We Are Building a Religion

pyxis 042: oh my god, i can't believe jord actually drove to this guy's house and ambushed him with a water gun
pyxis 042: you guys are so retarded!!!
pyxis 042: it's like the sharks and the jets…and just as lame as their dance-fighting
pyxis 042: you know, jord's kinda hot
pyxis 042: i like the way he pulls his socks up with his shorts
pyxis 042: it's cute

later… (on the KFC Twister reviews)
pyxis 042: it's not a pita, it's a tortilla
pyxis 042: you would think a mexican would know that
pyxis 042: hey, tony used the word 'sammiches'
pyxis 042: cool

My friend Katy, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, my plan to go see Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone with a bunch of goths fell through. Apparently, very few goths attend UCLA. Oh well. Time for plan B. My friends and I (yes, REAL friends) have decided to get really drunk at lunch on opening day and then go watch the afternoon showing, which I guarantee will be packed with children. What's more, we plan to sit at the front of the theater balcony and during the climax of the movie, take our shirts off, twist them around our heads, and spin them like a helicopter. W00t. It'll be fun.

I do a lot of stupid shit (re: yesterday's post) and while it's fun, in the end, I don't come away any more of a better person. The costs always outweigh the benefits. Take the now infamous jar of saliva, for example…

Yes, it's real, and yes, I diligently brought it to fruition over a fortnight last November. It was fun while it lasted, but now I don't know what to do with this jar of my saliva. To this day, it sits in my closet, unopened since the last drop of saliva was gleaned. I thought about giving it to somebody for Christmas. Eh. If you want it, give me a call at (310) 267-6150.

I wanna be able to capitalize on my limited engagements of mindless fun. I spent $15 putting together the Halloweenie Roast bloody patriot stunt this year, $15 of fame that I'm never gonna get back. Why bother if financially, I'm-a end up on the shit end of the stick? I ought to make one of those profitable CKY videos, which just about every teenage boy has seen in some form by now. I mean, if Bam Margera (a skateboarder!) can be immortalized for assembling badly shot footage of him and his buddies goofing around, so can I. The following are a few workable pieces that I wanna capture on tape:

• 100-gallon milk bath in the middle of Harlem
• backyard wrestling…with animals!
• high dive belly flop contest
• naked paintballing
• Robert makes Jon give Howard a blow job
• salad shooter shootout
• secretly secure cell phones underneath every seat in a large movie theater and program them to go off one after the other during a sold-out movie
• shitting in urinals
• vomiting on household pets
• vomiting into the mouths of household pets

In its early years, Fox had a Candid Camera-ish show called Totally Hidden Video, and on one episode, quite possibly the meanest stunt ever was aired. Producers found a high school gymnasium where the basketball court opened up to reveal an indoor swimming pool underneath, and they convinced high school alumni to hold their 50th reunion inside this particular gym on that very basketball court. Cut to a shot of all these old people enjoying themselves when suddenly, the floor starts splitting into two pieces, and the fun begins. I'll never forget this one shot of a helpless old lady just sitting there at the bottom of the pool surrounded by sunken furniture without the slightest clue as to what's going on. Get a hold of yourself, woman!

The mother of former football star O.J. Simpson, 80-year-old Eunice Simpson, died Friday. Insert your own joke here.

More grades! I got an A- on my English midterm but botched a pop quiz today in discussion section. Weeeeee. There goes my English class grade.

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