fuck you puto

"approval rating = 40%"

Super Troopers scooper.

After a string of suspicious events leads them to the brink of a major drug bust, a gaggle of Vermont state cops take on both the nasty smugglers and the budget-hogging local police.

Many hi-larious moments compensate for a weak story. lol.

I have to register for spring quarter classes on Wednesday and I have almost no classes to register for. I completed all my general ed requirements last summer and have basically spent sophomore year masturbating my way through college. I really should declare a major and get access to upper division courses, seeing as how I'm already junior standing. For now though, I only have one class to register for: English 10C (English Literature, 1832 to the Present). I took 10A in the fall and I'm currently in 10B, time to finish off the 10 series' dreaded history of English. It sucks because the English department scheduled the 10C final on June 14, the final day of finals week. I'm-a be getting outta school later than high schoolers. Whoo.

I received an e-mail the other day regarding class registration:

Attention Bruins: be one of the first men to take a new class for men about men. Earn 4 upper division units, and learn things you need to know to survive college and beyond.

Public Health 199
Personal and Interpersonal Development of College Men

This is an innovative undergraduate course that uses multiple disciplinary perspectives in a seminar-based course to answer the following questions:

What challenges do men face?
Who am I and what makes up my identity?
What makes me a man?
What does it mean to be masculine?
How do my beliefs affect my actions?
How can I deal with stress, anxiety and conflict?
What do successful relationships look like?
What are effective communication techniques?
What are the facts about sex and sexuality?

[pause] Yeeeah. Like I wanna spend 10 weeks coming of age. What makes me a man? A penis. A+ for me.

"I have no idea what I want to do with my life."

Whenever I hear somebody say that, I feel sorry for them because they're not like me. I, for one, know exactly what I want to do with my life and have known since I was little. I want to be the most famous person to ever come outta my shitty little hometown of Mountain View, California. Hell, I'll kill people if I have to, but I will not die before the city of Mountain View renames itself after me outta due respect. To facilitate my rise to fame, I have decided to run for the American presidency in 2020 (the first year I will be eligible), pending that I am still alive.

Me? An Asian person? Yee. I realize that Kennedy had enough trouble running for President as a Catholic, but I truly believe that in about 20 years time, America will finally be ready to paint the White House yellow. America will be ready for an inflatable First Lady and a Brit as Vice President. I've even lined up Aaron Sorkin to be my personal speechwriter. I can do it if I just put my mind to it.

Now, you cannot run for the presidency without a platform. Wilson had fourteen points; I have ten. They are as follows:

alcohol, drugs and tobacco
Every fun substance will be legalized with the stipulation that you must take responsibility for your own actions. All alcohol, narcotics, and tobacco will be freely available for anyone of any age to indulge in. HOWEVER, any medical expenses incurred as a result of your indulgence are your responsibility. The government will no longer pay to maintain your health. No court-mandated rehab. No second chances. No suing tobacco companies for ridiculous amounts of money. If your husband overdoses and you cannot afford an ambulance, then he's gonna die.

criminal behavior
The same goes for criminals. Wanna have sex with an underage girl? I have no problem with that. But if she complains, then you're on your own. No more court-ordered lawyers. I'll be damned if the government is gonna pay to defend you in court. If you can give a man the axe, you can take it in the ass.

capital punishment
Prisoners on death row will be shipped to the whatever third world country hates us and handed over as prisoners of war. Nobody objects to capital punishment when it happens across the sea.

economy
The stock market will be shut down because it seems to be the source of all our economic woes. Maria Bartiromo will in turn become my personal assistant.

domestic policy
Fuck you.

foreign policy
Fuuuuuuuuuuck YOU!

firearms
Taking a cue from England, firearms will be banned from public use. What about all the Ted Nugents of the world? Well, they can play Counter-Strike or better yet, they can play paintball with a frozen chicken as the prize.

freedom of speech
Religious and political activists will be restricted from preaching in public. There's a fine line between free speech and disturbing the peace. You're going to hell! Hey, it beats going to church. Save the whales! Save the seals! Why not save your breath? Why must we desecrate this land? I'll tell you why. Because we can, that's why. I'm a goddamn human being! I can pay for sex. I can wipe my ass. I AM A HUMAN!

In all fairness, one month of second grade will be set off to allow any organization to impose its religious and/or political agenda on our children in our schools…unrestricted. This special month will be subsequently repeated in seventh grade and junior year of high school. Three chances to win over the future of America in a public venue. If anyone really cares about what you're saying, they'll get in contact with you. Otherwise, shut up.

immigration
Illegal immigration will no longer be illegal. If you do immigrate, however, the government will not help you survive. Wanna come to America? Fine. You take care of yourself. Oh and if you object to this particular policy, go pick your own grapes.

and finally…
After years of struggling as a privilege, driving will officially become a right.

There you have it. My platform. I think most Americans just want to be left alone and would rather leave other people alone. So what do you say? Vote for me in 2020!

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