The west coast has been traumatized

day one: little house of savages
day two: poser points
day three: spicy noodles
day four: high school's over and you still won't quit

Right now, video game enthusiasts are filming and networking at E3, opening day for Revenge of the Sith is underway, and people that I know may be involved in both. I'm Federal Asian Jon Yu, and this is the longest week of my life.


Matt: I like the Lord of the Rings movies a lot.

Jon: Jord! Who the fuck are you talking to?
Jord: [to Jon with a shit-eating grin] Jose.

Jose: I'm in town this week covering E3 parties for the Post.

Tushar and I booked a hotel room for Tuesday and Wednesday so we'd have a quiet place to prepare for our meeting with Nintendo.

Jon: What the hell is Robert doing here?
Nate: Jord invited him. Pete sanctioned his request.
Jon: You know Pete wants me gone!
Nate: Dude, Robert's not there spying for Pete.

Jon: I planted an 11-38 in Robert's A-B last night and I've lost the trigger. What else besides a trigger can detonate an 11-38?
Nate: Punch to the stomach or a flat fall, obviously. Hmmm. Sex? If it's rough enough.

Young Republican Mark: Yo, it's Mark.
Jon: In what direction are you driving?
Mark: Um…
Jon: Do you see a lot of people and news vans ahead to your left?
Jon: Hello?
Mark: [to people in car] Do you see news vans?

Jon: [checks watch] I'll be back.
Elizabeth: Where are you going? The movie's about to start.
Jon: Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch are M.I.A. [sigh] Just my luck…

The following takes place between Thursday May 19 and Friday May 20.

12:02 am
Jon: What are you five doing loitering here in the lobby? I told you the movie's in the dome! [sigh] This way… Hurry!
Mark: We saw Tom from MySpace.

12:05 am :: inside cinerama dome
Jon: These are your seats.
Mark's suspicious-looking Hindian friend: TOM! Tom from MySpace! What's up, buddy?

I soon realized that Mark and company never learned the art of tactful hooping and hollering during a midnight screening.

2:45 am
Joe: For someone who's usually so passive, you sounded like a plebe at a wrestling match.

Neither did I, for that matter.

Mark messaged me the following day.

ha man sorry if we were pretty obnoxious
we hot boxed before we met up
hope it wasnt too noticeable
we werent gonna smooke
but we were afraid to leave a bag of weed in the car

If they could smoke a bag of weed in one sitting, it probably wasn't enough weed to be worrying over.

im pissed i didnt get my picture with tom

2:00 pm
[keyboard clacking]
Jon: Oi. What time is it?
Matt: 2:00 pm.
Jon: Damn.
Matt: We stayed up pretty late.
Jon: True. When did the E3ers leave?
Matt: Dunno. I was asleep.
Jon: Ah. Where's Joe?
Matt: Still sleeping on the loft.
Jon: [sigh] Dog day afternoon…

4:30 pm
Matt: What the hell, Joe?
[Joe laughs]
Jon: What's goin' on?
Matt: Joe's throwing shit on me from the loft like he's fuckin' Lakitu.
Jon: Joe…
Joe: Oooh. A spider!
[Matt yelps]
4:35 pm
Jon: You're afraid of spiders?
Matt: Yeah.
Jon: Haha.
Jon: Hahahahahaha. Do you cover your eyes during the scenes with Shelob in Return of the King? Haha.

5:10 pm
Jon: He's walking around with a live bomb inside his body, Nate, and I'm helpless. Manual detonation is simply too risky.
Nate: You sure you lost the trigger?
Jon: Checked every nook and cranny of my place. Nada.
Jon: The human body can co-exist with an 11-38, right?
Nate: Sure…as long as no outside forces upset the triggering mechanism.
Jon: Well, he's not a fighter. That much I know. You mentioned sex though.
Nate: Dude, just tell him.
Jon: And jeopardize our friendship?
Nate: Friendship. Ha. That's funny. Hold on. I have a call on the other line.

