Jockin' Turkey to My Dismay

Last night, I dreamt I was being sodomized by two giant rabbits. Whoo!

1989 – Beijing, China
Chung Wang: Harry, go to supermarket and buy turkey.
Harry Wang: Ai ya! Not now, Chung. I am watch Chicago Bull play.
Chung Wang: HARRY! I say go to supermarket and buy turkey!
Harry Wang: Okay, okay…
[Harry go to supermarket, buy turkey, and start walk home]
Harry Wang: Go to supermarket! Buy turkey! Bitch ass chink… Hmmm. I think I take shortcut through Tiananmen Square.
[Harry start take shortcut through Tiananmen Square]
Harry Wang: AI YA! Tanks! I so scared, I cannot move!

2001 – Beijing, China
Chung Wang: Harry? Harreee? Where are you, Harry? I still wait for turkey!

Back in the mid-90s, when Bay Area hip-hop producer Dan "the Automator" Nakamura set out to help resurrect the lilting career of Bronx rapper Kool Keith, the result was 1996's eponymous Dr. Octagon, which was such a cult success for the rapper's alter ego that Dreamworks Records later picked up and repackaged the independently released album. Three years later, Nakamura's remix LP of Bollywood movie music, Bombay the Hard Way, added unexpected life to the dying world of abstract downtempo hip-hop. And this year, Nakamura did it again with the dub-heavy rock soundtrack to cartoon band Gorillaz, a major contender for album of the year. Well, the hardest working man in hip-hop is back with a new album, Lovage, a collaboration with Jennifer Charles (Elysian Fields) and Mike Patton (Faith No More). With Lovage, Nakamura re-creates his pivotal role as Nathaniel Merriweather, graduate of the Handsome Boy Modeling School. The album is basically a collection of hip-hop lounge tunes loosely tied together by a string of humorous skits, including "Herbs, Good Hygiene & Socks" in which electro legend Afrika Bambaataa has a surreal conversation with a 1950s health movie.

And now, Thanksgiving at the Yu house…

Jon: Mom, I finished making the salad.
Mrs. Yu: Good. Now go clean your room.
Jon: But I just cleaned it!
Mrs. Yu: Go clean it again.
Jon: What you talkin' 'bout, woman?
[doorbell rings]
Jon: I'll get it. It's probably Rory.
[Jon opens door]
Rory: [sigh] All right. I'm here. Let's get this bloody American holiday feast over with.
Jon: Come on… It'll be fun.
Rory: Yes yes. It'll be tryptophantastic!
Jon: Shut it, Hornblower. [pause] Hey mom! Meet Rory.
Mrs. Yu: So this is the white kid you always talk about.
Rory: [to Jon] The white kid?
Jon: [to Rory] It's an Asian thing. Just play along. [to Mrs. Yu] Yeah, mom. This is…the white kid, but you can call him "Rory."
Mrs. Yu: Nice to meet you, Rory.
Rory: Nice to meet you too, Mrs. Yu. I brought a pie.
Mrs. Yu: Oh? What kind? Is it an apple pie? I LOVE warm apple pie.
Rory: Ehhh… Actually, it's a meat pie. Chicken, to be exact.
Mrs. Yu: Chicken? In a pie? You so crazy!
Rory: Well, in my home country, we eat meat pies all the time.
Jon: Rory's British.
Mrs. Yu: …
Jon: He's from Europe.
Mrs. Yu: Oh! The white kid is from the white people continent. I see… You like Hitler?
Rory: Not particularly.
Mrs. Yu: You don't need to lie to me, son. [smiles at Rory] PETER!!! Come meet Jon's white friend!
[enter Mr. Yu]
Mr. Yu: Hello, Jon's white friend.
Rory: The name's Rory.
Mr. Yu: Nice to meet you, Jon's white friend. You like Hitler?
Rory: Oh for crying out loud!
Jon: Uhhh… Mom, Dad, I think Rory and I are gonna go play in my room.
Mrs. Yu: Use protection!
Jon: NO. Risk. We're gonna go play Risk in my room.
Mrs. Yu: Is that what kids call it these days? "Risk." Hahaha. How funny.

