dude, calling soda "pop" is like hella wack

"spoken like a true californian"

Why is a cucumber better than a man?
Fuck you, bitch.

Jon: [yawn] Damn, I'm tired. Oh well. Let's go live now via cable modem to Salt Lake City.

Jon: Hornblower! Long time no see!
Rory: Yee.
Jon: How you been, buddy?
Rory: Good.
Jon: Did you have a good Valentine's Day?
Rory: It was aight. Julie from The Real World and I went over to BYU and fucked on the field of their American football stadium.
Jon: Really?
Rory: NO, dumbass. I sat in my hotel room and watched the Olympics on NBC. No sex for Lent!
Jon: Roight. [pause] So what do you have for us today?
Rory: Well, the skeleton event is back in the Olympics for the first time since the 1948 Games in St. Moritz. In skeleton, racers hurtle down a track at up to 140 KPH lying face first face down on small steel-framed sleds.
Jon: Yes yes.
Rory: I thought it would be funny if we could get an actual skeleton to do skeleton, but unfortunately, nobody here in Salt Lake would let us exhume one of their dead kin.
Jon: …
Rory: Then I thought "wouldn't it be funny if we could get a fat person to do skeleton?"
Jon: A fat person, huh?
Rory: Yeah.
Jon: Oh my.
Rory: Today, I went out with a fat wad of cash (no pun intended) in search of a fat person who would do skeleton. Roll the footage.

Lazy Bones

Rory: Hello.
?: Hi.
Rory: What's your name?
?: Donnell Alexander.
Rory: Hello, Donnell. For $100, will you get on this sled and send yourself flying down an icy track at the Utah Olympic Park?
Donnell: Hell no!
Rory: All righty then. For $10, will you make out with a drinking fountain head?
[Donnell makes out with a drinking fountain head]

Rory: Hello.
?: Hi.
Rory: What's your name?
?: Phillip Campbell.
Rory: Hello, Phillip. I'll give you $100 if you will get on this sled and send yourself flying down an icy track at the Utah Olympic Park.
Phillip: Haha. Are you kidding me?
Rory: No…
Phillip: As tempting as the money may be, only a fool would accept your offer.
Rory: Okay. I'll give you $10 then if you can locate your penis.

Rory: Hello.
?: Hi.
Rory: What's your name, fatso?
?: Come again?
Rory: How's about I give you $100 and you get on this here sled and send yourself flying down an icy track at the Utah Olympic Park?
?: Do you know who you're talking to?
Rory: Uhhh…a 500-pound lipid bastille?
?: I'm Iann Robinson from MTV…[makes devil horns with his left hand]…News!
Rory: Right. Well, I think you're annoying so fuck…[gives Iann the finger]…you!

Rory: Whoa. A fat couple! [runs after the fat couple] HEY! What are your names?
?: I'm Joe Spitkovsky.
?: And I'm Karyn Whibley.
Rory: And together, you are…Voltron! Haha.
[Joe and Karyn give Rory a blank look]
Rory: Wow. A real fat couple. Two fat people in love. Two fat people! Wasn't there a cooking show called that?
Karyn: Actually, the show was called Two Fat Ladies. It aired on the Food Network.
Rory: And you would know. Hey, between you two, who has the bigger set of breasts?
Joe: Uhhh…
Rory: I'm just foolin' with you guys. Haha.
Joe: Heh.
Rory: Joe, Karyn, for $100, will either of you get on this sled and send yourself flying down an icy track at the Utah Olympic Park?
Joe: No, thank you. It's too dangerous. Besides, my fiancee's pregnant.
Rory: You sure about that?
Joe: Yeah. Who in their right mind would do skeleton anyway? It's suicide!
Rory: No no no. I was referring to your fiancee. You sure she's pregnant?
Karyn: YES, I'm pregnant!
Rory: With what? A horse?
Karyn: Okay. You want me to do skeleton? Fine. I'm-a do skeleton.
Joe: Wait, honey…
Karyn: Don't touch me! I will not let some British arsehole make an arse of me!
Joe: But you're pregnant! [sigh] If you insist on showing up the guy, let me do it for you. L-let me do skeleton instead!
Karyn: NO.
Rory: Calm down, miss. Why don't we let a third party decide?
[Rory stops a random passerby]
Rory: Excuse me, sir. Can you help us settle a dispute?
?: Sure.
Rory: What's your name?
?: Pierre.
Rory: Pierre, in your opinion, who should do skeleton – Joe or Karyn?
Pierre: Hmmm… I say Joe.
Rory: Joe it is!
Karyn: This is an outrage!!! He was bribed to pick my husband!
Rory: Who? The French guy? Now why would anyone blindly favor a Russian in a contest over some silly Olympic sport? That's absurd!

?: Hello.
?: Hi.
Rory: What's your name?
?: Jared.
Rory: Jared…like Jared the Subway guy?
Jared: Yeah.
Rory: YOU'RE Jared…the real Jared?
Jared: Yeah!
Rory: Man, you have really let yourself go. What happened to all that sandwich diet bullshit?
Jared: Clay Henry introduced me to this "ab-belt" machine. It's a helluva lot easier than walking down to the local Subway for every meal.
Rory: I see. Jared, let's make a deal. I'll give you $100 and you get on this sled and send yourself flying down an icy track at the Utah Olympic Park. What do you say?
Jared: Aight. I'm game.
Rory: We have a taker! [bell rings] For $100 more, will you skeleton in a yeti costume?
Jared: $100 for wearing a costume? Okee.
Rory: Whoo!
[30 minutes later]
Rory: Congratulations, Jared. You successfully skeletoned down the track in a yeti costume, much to the dismay of…Death. Here's your $200. Now, for $100 on top of that $200, will you be the stone in a game of supersize curling?
Jared: I will, but I dunno where you're gonna find a broom big enough to push me.
Rory: Oh we don't need a broom. We have a zamboni.

Fin

Jon: Well, what happened?
Rory: What?
Jon: What happened to Jared in the supersize curling game?
Rory: I don't wanna talk about it.
Jon: Why not?
Rory: [sigh] Tony, roll the footage.

Newscaster: Jared, the once gaunt spokesman for Subway, died today at the Ice Sheet in Ogden following an accident where [checks notes] dressed in a yeti costume, he was [checks notes again] run over by a zamboni. The exact cause of death has yet to be determined, although it might be because he willingly lay down still in front of a moving zamboni.
Witness "Harry Pornblower": He died of a heart attack. His death has nothing to do with the zamboni. I saw him grab his chest right before the zamboni ran over him. It's not like the heart attack was a surprise or anything. Did you ever see him on TV? The "before Subway" (and "post-Subway") Jared made Brando look like Kate Moss!
[long pause]
Jon: Just when I thought you had hit rock bottom in bad taste, you go and do something like this.
Rory: I love you… <3 Jon: Heh. We'll check back in with you later…if you're not in police custody. Rory Hornblower at the Olympics, everybody.

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