Post No Bills

I checked my watch. 10:45.

Shit. Class starts in 15 minutes. But I'm hungry. Fuck. Who schedules class at noon? I'll just stop by the 7-Twelve up the road.

"One Thing" by Finger Twelve played in the background as I grabbed a hot dog and a Coke and hurried out.

I walked into class a few minutes late. The professor was discussing 9/12.

Not again…

As I was walking to my car after class, two twin boys who looked like Ari and Uzi from The Royal Tenenbaums assaulted me halfheartedly with baseball bats.

The gang's all back.


I saw "Tragically, last year hundreds of children didn't wake" on an ad on the side of a Daily Bruin newsstand.

I looked closer and discovered that it was an ad for the Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood Program.

Cue X-Files theme.

I stumbled onto Emeril Kicks Up Halloween on Food Network.

Dressed up and in full make-up as Dracula, Emeril (with a poor Transylvanian accent) introduced himself dressed up as a mad scientist. Mad scientist Emeril had a retarded deformed hunchback sidekick. Using flasks and beakers instead of cooking equipment, mad scientist Emeril concocted a cocktail with "creepy ice cubes" and a "cherry eyeball" garnish and then laughed maniacally for about a minute. Then he "sent it back" to Dracula Emeril who informed me that after the break, Rachael Ray would show me how to make something called "Yummy Mummy."

On the Third Street Promenade, I walked by a ring of people surrounding a black street performer wearing an afro wig and a Lakers jersey. A portable stereo beside him blasted a pre-recorded tape.

This is what I heard: "[music] Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's…Supernigger!"

A few feet away, a bum screamed "CAN YOU FUCKING SEE?" repeatedly at passersby.

Before a screening of Team America, the theatre ran a trailer for the SpongeBob SquarePants movie. At one point in the trailer, SpongeBob introduces his "Patty Wagon."

When the nine-year-old boy sitting next to me heard that, he instinctively blurted out "PUSSY Wagon!"


No worries.

Still four more years left for him to suddenly and mysteriously die.

A banner hung over Bruin Walk informs me that this week is "Conservative Culture Week" at UCLA.

Tuesday is "Flag Day." Wednesday is "Cowboy Hat Day." Thursday is "Support Our Troops Day."

The statement "support our troops" is such a cheap way to garner goodwill. How can anyone disagree with it and not be considered an inhumane asshole?

It occurred to me the other day that I didn't know what Mexico's domain extension was. I don't think I've ever visited a Mexican website.

Cue X-Files theme.