When someone asks you what time it is, glance at your watch and say, "It's either six-fifteen, or Mickey has a hard-on." Guaranteed they'll ask somebody else.
Jon: Whoo! Let's go live now via cable modem to Salt Lake City.
Jon: The Olympics are drawing to a close, Hornblower.
Rory: Good riddance.
Jon: You're not having any fun in Utah whatsoever?
Rory: Nope. No fun. No coffee either.
Jon: Well, that's a shame, because Adam and I wanted to send you to the next coupla Olympics too.
Rory: Where are they gonna be held?
Jon: Athens, Greece in 2004, Turin, Italy in 2006, and Beijing, China in 2008.
Rory: Oh brother. Eurotrash and communists. Huzzah!
Jon: Eurotrash, huh? And where do you suppose you're from?
Rory: Not the mainland.
Jon: Ah. That changes everything.
Rory: Shut it.
Jon: What do you have for us today?
Rory: Well, I couldn't leave the Olympics without tackling ladies' figure skating, the marquee event. Nobody gives a fuck about hockey, but as we saw last week, figure skating is money.
Rory: What to do though? I was all ready to go out and whack some figure skaters' legs for a piece when impulsively, I stole Bob Costas' press pass and accessed the backstage of the Salt Lake Ice Center, where I got to interview the skater in the spotlight and UCLA Bruin Michelle Kwan.
Jon: Wait. Don't you have a press pass?
Rory: Yes, but this was Bob Costas' press pass! How cool is that?
Jon: Very cool…I guess.
Rory: Roll the footage.
Rory: Michelle! We're now moments away from the ladies' free program. How does it feel going into the event with an edge on your competitors after winning the short program Tuesday night?
Michelle: FINALLY, Michelle has come back…to Salt Lake City!!! The Winter Olympics! 2002! The grandaddy of them all! All shapes! All sizes! All colors! Rory Hornblower, your Olympic hero is very excited because tonight, the gold medal is going around her neck!
Rory: Of course, that's what you also said in 1998. Several other talented ladies seem determined to keep that elusive gold medal outta your hands. What about Russia's Irina Slutskaya, who beat you at the Grand Prix Final in December, the last meeting between you two before the Games? And what about fellow American Sasha Cohen, who stole the show at the U.S. Nationals in January and finished second to you?
Rory: Sasha Cohen, your Amer
Michelle: Rory, do you like…pie?
Rory: As a matter of fact, yeah. Haha. I like every kind of pie you can think of. I like strawberry pie, blueberry pie, app
Michelle: It doesn't matter what type of pie you like!!! 'Cause the only pie that matters, the creme de la creme pie, is standing right in front of you. There can be only one Olympic gold medalist and that will be…Michelle Kwan. Let's just say that Karl Malone has a better shot at winning an NBA championship than Sasha Cohen does at taking the gold. Oh it's true! It's DAMN true! And as far as Irina Slutskaya goes, I'm gonna show her just who the best technical skater truly is, once and for all. Irina Slutskaya! Jon-Benet on skates! Michelle wipes a monkey's ass with what you think! You say you don't owe the people anything. Well, Michelle owes the people something. She owes them whoopin' your candy ass all over the beehive state! Tonight, after Michelle lays the smacketh down on your Russian sequined ass in front of the millions AND MILLIONS of Michelle's fans, the current U.S. national champion and world champion is gonna walk outta the 2002 Winter Olympics the UNDISPUTED ladies' figure skating champion! If you SMELLLLLLLLLL what Michelle is cookin'!!!
Jon: What does Jose see in her?
Rory: His dick.
Rory: Bob Costas, man! I have his press pass! Bob freakin' Costas!
Jon: Yes yes. Aight, we'll check back in with you one last time, Sunday Sunday Sunday. Rory Hornblower at the Olympics, everybody.