Swatch Dogs and Diet Cokeheads

Last one, I promise.

day one: little house of savages
day two: poser points
day three: spicy noodles
day four: high school's over and you still won't quit
day five: the west coast has been traumatized

Right now, video game enthusiasts are filming and networking at E3, screenings for Revenge of the Sith are selling out everywhere, and people that I know may be involved in both. I'm Federal Asian Jon Yu, and this is the longest week of my life.


Joe: JON! Play "White Houses!"
Jon: All right, all right! You wanna hear "White Houses" again?
[Jon puts on headphones]
Jon: [sigh] Crashed on the floor when I moved in / This little bunk alone with some strange new friends / Stay up too late, and I'm too thin / We promise each other it's 'til the end…
["stop" button pressed]
Tushar: [whispering] Did you get all that?
Wilcox: Yup.

Jon: What the hell is Robert doing here?
Nate: Jord invited him. Pete sanctioned his request.
Jon: You know Pete wants me gone!
Nate: Dude, Robert's not there spying for Pete.
Jon: I need to make sure he doesn't talk to Pete.

Jon: I planted an 11-38 in Robert's A-B last night and I've lost the trigger.
Jon: He's walking around with a live bomb inside his body, Nate, and I'm helpless.
Jose: Your friend Jord told me that one of your supervisors agreed to fund production of his documentary if he could give him a solid reason to fire you. Hence, Robert.

Jon: Blood money.
Nate: Come on, now…
Jon: Pete knows that off-duty misconduct warrants a suspension at most. He also knows that I'm-a cover my tracks anyway. Don't you see? He WANTS me to kill Robert!
Wilcox: Say, where's the Nakatomi building?
Jon: Century City. Not that far from Westwood. Why?
Wilcox: Jord and I want to re-enact scenes from Die Hard and send the footage to Tony.
Jon: Tell you what. Tomorrow after E3, I'll take you two there.

Jon: Understand? Yeah. Tomorrow night. Punctuality is important.
[Jon hangs up phone]

The following takes place between Friday May 20 and Sunday May 22 (special extended denouement).

12:00 pm :: friday
Jon: Why aren't you at E3?
Robert: Didn't feel like attending. Two days was enough for me.
Jon: Well, I hope you enjoyed your trip out here.
Robert: For the most part. I wanted to hang out with Jord some but he's been so busy.
Jon: I'm taking Jord and Wilcox to the Nakatomi building tonight to re-enact Die Hard. You should come with.
Robert: I dunno…
Jon: Come. I insist.
Robert: All right.

1:30 pm
Jon: What's that?
Matt: A promotional wristband for The Island. A blond girl in an Island wife beater was handing them out at the ArcLight when we saw Revenge of the Sith.
Jon: Some marketing strategy…
Matt: It's more of a wide rubber band than a LiveStrong knock-off.

2:00 pm
Jon: Hold on. Shoulder, foot, shin, hand, buttocks, bicep… No, that will suffice. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Later.
Joe: What was that about?
Jon: [surprised] Oh that was Hornblower. He forgot how to do the Hokey Pokey.
[Jon steps off balcony nonchalantly]
Joe: Wait…

3:45 pm
Jon: Ow!
[Joe laughs]
Jon: Was that an Island wristb—
[Matt punches Jon in the stomach, Jon doubles over]
Jon: What the fuck, dude!
Matt: I'm bored.
Jon: You're bored…so you…you punch me?
Joe: Jon, you love the attention.

4:05 pm
Jon: I'm gonna take a shower.

4:07 pm
[inside shower, Jon studies Wiki articles on human anatomy via his Sidekick and lightly dots select places on his body with a red Expo marker]

OMG! Product placement!

5:20 pm
Jon: Where's Forest?
Tushar: On a plane to New Jersey.
Jon: What? When did he depart?
Tushar: This afternoon.
Jon: Huh.
Tushar: He left you a present.
Jon: Oh?
Tushar: Check your e-mail.

5:50 pm
Joe: You keep your cell phone on while you sleep?
Chad: Yeah. I hate missing calls.
Joe: At 4:00 am?
Chad: Better safe than sorry. Let's see your cards. Straight flush, bitch.

6:15 pm
Jon: Jord, we should head down to Century City while it's still light out.
Jord: Right. Let me prep the camera.
Jon: I invited Robert along. Hope you don't mind.
Jord: Not sure why he'd want to come, but whatever.
Jon: Motherfff!
[Matt laughs]
Jon: That's not fu—

6:40 pm :: inside jord's car
Wilcox: What's a smog check?
Jon: Is that a joke?
Wilcox: No…
Jon: Smog checks don't exist in Michigan?
Wilcox: Nope.

7:01 pm :: fox plaza tower ("nakatomi building")
Jord: Avenue of the Stars. Hahaha.
Jon: Street name really amuses you, doesn't it?

Scenes from Die Hard (translated from German: The Hard) by Jord and Wilcox. "Save as," please.

Way to make use of an XL2.