6:00 pm
Jon: Hello?
Chad: Hey, it's Chad. Did you miss me?
Jon: Not particularly. Joe, on the other hand, is a complete wreck. Acute Paulson withdrawal.
Chad: Heh. Well, tell him I'm on my way over.
Jon: Will do.
6:48 pm
Forest: Tushar and I are off to sightsee. We'd like you to come along. Nudge nudge, wink wink.
Jon: I hate to decline, but I have plans later for Robert. With Robert. With!
Forest: Okay. No worries.

6:50 pm
Jon: How was your meeting with Nintendo?
Chad: Good.
Jon: I heard you skipped E3 yesterday to prepare.
Chad: Yeah.
Matt: Hey Chad. Do you have any other games for your DS?
Chad: D-Don't turn it off! I downloaded that demo today and it'll disappear with the power.
Matt: But it's a puzzle game.
Chad: Damn right it is.
Matt: Hmmm… Meteos.
Jon: What else you do at E3 today?
Chad: After the meeting, Tushar and I toured the premises with Forest. Haha. Forest was held rapt in wonder by this Sega game in which the player assaults bums with a 2×4 with exposed nails at the end, among other activities. Very odd sight. It was like watching Woody Allen torture handicapped puppies.
Jon: Erm…
Chad: Oh and we saw the Taxi Driver game.
IGN may have high quality screenshots, but Adam Riff™ has exclusive ones.

Bickle's apartment

Apparently, the game is set after the film. The scum and the filth murdered Iris and Travis seeks revenge. Gameplay is a combination of driving and third-person action like Grand Theft Auto.

7:20 pm
Jon: Robert, you have a minute?
Robert: Yeah.
Jon: On the balcony.
[Jon and Robert step onto balcony]
Jon: Have a seat.
Robert: Uh…okay…
Jon: [sigh] So… How's your sex life been lately?
Robert: My what?
Jon: Your [clears throat] sex life.
Robert: It's…it's all right.
Jon: Cool, cool.
Jon: You like rough sex?
Robert: Jon, you're creeping me out here…
Jon: Hold me! Like you did by the lake on Naboo!

7:25 pm
Jon: I couldn't do it.
Nate: You need to. The easiest way to rid your life of the bomb is to tell him. I'll set him up with a surgeon when he returns.
Nate: Well?
Jon: Why involve another person?
Nate: Jon, no…
8:00 pm
Jord: Culver City sounds like a location in a Pokémon game.

8:30 pm
Jon: Hello?
Jose: Jon.
Jon: Yes?
Jose: KISS and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Are they Sony Music artists?
Jon: What?
Jose: They're playing at the Sony E3 party tonight.
Jon: Ah. Well, I know Warner Bros. distributes the Chili Peppers. Not sure about KISS.
Jose: Okay. Guess where I am?
Jon: Where?
Jose: On a mesa overlooking Dodger Stadium. I had to take a 20-minute shuttle ride to arrive here.
Jon: Heh.
Jose: All right, I have to go. Jimmy Eat World is about to perform. Don't do anything rash concerning Robert!
Jon: Robert?
Jose: Yeah. Your friend Jord told me that one of your supervisors agreed to fund production of his documentary if he could give him a solid reason to fire you. Hence, Robert.
Jon: Jord told you this?
Jose: Yeah.
Jon: Boy has quite an imagination…

8:40 pm
Jon: Blood money.
Nate: Come on, now…
Jon: Pete knows that off-duty misconduct warrants a suspension at most. He also knows that I'm-a cover my tracks anyway. Don't you see? He WANTS me to kill Robert!
Nate: So tell Robert about the situation and Pete won't have a case.
Jon: I could, but…
[dramatic music]
Jon: I play by my own rules.

10:01 pm
Wilcox: Say, where's the Nakatomi building?
Jon: Century City. Not that far from Westwood. Why?
Wilcox: Jord and I want to re-enact scenes from Die Hard and send the footage to Tony.
Jon: Tell you what. Tomorrow after E3, I'll take you two there.
Wilcox: Schweet.
Jord: Century City sounds like a location in a Pokémon game too. Haha.
Jon: Yes, Jord. Tee hee.

11:59 pm
Jon: Understand? Yeah. Tomorrow night. Punctuality is important. Yup. Thanks again. I owe you.
[Jon hangs up phone]

11:59:58 pm
11:59:59 pm
12:00 am