Mrs. Yu: Dinner time!
Rory: Fookin' A. I'm starving. Well, what have we got here?
Jon: A turkey, egg rolls, pot stickers, steamed rice, and a salad made by yours truly.
Rory: Interesting…
Jon: Yee. I mean, I didn't know I could even make a salad. :D
Rory: No no. I'm talking about the turkey. Doesn't it look a bit odd?
Jon: You're right. Hey mom, what's up with the turkey? It looks like arse.
Mrs. Yu: That's because it's not a turkey. It's a turducken.
Jon: Come again?
Mrs. Yu: A turducken: a chicken in a duck in a turkey. See, last year I made a tofu turkey and everybody complained about how much they wanted to eat meat. So this year, I'm-a give y'all all the fuckin' meat you can eat.
Rory: Gah! That's just nasty.
Mrs. Yu: Hey, I thought you liked meat.
Rory: IN A PIE! Not in another animal!
Mrs. Yu: Go brush your teeth. As long as you're in my house, you will eat whatever I tell you to. [pause] All righty then. Let's eat!
Winston: Hold on! We forgot to give thanks.
Jon: Awww jeez, Winston. Could it wait?
Winston: No, poo poo head. Ms. Penman says that you must give thanks to the Lord BEFORE eating.
Mr. Yu: [to Mrs. Yu] Remember, it was your idea to send him to that private school.
Mrs. Yu: [to Mr. Yu] Suck my metaphorical dick. [to Winston] Okay, Winston. Why don't you lead us in giving thanks?
Winston: [clears throat] Dear God, everyday is a new day. I'm thankful for every breath I take. I won't take it for granted, so I learn from my mistakes. It's beyond my control. Sometimes it's best to let go. Whatever happens in this lifetime, so I trust in love. You have given me peace of mind.
Rory: [to Jon] Wait a minute… Aren't these the lyrics to P-
Jon: [to Rory] Shhh. At least it's not Creed.
Winston: I…I feel so alive for the very first time. I can't deny you; I feel so alive. I…I feel so alive for the very first time. And I think I can fly! Amen.
Mr. Yu: Word. Let's eat!
[everybody eats…except Rory]
Rory: Jon, I don't think I can eat this turdpile your mom made. Look at it. Sausage stuffing in a chicken in a duck in a turkey. It's a sinful farm orgy, the Holy Grail of nonkosher living.
Jon: But it's sooooo delicious! Why you gotta be so Jewey, Hornblower?
Rory: Jewey? Dude, I'm merely taking precaution with my health.
Jon: Bah! What's a life without meat?
Rory: Longer. Don't get me wrong. I love meat, but I'd simply prefer not to consume the entire butcher shop at once.
Jon: If you want, I'll let you eat my dog…
Rory: Ugh. You disgust me sometimes. Is there a Boston Market around here? Or a KFC?
Mrs. Yu: JON!!!
Jon: Yes, ma'am?
Mrs. Yu: The salad!
Jon: You like it?
Mrs. Yu: I would, if it wasn't made with cabbage!
Jon: Fuck.
Mrs. Yu: I was saving that cabbage too for a corned beef dish!
Jon: I'm sorry! Lettuce, cabbage – it all looks the same to me. For God's sake, I eat dorm food every night! How am I supposed to have a keen eye for real vegetables? [sigh] I'll just add some vinegar and mayonnaise to the "salad" and make cole slaw.
Mrs. Yu: No. I don't want cole slaw. Do I look white?
Jon: Hmmm. Why don't I use Rory as a reference?
Mr. Yu: Honey, let's just eat.
Mrs. Yu: Can't you see that I'm currently a little preoccupied? Our oldest son's an insolent retard! I shoulda had people kick me in the stomach more while I was bearing him!
Jon: Don't go there!
Rory: I think I'm-a step outside and have a fag…
Mrs. Yu: I knew it! I knew the white kid was gay! Risk, my ass!
Jon: They refer to cigarettes as "fags" in some parts of England, you stupid cunt!
Mrs. Yu: What did you call me? Get outta my house. NOW!!! And take your homo cancer buddy with you!
Jon: Are you kicking me out?
Mrs. Yu: Yessir.
Jon: But I don't even live here anymore! You can't kick me out if I'm not a full-time resident! It says so in chapter 11 of Parenting for Dummies!
Mrs. Yu: …
Winston: Jon bought a Gamecube.
Mrs. Yu: Whaaa?
Jon: Winston…
Winston: [giddily] JON BOUGHT A GAMECUBE!!! I saw it in his room!
Mrs. Yu: YOU WHAT?
Jon: Winston, you fuckin' butt munch!
Mrs. Yu: Don't call your brother a butt munch!
Jon: Shut the fuck up!
Mrs. Yu: What's that? I didn't hear you…
Jon: Shut the fuck up!
Mrs. Yu: Come on! A little louder…
Mrs. Yu: Everybody N 2 gether now…
Everybody: Shut the fuck up! What? What?
Jon: …and scene! Happy Thanksgiving, everybody, from my dysfunctional family to yours.

C2K, a top Vegas nightclub, has been slammed by the Las Vegas Liquor Commission for serving alcohol to underage pop princess Britney Spears, during a private party last month. The club owner denies that 19-year-old Spears was drinking at the soiree. In other Britney news, the singer's been accused by critics of lip syncing on her live HBO TV special, which was broadcast live on Sunday from Vegas' MGM Grand. Apparently, she mimed at least three songs. Are we really surprised? Lastly, Spears is set to star as herself in the Austin Powers: Goldmember movie. The film is expected to be released in the U.S. next summer.

Ahem. Time to give thanks.

Thanks to the UCLA football team for royally fucking up.

Thanks to "B-Money" Bob for keeping hip-hop elite and unleashing a can of QBert on my ass. All I want for Christmas (now) is a DVD copy of Wave Twisters: the movie.

Thanks to MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice for not calling it a comeback. Vanilla Ice and friends (he still has friends?) play the Knitting Factory in Hollywood on December 12. MC Hammer's new album Active Duty hit stores this week. Good times.

Can't touch this, baby, 'cause I'm a thug.

Thanks to Hoe Hater for updating regularly again. It's Hunter S. Thompson heeelarious.

Finally, thanks to Robert (NOT Bob) for the link of the day:
feedback induced monitor photography – beta test

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