everybody needs a bosom for a pillow

"taxation without representation"

I've decided to take up smoking. Hell, I'll chain smoke if cigarettes relieve stress like people say they do.

Jon: Folks, the 2002 Winter Olympics begin Friday, and we sent Rory Hornblower to cover all the action. Let's go live now via cable modem to Salt Lake City.

Jon: Rory!
Rory: What?
Jon: Are you there?
Rory: What?
Jon: Can you hear me?
Rory: What?
Jon: Do you understand the words that are coming out from my mouth?
Rory: What?
Jon: Okay, this isn't funny.
Rory: What?
Jon: Nodicksayswhat.
Rory: What?
[Jon smiles]
Rory: Fuck. [sigh] I'm tired. That was one long ass plane flight out here.
Jon: Dude, Salt Lake City's not that far from Los Angeles, and you left LAX at noon yesterday.
Rory: Shut it. I don't see you volunteering to spend two weeks of your life in Utah.
Jon: Yes yes.
Rory: Goddamn, I'm tired.
Jon: Well, why don't you get some coffee or something?
Rory: I would, but Mormons don't consume caffeine.
Jon: Oh that's right…and you're in Salt Lake City…
Rory: Yeeeah. It's Latter Day hell. Hitler would be proud. I mean, can this place be any whiter? It's snowy, it's Mormon, and it's hosting the Winter Olympics!
Jon: Hey, don't be racist. Ty hates racists, you know.
Rory: Jon, have you ever seen a black person…
Jon: Of course, I have.
Rory: …luge…
Jon: Um…
Rory: …IN UTAH?
Jon: [pause] No.
Rory: Good answer! Today, the crew and I went out to see just how whitewashed Salt Lake City is. Roll the footage.

Black in Back

Rory: What's your name?
?: Joe Young.
Rory: What do you do for a living?
Joe: I surf and have sex.
Rory: Fair enough. Have you ever seen a black person?
Joe: Can't say that I have.
Rory: Do you like Eminem?
Joe: Yes.
Rory: Figures.

Rory: What's your name?
?: Joe Young.
Rory: Any relation to [points to the previous interviewee] that Joe Young?
Joe: No, he's my neighbor.
Rory: Ah. Joe, have you ever seen a black person?
Joe: I've met Karl Malone.
Rory: Really?
Joe: Nah… I'm just fuckin' wit ya. Never met Karl Malone, but I fuckin' roll with my niggas all da time up in deez here parts, foo!
Rory: Just out of curiousity, are your "niggas" by any chance…white?
Joe: Whatchoo talkin' bout, bitch? Man, you pervin' or some shit.
Rory: Go on your mission.
Joe: Hey! Look at my shirt! It says "Ecko" on it! See the rhino?

Rory: Hello, ladies! Como se llaman?
?: I'm Monica Bega, that's Erica Bega, that's Rita Bega, that's Tina Bega, that's Sandra Bega, that's Mary Bega, and that's Jessica Bega.
Rory: Whoa. Lou's Mormon?
Tina: Well, his publicist made him convert. It's the whole "being a role model to kids" issue. Polygamy is much more family-friendly than playing around. You know what I'm sayin'?
Rory: Yeah, I think y'all have nice titties too. [pause] You ladies must have seen some black people before, right?
[long pause]
Rory: …Right?
The Ladies: [crying in unison] WE'RE BLIND!!!

Rory: What's your name?
?: John Young.
Rory: And who are these little people with you?
John: My two sons, John and John Jr., and my daughter, Johnna.
Rory: Lemme guess. You work as a janitor.
John: How'd you know?
Rory: Call it a hunch. Anyway, have you ever seen a black person?
John: Yup. I saw Mariah Carey sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl last week.
Rory: Mariah doesn't count. She's half.
John: Half?
Rory: Half-white, half-black.
John: [gasp] You can do that?

Rory: What's your name?
?: Ahmad Rashad.
Rory: What do you do for a living?
Ahmad: I'm a reporter for NBC Sports and the host of Real TV.
Rory: Have you ever seen a black person?
Ahmad: …
Rory: I asked you a question!
Ahmad: I think a better question is: have YOU ever seen a black person?
Rory: Pfff! I own six.

Fin

Jon: Rory, did you steal that last line from J-Ram's AIM profile?
Rory: Maybe…
Jon: So not only did you use somebody else's comeback line, but you said it to the face of a BLACK MAN. Genius.
Rory: And all I got was this lousy black eye.
Jon: Yee. Aight, we'll check back in with you later. Rory Hornblower at the Olympics, everybody.

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