arizona stand

"Au + H2O"

"the end" by the doors plays

Jon: [looking in a motel bathroom mirror] I've been around this block twice looking for something…a clue. I've been looking for clues and something led me back here…yeah…so here I am. Coulda been me who was at Jord's place when the shit went down. Hey, I know how it is, 'cause I've been there. We've all done bad things. We all have those guilty feelings in our hearts. You wanna take your brain out of your head and wash it and scrub it and make it clean. Well, no. But I'm gonna help you settle this. You know me? You know my reputation? I don't treat you gently. That's right. I'm Jonathan Yu. So I'm gonna be nice and I'm gonna ask you one more time…who the fuck was driving the van?
[Jon stands up, unzips his pants and lets his penis hang out. He looks at the reflection of it in the mirror]
Jon: I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I'm a star. I'm a star. I'm a big bright shining star.
[Jon puts it back in his pants, does a karate kick towards his reflection and walks out of the room, closing the door behind him]
Jon: [to Anthony] It's time.

in the car

Jon: Look at that. Another shopping center. How many stores can one city possibly need? This place is like one giant outdoor mall. You ever been to Phoenix?
Anthony: No.
Jon: Would it kill you to say something?
Anthony: I did.
Jon: "No." First thing you've said in the last four hours. That's a…that's a fountain of conversation, man. That's a geyser. I mean, whoa, daddy! Stand back, man! Shit, I'm sittin' here driving, man, doin' all the driving, whole fuckin' way from LA, drivin', tryin' to, you know, tryin' to chat, keep our spirits up, fight the boredom of the road, and you can't say one fucking thing just in the way of conversation.
[no response from Anthony]
Jon: Well, fuck it. I don't have to talk either, man. See how you like it.
[total silence]


Jon: Aight. We're here.
[Anthony pulls out a sniper rifle]
Jon: Whoa whoa whoa. What the hell is that?
Anthony: Backup.
Jon: Right. Why don't you put it on the sidewalk for the time being? Just to be safe.
Anthony: Yessir.
Jon: Okay. Buckle up. He should be heading to school any minute now. Here he comes.
[Jord exits his house and approaches his car. Jon steps on the gas pedal and drives his car into Jord's car]
Jord: GAH!!!
[Jon gets out of his wrecked car and adjusts his neck]
Jon: Look what you made me do, Jord.
Jord: Look what I made you do? I didn't ask you to total my car! You did it on your own free will! You! And you disobeyed a restraining order to do so! Thanks a lot…ASSHOLE.
Jon: I didn't want it to come to this. Really.
Jord: I'm calling the cops.
Jon: While you're at it, you might wanna turn yourself in.
Jord: For what?
Jon: Killing Rory Hornblower.
Jord: For the last time, I had nothing to do with his death.
Jon: I know KeeJay was driving the van that hit him.
Jord: And?
Jon: You're KeeJay!
Jord: No, I'm not.
Jon: Dude, I've seen the photos on WC. You wear a modified soda box on your head and call yourself KeeJay!
Jord: So I'm KeeJay, huh? How could I have been in two places at once on the day of the accident?
Jon: See, that's what I can't figure out. You play the role of Keyser Söze. Who's your pawn though? Who was driving that van disguised as KeeJay?
Jord: Maybe it was KeeJay.
Jon: But…but…
[suddenly, KeeJay appears outta nowhere and whacks Jon with a kendo stick]
Jon: OW! [gasp] He does exist!
Anthony: They DO exist!
Jord: I told you to stay in the basement!
Jon: Wait. [to KeeJay] If you're not Jord, then who are you?
[KeeJay grunts]
Jord: His identity is of no importance. KeeJay represents the American sublime. Human beings are designed to be hunters and we live in a society of shopping. There's nothing to kill anymore. There's nothing to fight, nothing to overcome, nothing to explore. In that social emasculation, this everyman – KeeJay – is created.
Jon: Why hit Hornblower though? He hates shopping. What was the motive?
Jord: Oh it's simply because he jizzed on my Gamecube controller. Couldn't let him get away sticky-handed. Haha. Now if you'll excuse me, I have school in a coupla minutes and no ride.
[Jord walks into his house and then comes out again]
Jord: One more thing…
[Jord makes a whistle call and sics a giant armored wolf on Jon and Anthony]
Jon: Holy shit! RUN!!!
[Jon and Anthony run like mad when suddenly, gunshots sound and the wolf falls down dead]
Rory: Yippee-ky-yay, motherfucker!
Jon: RORY! You…you're alive!
Rory: Yee.
Jon: How?
Rory: Weird science.
Jon: I'm sorry?
Rory: Weird Science. The 1985 movie that Tony starred in.
Jon: Yes yes. I remember.
Rory: Tony called up Ilan Mitchell-Smith and they got together to re-create Lisa who in turn resurrected me as a favor.
Jon: Okay…that makes sense…I guess. [to Anthony] Tony, why didn't you say anything?
Rory: Because I'm not John Cusack.
Jon: Well anyway, it's good to see you again.
Rory: Hold that thought. I have some unfinished business to attend to.
[Rory walks to the front door of Jord's house and rings the doorbell. Jord opens the door]
Jord: Jon Yu, I'm-a hurt you with this bat if y— What the? RORY? How…whaaa?
Rory: Hello, Jordan. I'd like to have a word with you.
Jord: Stay back or I'm-a hit you!
Rory: Do it and I'll shove that bat up your arse and turn you into a popsicle. [pause] Can we talk please?
Jord: KEEJAY! Get over here!
[KeeJay gets over there]
Rory: Is this the guy who hit me? Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Rory Hornblower, but you can suck my dick.
[KeeJay grunts]
Jord: What do you want?
Rory: I just want to talk.
Jord: Then why are you holding a sniper rifle in your hand?
Rory: Am I? Silly me.
Jord: Look, I gotta get to school.
Rory: Are you scared? What are you thinking right now? Scary, huh? C'mon, Jord. We never chat on AIM anymore. Let's chat.
Jord: About what?
Rory: Oh…issues. For one, you killed me. That's something to talk about, no?
?: Gentlemen! If I may…
Jord: Who are you?
?: I'm Vince McMahon and I smell a profit windfall. How would you guys like to settle your differences…on pay-per-view!
Rory: What do you have in mind?
Vince: Jon and Rory versus Jord and KeeJay…April 1…IN A STEEL CAGE!
Jord: Will there be nude ping pong playing cheerleaders?
Vince: Sure, we'll have nude ping pong playing cheerleaders. In fact, how about I add a stipulation where the last man standing gets to take home the nude ping pong playing cheerleader of his choice?
Rory: I want Jord's sister!
Jord: Shut it.
Vince: So now then. Jon, Rory, Jord and KeeJay. Rage in a cage. April 1. What do you say?
Rory and Jord: It's on.
[KeeJay grunts]
Jon: I love you, Vince!

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