8:08 pm
Jon: Hey, while we're here, I want to show you boys something.
[Jon pricks Wilcox with a needle, Wilcox collapses]
Jord: What the hell happened?
Jon: This.
[Jon pricks Jord and Robert with needles, both collapse]
Jon: [to Jord and Robert] Don't worry. The paralysis is only temporary.
Jon: Wilcox received a tranquilizer. Thus the unconscious state. He doesn't need to see what's about to transpire.
[noise, Jon crouches in front of Jord]
Jon: [sigh] A fuckin' documentary, eh? Sell me out so you can film booth babes, EH? [pause] Do you know how stressful the past few days have been? I put a bomb in Robert's body because of you!
[loud noise from Robert]
Jon: You almost made me kill an innocent, Jordan. Might as well gas up the dinghy and go fishing with Fredo because you are dead to me.
[noise from Jord]
Jon: I know Pete instigated the situation and he's the one I ought to go after — and I will — but I can't let bygones be bygones. You try to ruin my life, I feel it's only appropriate that I do the same for you. Your documentary may have to be put on hold for a while.
[phone rings]
Jon: Hello? They're on their way? Excellent.
[Jon hangs up phone, extracts hunting knife from pocket, loud noise from Jord]
Jon: Don't ever take sides with anyone against me again. Ever.
[Jon stabs Robert in the shoulder, loud noise from Robert]
Jon: [to the tune of the Mighty Mouse theme song] Here I come to save the day…
[Jon extracts razor from pocket, slices forehead]
Jon: [to Jord] Blade job. It's a wrestling trick. Heightens drama.
[loud noise from Robert]
Jon: Calm down, Robert, lest you cause a scene and force me to turn your penis into a vagina.
[loud noise from Robert]
Jon: Gorrammit!
[Jon pricks Robert with a needle, Robert passes out]
Jon: [sigh] Where was I? Oh yes. Self-defense.
[Jon physically assaults Jord]
Jon: Are you okay? Haha. I kid, I kid. [grunts] Shit… I cut too deep.
[noise from Jord]
Jon: What's that, Jord? I can use your clothes to wipe off excess blood? Why, thank you!
[Jon wipes face on Jord's clothes, extracts knife from Robert's shoulder, extracts two miniature liquor bottles from pocket, downs them both]
Jon: You better not have AIDS, Robbie.
[Jon stabs previously-marked places on his body]
Jon: [labored breathing] Fuck me… [labored breathing] Now I'm gonna wrap your fingers around the handle, Jord. [labored breathing] You hold that knife tightly. [heavy breathing] Atta boy…
[noise from Jord, Jon extracts chemical pill from pocket, snaps pill open under Robert's nose, Robert awakens]
Jon: [to Robert] Say the right things in court and I won't trigger the bomb.
Jon: [labored breathing] You hear that, Jord? [labored breathing] Sirens. [labored breathing] What do we do when we hear sirens approach? [labored breathing] We stop…and wait. [labored breathing] Stop…and…
[Jon passes out]

3:22 am :: saturday
Tushar: Jord and them have been gone an awfully long time.
Joe: Yeah. Call.
[phone rings]
Chad: Hello? Adam? [Chad checks watch] What? My flight's not for another day. Yeah. Are you drunk? Put mom on the phone. Mom… You cannot be serious.
[Chad hangs up phone]
Chad: Apparently, my whole family is at O'Hare waiting to pick me up a day early.
Joe: Your whole family mistakenly drove from northwest Indiana to Chicago at 5:00 am on a Saturday morning?
Chad: How absurd, right? It's probably just another one of my brother's drunk pranks.
Matt: But you spoke with your mom…
Chad: Heh. Well, my mom sometimes participates in my brother's shenanigans. I'll know to start panicking if my dad ca—
[phone rings]
Chad: Fuck no… Hello? Dad, are you four seriously at the airport? No, I didn't misread the itinerary! At least, I don't think…
Tushar: Check.
[Chad frantically powers up laptop]
Chad: Hold on. [to gentlemen in vicinity] This is not happening to me… [into phone] Okay, it's opening. [to gentlemen in vicinity] Today is May 21, right? Phew… [into phone] Dad, do you see where it says "+1 day" after the arrival time? That means the time applies to the following day. Yeah. I leave tonight and arrive tomorrow morning. +1 day. YES! [sigh] All right. Bye.
[Chad hangs up phone, pause]
Chad: I fold.
One year later…

11:59 pm
Jon: Wilcox! Pleasant surprise… What brings you to the left coast?
Wilcox: Spring Jord from prison. Or else.
Jon: Or else what?
[Wilcox extracts video camera from expensive ballistic nylon backpack, presses "play"]
Jon: [on flip-out screen] It's all right / And I put myself in his hands / But I hold on to your secrets in WHITE hou-ses…
[Wilcox presses "stop"]
Wilcox: All. Over. The. Internet. You'll be the next "Dragostea Din Tei."
Jon: Touché. I'll contact a friend of mine. He's an architect.

11:59:58 pm
11:59:59 pm
12:00 am