fallen off that bike? Three? Four? Five? I keep tellin' you to stick to walking, but no, you don't listen. You never listen to me. If you had taken my economic advice, Grand Royal would still exist today.
Mike D: Hah. Like I should take advice from the director of Half-Baked.
Tamra: Fuck you.
Mike D: Tam, do me a favor. I want you to concentrate on the palm of my hand as it approaches the left side of your face.
Tamra: I HATE YOU, MIKE!!!
MCA: Simma down! Please… Consider your karma. Domestic violence is bad. Don't hit women, Mike, because you might be reincarnated as one. Let them be. Save the children. Remember what BEASTIE is an acronym for: Boys Entering Anarchistic States Toward Internal Excellence. You see, BEASTIE equals nirvana. We must not allow the outside world disturb our internal equilibrium. Let us stop fighting and instead work towards extinguishing our individual existences, absorbing our souls into the supreme spirit, and ultimately achieving perfect blessedness and harmony.
Tamra: Hey, Yauch. When's your next appointment to be fucked in the ass by the Dalai Lama? Or did Richard Gere already satisfy your weekly intake of Chow Yun chode?
MCA: Okay, now you've gone and done it, bee-atch!
[antics ensue]

Dedicated to all the pubic-hair-less fans of WankerCounty and that retarded chick Allie.

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