Nothing is funnier than an angry Phil Jackson. Can you believe that this guy is one year away from having an NBA championship ring for each finger? Bling bling indeed.

I met a girl yesterday. I asked her for some happy news, but she just stared and turned away.

"Oh no you don't, bitch!" I said. "I asked you for some happy news and I ain't leavin' till you make me fuckin' happy!"

Once again, she didn't respond. I figured she was deaf or mute or something and took it upon myself to strip her naked. If she screamed, I could always pass myself off as a paragynecologist, but she didn't say anything. Within a minute, we were both without clothing, and I was ready to lose my virginity.

Shit. No condom. Change of plan.

Robert once told me that a guy should always go down first and do it well so that his partner becomes super motivated to return the favor.

I threw a Listerine Pocket Pak strip in my mouth, took a deep breath, and dove in.

Not a peep from this girl. Was I doing something wrong? I went up and down left and right in out fast slow mince crush blend chop dice frappe liquify puree whip shred pulp beat — I explored every nook and cranny of her Great Barrier Queef.

Nothing.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? Moan, you fuckin' cunt! Moan, goddammit! [pause] Fine. If you're not gonna moan, I'll make you moan.

Note to self: never force a boner down someone's throat.

She flat out refused to say "ah." My poor dick nearly injured itself trying to chisel a way through her pearly enamel wall.

I've heard that your first time usually isn't that great, but this was ridiculous.

I was all ready to raise trou when I noticed a hole in her body slightly above her left nipple. I thought about weighing the consequences of unprotected sex with a nipple (mammocular herpes?) before I did anything stupid, but my libido couldn't wait. So I sat on her face, threw her legs around my neck, and began humping her left nipple, chafing silicone with every pelvic thrust…in and out…in and out…of a BOOBIE, no less!

Look, mum! I'm poppin' me cherry! Marie Callender can go fuck herself now!

It was then I realized that this girl had just been shot dead and that this was the scene of a crime.

I did it with Exhibit A.